Monday, September 12, 2011

September 12, 2011 ~ Day 277
It Could've Been Worse

Well...

It could've been worse.

Sure, the house was a mess when our landlord stopped by today.

Yes, my cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink when showing him the back yard cluttered with my kid's toys and dirt "castles" among other delights - like string cheese wrappers and a discarded diaper. (Ugh!)

And yes, he did ask me to keep the lawn better watered.

(I had to explain to him how high our water bill is, when we water it enough to keep it green. That was embarrassing.)

But it could've been worse.

My children could have been home raising holy hell. Instead, one was napping and two at school. So I had the opportunity to focus squarely on my conversation with the man - rather than dealing with a crazy tantrum.

That by itself is a huge positive!

Last weekend I did rake, mow and sweep the yard. So while browner than desired, at least it wasn't overgrown and trashy.

Deep down, I really wish we owned our own home.

But then I remember just how lucky we are to rent this house, this special home.

I remember how lucky we are to live in this neighborhood - this wonderful, lovely, friendly neighborhood.

I remember how happy we've been since we arrived here - and I know that will remain true no matter where we live in this community.

So, despite some my obvious failings as a housekeeper, I just need to be thankful for what we Do have.

We are very lucky.

* * * * *



It could've been worse.

Today I found my two year old daughter in the bathroom, having scampered away from where I was cooking in the kitchen. She had been gone for all of a minute, so I went in to see what was happening.

To my horror, she had pried open a cabinet, located a cardboard box (which happened to contain a lab test kit) and was busy playing with the kit pieces. One of them was a vial, a plastic vial. On the cover was a skull and crossbones, with the words "Poison".

My heart stopped, and my mind began to race.

My daughter looked normal. Cheery. She was laughing.

"Honey did you drink this? Did you drink something?"

"No."
She smiled widely, daring me to believe her.

I noticed that the lid of the vial was still screwed on. I am sure my two year old daughter can manage to unscrew any lid... but really, would she have the dexterity to take it off, drink the contents of a vial and then RE-screw it tightly? Doubtful.

I thought about who to call. The pediatrician? Poison control? 9-1-1?

Finally I realized that the right first choice would be the company who made that lab test kit... to discover what, if anything, had been inside that vial.

What a blessing!

They answered on the first ring. The woman at the front put me right through to the microbiologist. I explained the situation, very rapidly.

He asked which test it was, and what color the lid was on the vial.

"Clear," I answered.

"You don't have to worry,"
he responded kindly. "We send out those vials empty, with no liquid. Your daughter is fine."

"Thank you so much, I am so grateful for your help."


Getting off of the telephone, I gave my daughter a long hug and then tried to explain to her why we don't play with bottles in the bathroom.

I then looked through every cupboard in her arm's reach - and even a few beyond her reach - to make sure that she can't get ahold of ANYTHING dangerous. She is clearly making very poor choices, two year old style, about what to monkey with.

I want her to live through the age of two!

So while the incident undoubtedly added a gray hair or two to my head, I think it's clear -

It could've been much worse.

We were blessed, and now we are warned.

* * * * *


When I look back over all of the events of the last few months, I realize that as stressful as they seemed all of them could have been much worse.
  • My son's fingers are healing very well, with no further allergic reactions to his medicine.
  • Our budget crunch led me to begin tutoring again, work I absolutely love.
  • The recent Southern California blackout gave me information about ways in which we need to better prepare for disasters, without having to experience/survive a true disaster.
  • Even my own health problems have led me to a greater understanding of how to eat, exercise and live more fully.

Every single bleak moment has led to something better, a richer understanding of the world, and enhanced gratitude for what we DO have.

So, while I really hope that our skies stay clear for a little while, my faith is growing that even in the soggiest weather there is always a rowboat waiting in the storm to carry our family through the storm toward shelter and beauty.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

September 10, 2011 ~ Day 275
Soccer Mom


I always swore that I would never become a soccer mom.

In fact, as a young and single career gal I actually looked down on "those women".

I came into contact with them frequently in my early work as an elementary school teacher, and even once I transitioned to middle school.

Soccer moms wore loose fitting jeans and sneakers instead of heels.

Soccer moms wasted their entire Saturday watching their kids kick a ball around at the park.

Soccer moms cut up endless orange slices and brought gallons of Tang.

Worst of all -

Soccer moms drove mini-vans.

"If I'm ever lucky enough to be a mother, that is the last thing on Earth I will do,
" I mused to my friends. "My kids are going to learn how to play guitar, not soccer. I will build them a practice space with my own hands so they can jam with their friends."

Still, sometimes I wondered about soccer.

As the child of a musician and an actor, I had never actually played soccer on a team. The closest I ever came to soccer season growing up consisted of slumber parties with my soccer-playing friends which ended with me accompanying them to the field in the morning to watch their games.

I found that experience mostly dull, as I didn't know the kids on the teams and hated spending hours sitting in the hot sun on the sidelines waiting for my friend to pay attention to me again.

By the time I realized (in high school) that playing soccer looked like fun, it was too late.

All of my friends who made it onto the high school soccer team had been playing since the ages of four or six. I was about ten years late to the party.

In college I enrolled for athletic classes every quarter. I took them pass/no pass so that I didn't have to stress over my grades or performance. I learned a lot about sports during those years - taking courses in volleyball, soccer and weight training among others.

I learned the rules of the games. I also dated college athletes (a few of whom went All-American or played in the Olympic games) which caused me to take more of an interest in the art and finesse of playing sports well. My friends and I attended nearly every football, basketball and volleyball game on campus - also many swim and water polo meets. We even watched quite a few gymnastics events.

What I found over the years was that I loved the challenge and competition of athletics... the heartbreaking lows and intense highs. I admired the discipline of the athletes and their fierce concentration. I loved their all-consuming commitment.

As a college senior I was actually "discovered" in a soccer class and recruited to play collegiate women's lacrosse by the coach who (a) liked how wiry and fast I was, and (b) thought I was a freshman. I took it as a great compliment, and was only sorry that she hadn't found me three years earlier.

By this point in time, I had developed a much deeper appreciation for sports.

Still, if athletics were going to be part of my own long-term future I wanted to date the athlete, or (even better) BE the athlete.

Never in all that time did I once want to become a soccer mom sitting on the sidelines.

* * * * *

Which is why it came as such a shock when my first son came out of the womb clamoring for anything with a ball.

His first word? Ball.

His favorite toy? Ball.

Before my kid could walk, all he wanted to do was play with balls.

And that kid could throw. Wow. By 18 months we were all amazed by his pitching arm.

"He's the new Whitey Ford!" my husband would laugh. "Where does he GET this?"

My husband and I would exchange glances with bemusement and pride while playing catch with our son. We were both brainy and bookish, fascinated by music, art, computers, writing, cooking - non-athletic stuff.

Not that we were couch potatoes. Far from it. My husband is a sensational swimmer and cyclist. In my day I ran, swam, did yoga and worked out at the gym as often as I could.

Still, we wondered where our child got his muscle coordination and innate athletic gifts.

It was cool.

When our boy began to talk, he began to ask to play baseball. He'd seen a few games on TV, seen other kids playing with their parents at the park.

"Bee-Baw!" he would point and say. "I pay Bee-Baw Mommeee!"

We looked into it and found that children needed to be at least five years old to play league T-ball. This came as unwelcome news to our son, who was only two at the time.

After all, three years! This seemed like an unfathomably long time to wait... longer than he'd actually been alive.

"I wan Bee-Baw, Mommee!!! I pay BALLLLLLLLL!"


After a little digging I discovered that children were allowed to play league soccer in our area a full year before they could begin T-ball.

"Honey, when you are four you can play ball with your feet with the other kids!"
I told him joyfully.

"I pay BaLLLLLL! I pay BaLLLLL! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!"


My husband and I agreed that soccer seemed like a great place to start. "He'll get exercise and also get some of his energy out!"

The outlet alone seemed very worthy of our time. Our son had recently taken to beating on his baby brother and we were hoping to find as many outlets for his energy as possible.

* * * * *

Years passed.

My husband taught my son soccer fundamentals at the park. How to kick. How to pass. How to control the ball.

We waited, and waited, and waited for his fourth birthday to arrive.

At long last, it did!

Two weeks later, we registered him for Fall Soccer.

* * * * *

Our son's first soccer season had its ups and downs:

His coach was fantastic!
The uniforms were cute.
His teammates were fairly skilled and very accepting.
The games took place pretty close to our house.
His soccer photo was adorable.

He didn't really understand the rules.
He kicked the ball the wrong way down the field.
He was more interested in bees and butterflies than playing with the other kids.
He passed to his opponents, and kicked the ball away from his teammates.
He skipped down the field.

Still, he had a great time.

We enjoyed watching him play, cringing only slightly when he would score goals for the opposing team.

"They're just kids,"
my husband would laugh merrily. "It's a game!"

"He'll learn,"
his coach encouraged us.

We decided to enroll him for soccer again when he turned five, since T-ball wouldn't begin until Spring Season. After all, it was good exercise.

* * * * *

Then, something happened... something we'd not really expected.

It clicked.

Our son figured out how to play soccer.

And wow! He was fast! He scored goals! A lot of goals!

He loved every second.

Something else happened... something I'd not really expected.

I got excited about soccer.

Really excited!

I looked forward to the games! I loved making snacks for his friends! I loved cheering from the sidelines!

I felt so proud!

In short, I woke up one morning as a soccer mom and realized that I absolutely loved it.

That's right. As nuts as it sounds, even to me...

Soccer was incredible! The whole weekly routine filled our lives with added joy.

* * * * *

We now have two sons playing soccer: a four year old AND a six year old. They practice on Fridays, play on Saturdays. Our weekend schedule revolves around their soccer commitments.

It's fantastic!

I love that we have activities to keep them busy, tired and not fighting. I love that they are getting exercise. I love that they are making friends on their teams. Maybe I will even get to know some of the other local mothers and fathers while watching them play!

Today both of my sons played their first soccer games of the season. What a great morning:

The little one hung back.
He watched the other kids play.
He shuffled his feet.
He noticed bees and butterflies.
He kicked the ball... the wrong way.
He scored a goal for the other team.
He looked at me more than his coach.

I took a million pictures and cheered.

His older brother, beginning season three in our new community and soccer league, surprised all of his teammates and coach by playing ferociously.

"He's really good," another parent remarked to me.

He was fast.
He took a defensive position.
He blocked many goals.
He ran down the field like his feet were on fire.
He darted between opposing players and intercepted the ball.
He played two full twenty-minute halves with only one water break, and was never rotated off the field.

I took a million pictures and cheered.

In one of the photos from my son's game yesterday he can be seen tearing down the field after the ball, gazing on it with incredible intensity.

I've never seen that look on my child's face before. It's hard to describe in words. His cheeks are flushed, his eyebrows narrowed and eyes fixed with determination on the goal. His cheekbones are chiseled as he runs in the wind. He looks like a true, focused athlete.

"Honey, wow. Can you *believe* that's our SON?"
I murmured when I saw the picture for the first time.

Even harder to believe, the dark haired woman jumping up and down and shouting from the sidelines in the photo... that was his incredibly proud mother. Me.

Who would've guessed it?

I love being a soccer mom.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

September 8, 2011 ~ Day 273
In the Dark

One would think that, given the massive power outage Southern California is experiencing this evening, I would be writing this post by hand via candlelight in solitude and peace.

One would be wrong.

Our house ~ at least while starting this post ~ is sheer chaos and madness at 8pm with small children brandishing flashlights and throwing their blinding beams directly into all of our eyes.

(Letting them split a half-gallon of ice cream probably didn't help matters... but hey, it was going to melt! Tee-hee.)

Sheepishly, I'll admit that rather than writing by hand with pen and ink, I am actually typing on a laptop that shows a crucial 66% battery power remaining. Since I can't get internet right now, it doesn't make much sense to hoard all remaining battery power. It's going to go out at some point; I might as well chronicle our unusual day.

However, I still love the dream of composing in tranquil darkness!

Six hours have now passed since my husband first came to me and said,

"Hon - I think the power just went out."

At that time, basking in the glow of a beautiful (if warm) afternoon, his announcement seemed trivial. We've lived in this state for the better part of our lives and experienced too many outages to remember. They happen for many reasons, most notably winter storms and local technical difficulties.

He decided, since he no longer had electricity, to take our kids for a bike ride.

"That sounds great!"
I agreed, thinking that it would be a great time to catch a catnap. I didn't sleep well last night.

My son had left his tennis shoes in our car across the street from the house. Since he knows he is not allowed to cross streets without an adult, he asked me if I would walk him across to retrieve them.

"Sure, buddy."
We crossed, collected the shoes, and began to return.

"Excuse me!" called our neighbor… a lovely, folksy woman in her fifties or sixties. We'd only spoken once before. "Have you noticed that the power is out?"

She and her husband have recently come to town from New Mexico and seemed a little more nervous about the power outage than we were. "We can't get cell phone service and were wondering if you have any," she explained.

"I think my husband's cell phone works - he just got a call. Let me go check my cell."

Sure enough, I had a dial tone. I was able to call my mother's phone but she didn't answer - so I offered to try my brother out of state.

"Maybe he can Google "Southern California power outage" to see what's going on."

My brother didn't pick up, so we tried my sister in a different part of California. After a brief internet news search she confirmed that as of one minute prior a massive power outage had been reported covering territories from Rosarito, Mexico to Riverside, CA to Yuma, Az.

Strangely, the timing of the outage coincided almost exactly with President Obama's address to the nation about economic growth and job creation… a much anticipated speech taking place just days before the 10 year anniversary of September 11th.

Curious.

Now that we knew it was a major power outage unlikely to resolve right away, my neighbor and I decided to go round up our candles and flashlights.

My husband laughed at me. "It'll be on before dinner," he pronounced. "Hey kids, let's go to the park!"

I knew he was probably right but decided to collect our resources anyway, scavenging through the house for useful emergency supplies tucked away here and there. My brother and I finally connected and he told me what they knew about our situation from New York, which wasn't much.

"I'll follow your local energy company Twitter feed,"
he consoled, "and if I hear anything I will call you."

After we hung up, I located the Red Cross hand crank powered radio that we keep for times of need (this is only the second time we've actually needed it) and located the local AM news station to find out more about what was happening.

At first, the only information coming in came from callers to the station from around our county.

"I'm stranded at a traffic light at the intersection of X and Y Streets,"
they would say. "There is a line of traffic a mile long and nothing is moving. The lights are all out and there has been a collision."

"We're in our office building and the elevators have stopped running. Everyone is going home early."

Caller after caller described blackout all around town.

Finally, a call came in from someone who knew something substantial.

"My friend is a ham radio operator,"
she announced, "and he says that power plants are down at Salton Sea and San Onofre. They've exploded or something. They both went offline at the same time."

Curiouser.

Chills ran down my spine as I contemplated the import of what she had confided. If indeed, two power plants had gone offline at the exact same moment in an explosive way, this seemed unlikely to be a matter of chance.

The radio personalities on AM radio echoed my thoughts exactly.

"That seems a little too coincidental,"
they replied. "If in fact two power plants in very different areas went down at once, there is always the possibility of terrorism. It can't be ruled out."

Looking at the bright blue sky my mind flooded with memories of that other September day ten years ago - similarly gorgeous, sunny, vivid azure horizons for miles - when four planes crashed into three buildings and a smoldering hole in a field in Pennsylvania.

I remembered EXACTLY what I had felt that morning: Surprised. Incredulous. Shocked. Horrified. Worried. Anxious. Angry.

Ten years later, I shivered and brought my attention back to the current situation. "If this IS terrorism, I wonder what is coming next."

At this point I picked up my cell phone and texted my husband at the park.

"Two plants down at once. Outage bigger than we thought. Please come home."

Simultaneously I received a text from my brother:

"They say it could go into tomorrow."

Apparently, we were in for a long night.

* * * * *

As it turns out, my husband and I had very different responses to this outage.

Thrilled by the opportunity to live off-grid for a few hours, my rugged man decided to bicycle to the ocean and go for a swim.

I, on the other hand, buckled our three children into their carseats and went out to search for more gasoline, ice, water and batteries.

The experience of venturing out, even in our quiet and tranquil neighborhood, during a blackout was very interesting. The first thing I did after buckling my children into their carseats was turn on the AM radio again. Local authorities were reminding people about how to drive safely when traffic lights are not working.

"Approach every intersection as though it is a four way stop," they advised. "Do not assume that others arriving at your intersection will drive responsibly or wait their turn. Drive defensively."

Moments later as we approached the first of two stoplights between our home and the local gas station, I saw evidence supporting their word of caution. A truck driven by teenagers barreled through the intersection without stopping, oblivious to the fact that the lights were out. I inhaled, giving thanks for having been alerted to this possibility.

Carefully, I stopped and waited for all of the oncoming traffic on both sides to stop as well before we continued forward.

"The most important thing we need to do right now is get gasoline," I explained to the boys, "It's always a good idea to have a nice full tank."

Yet when we arrived at the gas station on the corner, we saw that all entrances had already been blocked off with orange traffic cones. My gut tightened as I turned the car back into the street and sallied forth to find the next station.

"I wonder if the gas stations have closed,"
I murmured.

At the second station there were no traffic cones but upon closer inspection I saw that none of the eight or so cars parked near the pumps were fueling. Pulling up to a pump, I turned off the engine and smiled at my kids.

"Mommy will be right back. I'm just going to go and talk to those nice men."
The station attendants were mingling with customers on the front step of the service station.

"No gas?"
I asked.

"Sorry,"
a younger man with curly dark hair replied. "Pumps are all off."

"What should we do?"
I asked, not fully comprehending what he'd said. "Should we buy a gas can?"

"If you have another car you can always siphon the gas from one car to the other using a garden hose,"
another man volunteered.

"Thanks. I think my husband would know how to do that."

I returned to the car.

"No gas. Let's go look for ice."


As we pulled out of the gas station I noticed the local drug "superstore" in my rear view mirror. "Since we're so close let's go there."

Rounding the corner we approached the store and made a left hand turn into its driveway. No cones, but as we came closer to the sliding doors we saw that the store lights were out and on the front door a sign hand printed on brightly colored wide card stock: CLOSED.

"Wow,"
I sighed. "The 24 hour drugstore is closed and it's only 5pm. Let's try the supermarket."

As we drove the three blocks from the drugstore to the supermarket I noticed that my heart had begun to race a little. What if the grocery store was closed too? Did we have enough supplies at home to make it through until morning? Or longer? It has been so hot this week. Did we have enough water?

My heart sank as we arrived at the enormous supermarket and saw that the driveways on all sides had been blocked off with cones. In front of the store, scores of market workers were busily unloading a very large grocery truck, handing boxes of food from one person to the next in a sort of assembly line.

"Wow."

"What is it, mommy?"

"Everything is closed. I don't know if we're going to be able to get the water and batteries after all."


In fact, the only place I saw open in the entire neighborhood as we drove toward our home was a local brewery full to the gills with people drinking beer and talking excitedly.

Then, just as I had lost hope of finding any open market I noticed a tiny corner liquor store with doors open and people streaming through its doors tucked between a larger store and a parking lot.

We parked four blocks away, the closest open space we could find on any street. At this point I knew we were racing with the daylight to get back home safely before dark, given that driving without street lights or traffic lights is not a great idea. Hustling my tired, cranky children toward the corner store I remembered that we didn't have much cash… about $12 total in my wallet.

"What if we need it to go somewhere?" I wondered, and then realized that we wouldn't be getting very far on $12 but the water it could buy might give us a full day of health in the heat. "Water it is!" I decided, and we entered the store.

Small and very dark with aisles set closely together, the store reminded me of a small, dimly lit sanctuary I might have ventured into in Europe while scavenging for adventure.

The owner, a tall Mediterranean looking man with a thick dark mustache and kind eyes, was busy lighting taper candles at the end of all of his shelves, illuminating rows of vodka and wine with an almost holy glow. Rather than worrying about the risk of fire, or wringing his hands over the loss of electricity, he seemed quite at ease in the situation as though he had experienced blackouts many times before.

He and his clerk used a hand-held calculator to tabulate purchases and charged customers exactly the prices marked on the items, often offering to forget the tax or round down the dollar amount if customers (like me) didn't have the coins to give exact change. "I'm sorry, we've already sold out of ice," he told all customers - "but if you come back later we are going to try to get some. Our supplier has a large warehouse full of ice that is all melting right now and he needs to get rid of it, so he is willing to bring many load of ice here to us and we will have them for you later tonight."

By some act of a merciful power my exhausted children managed not to spin out or knock over any of the thousands of glass bottles within fingertip range... and we exited the store ten minutes later with $11.19 worth of water, batteries and candles.

The sun was setting. Time to go home.

* * * * *

We drove back carefully, taking a coastal route well away from the main drag. Once we'd safely returned to the house, our next few hours were filled with chaos and hilarity as I tried to cook dinner on our gas stove in near-darkness while my husband and sons set up a tent in the back yard for their first "camping" experience and our children downed that entire half-gallon of vanilla ice cream because,

"You always say we shouldn't waste food, Mommy. If we let the ice cream melt, that would be wasting!"


(Hard to argue with their logic on such a sultry evening... ice cream sounded pretty nice.)

I also had the joy of changing my daughter's nasty diaper in the darkness illuminated by a flashlight and unsure if I could use the tap water to rinse my hands. That was just delightful. I'm sure a lot of moms and dads shared this same experience.

Every once in a while we cranked up the hand radio to hear announcements from the AM news about the process of restoring power. My husband sat with our sons under the bright moonlight, listening to the voices of our mayor, local officials and the school superintendent announcing that school had been canceled for tomorrow.

Our boys cheered loudly upon hearing this... especially when their dad announced that he'd be staying home from work and perhaps it would be a beach day.

At last, bedtime arrived.

Highlights of their conversion in the tent, as overheard from the house:

"Daddy, why is there so much light in the sky?"

"That's the moon, son."

"But why is it so much brighter than usual?

*

"Daddy, what if bugs get in the tent?"

"That's why we zip up the flaps of the tent, son, so they won't."

"But what if they do?"

"I suppose they would eat us, son."

"What!??!"

*

"Daddy, he's hitting me!"

"Well HE was kicking me FIRST!"

"You both need to go to sleep RIGHT NOW."

"But..."

"NOW."

*

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I need to poop. How do I poop outside?"

* * * * *

My husband and sons are now sleeping peacefully in their tent in the back yard, undisturbed by the quite loud chirping of crickets in the moonlight. Our daughter has been crashed out for hours and I myself am about to turn in for the night; unable to watch television, take a shower, use the tap water to wash dishes, or even see to read a book.

I can't help but think how lucky and blessed our family was today. Right now there may be people trapped in elevators in buildings downtown. Even folks possibly trapped in elevators in parking garages, the thought of which makes my stomach turn. Talk about a claustrophobic's worst nightmare!

All in all though, I think we're really lucky that the situation didn't turn out to be worse. From everything officials have announced on the AM radio, this power outage was caused by simple human error at a single facility, no terrorism whatsoever.

The power is down, which is annoying - and now we are told we must boil our drinking and cooking water for the foreseeable future - but clearly it could have been a real disaster. Instead, we're making the most of what we've got and even having some fun.

Throughout the night I've heard much gentle laughter floating on the breeze from the homes of neighbors and there seems to be a general spirit of ease and appreciation. It's not all bad to enjoy a mellow evening and spontaneous candlelit conversation. Heck, if we didn't have three kids and a campout, this could've even been romantic!

As I fall to sleep then in our warm, silent house with my daughter slumbering only steps away, I feel so grateful for all of the good fortune we've had today. I am also praying for those good people who may not have been as lucky.

May they have the strength to make it through this nightmare, this darkest night. May they survive with health and sanity, any dark hours spent trapped or stranded… and even manage to find humor in the experience.

Lastly, tonight I'm thinking of the brave and dedicated power company workers as they struggle with compassion and commitment through large challenges to bring all of us back into the light. May you be protected. May you stay safe!

I hope we'll all be laughing about this over a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine) tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

September 6, 2011 ~ Day 271
The Problem With Right Now


I want it.

I want it RIGHT NOW!

Readers may sagely assume this is my two year old daughter talking.

Actually, it's me.

Yes, I'm a 35 year old woman having a tantrum... or, as I prefer to reframe it... I'm just speaking very insistently with life.

* * *

Today was my first day in three months without three children to juggle, nurture, discipline and love. I had seven full hours caring for only one child. Can you even imagine?

Seven hours!

I'd racked up so many plans, such a long TO DO list.
(I've been dreaming about this day for weeks!)

Here are some of the things I hoped to accomplish in my seven hours "off":

Spend special time with my daughter
Clean our house until it sparkles
Garden in the back yard
Finish up all of the stacks of laundry sitting near the washer
Organize all drawers, clean refrigerator
Finish yesterday's grocery shopping
Get bloodwork drawn for my next doctor visit
Write today's blog
Research the cost of fixing (ridiculous, self-inflicted) damage to cars
Register for new session of church Mothers group
Prepare meal for adored friend recovering from surgery
Get ready to tutor tonight


and, MOST OF ALL ~

I wanted to put together a detailed spreadsheet of local principals, librarians and other contacts to send letters of introduction and business cards for my tutoring work.

I also needed to make two very important calls with reference to the tutoring business at a time when I had no children underfoot to shriek or use my body as a human jungle gym while I tried to talk.

If there had been any extra time I was also hoping to sift through my closet and put together a bag for Goodwill, organize the family budget and maybe even do my nails.

(There, I said it.

To everyone who believes that stay at home mothers sit around and do their nails all day, you now have proof!

The 16th item on my To Do list was indeed "Manicure".)

* * *

Here though, is what I actually accomplished today:

First day of school:
- got kids ready, chauffeured to school, took photos, posted photos on Facebook

Errands:
- picked up prescription (forgot wallet at home, returned home, found wallet, went back to pay for prescription)
- spent 90 minutes at Quest Diagnostics with restless two year old, waiting in line for a 2 minute blood draw... trying all the while to convince her that houses in magazines were actually castles and that Blake Lively is a real princess

Parenting:
- devoted quality time to said two year old, to make up for the 90 min at lab
- cooked lunch for, played with, changed diapers of, bathed, read to and sang songs

Productive Work:
- hahahaaha
- no actually, I did prepare for tutoring this evening
- worked on this blog


* * *

The thing is... (and this is the thing)

I need more hours. I have all of those other things on the list that must get done, many of them are really important. Crucial even.

I want time to get my business off the ground. I want it! I want it RIGHT NOW!

I want time to make the house beautiful and have dinner cooked and waiting for my husband just like June Cleaver... at least once in a while. He would be so surprised, so happy.

I want it! I want it RIGHT NOW!

I want to save enough money to help my husband buy a house. Save enough to travel with the kids in Europe like we've promised and planned.

I want it! I want it RIGHT NOW!


* * *

Ahem... yes. My tantrum.

(The tantrum itself, peppered with "RIGHT NOWs", "I WANTs" and a few choice curse words muttered in my head, was actually quite worthy of a two year old... although my own daughter is unreasonably talented in this arena and could probably have pulled the whole thing off with far more flair and sophistication.)

* * *

In any event,

the problem with wanting something RIGHT NOW

(especially when you are a mother juggling three little kids)

is that RIGHT NOW is rarely going to happen. The reality is, everybody else wants something right now that usually takes priority over *your* right now.

My calendar is slammed with appointments for the kids, housecleaning, cooking, chauffeuring, errands, laundering, helping with homework, tutoring and hopefully catching sight of my husband here and there in passing before we are both completely exhausted.

In fact, I've done some careful, meticulous calculations and figured out that the earliest I'm going to be able to focus on my own business and TO DO list will probably be Friday morning. Three days from now. (Unless something else comes up... like a sick kid... in which case, the entire calendar gets scrapped.)

So, yeah. Self, I'll see you and tend to your needs on Friday morning.

Friday morning?

But what happened to my big plans? My months of dreaming about everything I would get done just as soon as I had the chance?

Waaaaaaahh :-(

* * *

Then, just when I was starting to feel really frustrated, I heard my daughter knocking on her door to tell me that she'd finished napping.

"Mama! I poo-poo! Mama! I play! Mama! I wan out!!!" She pretended to cry, but then gave herself away by giggling hysterically before starting the fake cry again.

In a flash, she'd snapped me back into the reality of my present moment. Time to go change a diaper, give a smile, sing a song, make a snack, and focus on the real life happening all around me.

* * *

"You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
(You just might find)
You get what you Need!"


Tantrum over, I drew consolation from Mick Jagger and my daughter's dazzling smile... which I'm truly, truly blessed to have in my life Right Now.

Monday, September 5, 2011

September 5, 2011 ~ Day 270
...bittersweet


8:29pm, Monday
12 hours until the school year begins!
(not sure whether to cheer or cry)

* * * * * * *

At long last, summer vacation has come to a close.

Our sons are in bed, nervously awaiting new beginnings. They've been fed, bathed, dressed, brushed, storied, tucked in, kissed and cuddled. Cups of water at their bedside, nightlight turned on.

Freshly laundered, brand-new school clothes are neatly folded and stacked on the dresser, ready to go. Identical pairs of handsome beige washable sporty shoes are lined up side by side with brand new white-as-snow socks.

Each boy has his own unique bag of school supplies waiting by the front door, filled as requested by their schools.

For the 6 year old, a bag containing: markers, colored pencils, composition journals, glue, blank paper and the precious three-inch Pink Pearl erasers which we finally found after searching five different stores... because it was crucial to my son to buy everything on the teacher's list *exactly* as she'd asked for it. (Only brand name would do.)

For the 4 year old, a bag of comfort: a new pillow with brightly colored pillow case, crib sheet and soft blanket all covered with plush trucks and cars... just in case he decides that he'd like to take a nap now that he will be attending "full day" preschool for big boys.

Full day school.

Wow.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to have two sons in school from 8:30am until 3:15pm.

I don't even know how to feel about that... wistful? lonely? elated? free?

...ambivalent.

My heart hurts more than I had anticipated - thinking about how much I am going to miss my sons, at least at first.

It's true that they drive me up the wall with their incessant fighting and caterwauling. I'm not going to lie, I won't miss that part at all.

Today though, I got a tiny taste of how quiet my new schedule will be.

This afternoon my husband took our sons to see part of a baseball game, leaving me with my precious daughter who had fallen fast asleep.

Recognizing the opportunity to get stuff done, I didn't take much time at first to think about the sudden quiet space in our home. I bustled around without ceasing for a moment, racing to do as many chores as I could until she woke from her nap so that we could go to the grocery store.

Here is what I accomplished in a single hour with no children to wrangle:

Raked, swept and watered the front lawn
Collected and took out all of the trash in the house
Did one load of laundry and folded another
Swept the entire house
Cleaned one bathroom
Refilled a prescription (over the phone)
Responded to emails
Created a detailed shopping list
Remembered to locate my purse, keys, diaper bag AND cell phone BEFORE leaving the house!

By the time my daughter awakened from her nap and we set off to purchase food for school lunches, I was feeling like pretty hot stuff for having accomplished something tangible within a measurable span of time.

However, I noticed a downside to that remarkably productive hour:

I felt lonely. I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to sing to. Nobody to listen to.

I started to cycle through thoughts and worries in my mind.

I missed my boys. I wondered how they were doing.

I felt a little bored.


* * * * * * *

Go ahead and call me on it, it's true -

I've been complaining for weeks about how desperate I am to have a little space and some quiet time... and now that I finally have some, I'm whining about how much I miss my children.

Will I *ever* be satisfied? Fully contented with my situation?

Hard to say.
Is any mother?

* * * * * * *

It turns out that mothering is something like being a woman:

It's complex, rich and juicy... and just when you think you've got it somewhat figured out, you don't. Because the role is always evolving.

Part of being a mother is learning how to set your children free and send them forth into the world to grow and change in important ways that one mother alone cannot personally orchestrate.

Yet, another part of being a mother is yearning deeply to be with and care for your own children at all times... and feeling uncomfortable when you are physically separated from them.

(This may be biologically wired into the female body, so that we won't forget to nurture and protect our young until they are at last old enough to fend for themselves.)

This duality of desire is potent, magnetic.

I want them to go, yet I want them to stay. I love them, yet they drive me crazy. I need my own space, yet in their absence my space feels hollow.

* * * * * * *

On the bright side, it was quite lovely spending a little time with only my daughter. She and I talked a lot as we drove and grocery shopped together, and without her brothers around to fill up the air with their cacophony she had quite a lot to say.

We talked about stickers, princesses, rain, potty training, lunch and how big she is getting.

Yet, one of her most pressing questions struck poignantly, as it reflected my own mood exactly.

"Mommee, where my brudders? I wan my brudders. I wan play wid my brudders."

"Sweetie, your brothers are going to start school tomorrow. In just one year, you will be old enough to go to school too. Will you be ready?"


She nodded gravely and gazed deeply into my eyes.

"I wan frens mommee." (I want friends, Mommy) "I wan play my frens."

"I know you do," I smiled. "I know you are ready for school and friends. Just one more year, honey."

One more year. Wow.

One more year before all of this ends - this insane (magnificent) chapter of life that started nearly seven years ago and changed every single thing.

One more year before I gently give back the role of stay-at-home mother which I both love and hate, and edge back into the wide world around me.

No more diapers or diaper bag. No more morning naps. No more stroller.
No more baby talk. No more baby food. No more baby teeth.
No more pregnancies and maternity clothes (yay!)
No more feedings in the middle of the night. No more colic.
No more soft baby scent. No more tiny little hands and feet to kiss.
No more ultrasounds, c-section worries, placenta previas.
No more baby names. No more 4-D images from the womb.
No person but me will ever live inside my body again.

This is both the most wonderful thing to happen to me in years, and also the saddest thing.

* * * * * * *

When I was burly-pregnant with our eldest child, around eight months along and looking like a giant panda (as a dear friend of mine likes to say) my husband and I stopped in to give a rent check to my mother's neighbor, whose guest house we were occupying until our own house sold.

A sad woman in her sixties whose husband had just passed away, my mother's neighbor was quite melancholy and spent most of her days chain-smoking in dark rooms and mourning her recent loss. Estranged from her two children, she didn't feel too great about life.

I shifted my weight wearily as my stomach tightened in another Braxton-Hicks contraction, exhausted and sweaty in the summertime heat. My husband put his hand on my back to steady me.

The woman turned and fixed her eyes intently upon my belly.

"Do you know how lucky you are? You have LIFE in there. You are carrying LIFE. You are participating in a miracle.

I wish that just once I could feel that again."

Sighing, she sat down heavily.

"It's such a blessing, and then it's over. Before you know it, they've grown up and gone away. They've changed."
Her face clouded over.

* * * * * * *

At the time, I felt a little bit freaked out by her intensity. I also couldn't imagine *anyone* feeling remotely jealous of what I was experiencing at that moment - heaviness, heat, weariness, pain, aching and apprehension about childbirth.

I made an excuse to leave fairly quickly and walked over to my mother's house to rest my swollen feet.

More than six years later though,

I get it.

She was right. Carrying life WAS a miracle. I was so lucky to participate in that sacred process.

I am amazingly lucky every day that I get to spend with these three children. My husband and I have been so blessed.

Saying goodbye to them then, tomorrow morning, as my boys head off into their respective schools and spheres with their own teachers, friends and inner world...
Urging them to feel excited and joyous about growing up...
Celebrating as they nervously separate themselves from me...
Watching as my children walk further down their own paths, away from mine...

It's so beautiful; so magical;
so heartbreaking.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

September 4, 2011 ~ Day 269
A Fresh Start

In about 36 hours I am going to get a brand new beginning, a "re-boot" as some might say.

I'll be kissing goodbye a long, somewhat fun but mostly grueling summer at home with the three small people I love most.

Am I ready?

Oh, yes.

It's time to embrace a different lifestyle. Two kids in two schools in two very different parts of the city.

There will be more driving, but a lot less of the roles I hate the most in my work as a mommy: police officer, diplomatic mediator and bodyguard.

Have I mentioned how tired I am? How worn down I have become after three months of their incessant fights and the need to constantly improvise new strategies for discipline?

My parenting fatigue shows, too. In the last two weeks I've managed to get into a stupid car accident with my own other vehicle while trying to break up a child argument and my two year old daughter overdosed on 85 vitamin B12 pills with me standing just feet away. Awful.

It's clear that I'm not at the top of my game.
I need to go meditate on hill, or sleep for a week.

* * * * * * *

In all honesty, there is another reason I am so glad that school is starting.

I'm secretly so grateful that I am going to have two more strong, capable women joining my parenting team.

On Tuesday my sons will gain two fantastic teachers - women who are experienced, great with kids, wise. They've each been teaching for upward of 25 years and I am just amazed by both of them so far. I need their help. I'm so excited, so grateful for their time.

Hillary Clinton wrote that it takes a village to raise a child. My little village needs to expand so that there are other reliable members helping to care for my children during the day... helping me share the instruction of important lessons about community, kindness, sharing, compassion and the Golden Rule.

Mothering is such an important job. I really can't do it alone.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if each child had at least two mothers? I'm thinking my three kids could each use at least nine mothers:

A mother for love, cuddling and nurturing.
A mother for nutrition and health.
A mother devoted to their learning, school and studying at home.
A mother for transportation.
A mother working to provide additional income for the family.
A mother for athletics, fun and adventure!
A mother to turn to when in need of guidance and advice.
A mother whose sole role would be to keep the house clean, fresh and tidy.
A mother for spiritual wisdom.

I'm probably missing a few mothers in there... but I think these nine would give my kids a great foundation and help them to thrive in the world.

I try so hard to be all of these things for them, but I probably fill no more than 3 of these 9 roles at any given time.

* * * * * * *

Yesterday we spent a few hours with one of my very best friends and her family at the beach, and I was not at my best. I could barely hold a conversation with her, I was so focused on worrying about my children as they roughhoused around the beach and tried to run closer to the edge of the ocean which churned with rip currents and unusually high surf.

Lifeguards rescued between 25 and 35 people from local waters yesterday and I just wasn't cool with any of it.

This isn't a normal reaction for me. I love the ocean. I love surf. I love the beach. I love playing with my kids on the beach.

I'm just at my limit, that's all.

I've reached the edge of my tolerance for worry. I've had six full weeks of worry and I'm totally and completely exhausted. I don't have my usual adaptability for risk, adventure and chaos.

Instead, I'm tightly wound. Ready to snap. Not much fun to be around, that's for sure.

So, my kids and I are all ready for some of those other mother figures to share our lives. Bring on the teachers!!! Woo-hoo!

At school my sons will have incredible resources: so many people who will help care for them and guide their growth. They'll also have numerous outlets for their energy... sports, music, computers, dancing, lots of other children to play with, and the sheer joy of learning more about the world around them.

They *need* this break from me.

I need the break too.

We all need to breathe, away from each other for a few hours each day.

Maybe when he has seven or eight hours off from spending time with me, my eldest son will stop rolling his eyes when I speak.

Maybe when he has seven or eight hours off from spending time with me, my younger son will become less shy (constantly hiding behind me and clutching my legs) and even form some close friendships.

Maybe when she has seven our eight hours alone with me, my little girl will leap out of her role as beloved and tortured younger sibling... and spring forth into her own clear being.

Whatever the future holds, at least there will be other people helping to ease the pressure I feel when the buck stops with me 24 hours a day.

That sounds selfish, and I'm sorry. There is nothing and nobody that I love more than my three children and I would do anything for them. I'm so glad and grateful though that at least five days per week, I'm going to have help.

* * * * * * *

During those blessed hours while they are at school, I am going to focus at least some of my energy on building my own business and working again!

One of my dear friends, the working mother of two boys, has always told me that she feels working makes her a much better mother for her children.

I'm so excited to get back out there in an adult world and take on some career responsibility. It will be a joy to rediscover just a small bit of my independent identity.

Who *am* I when I'm not policing, mediating and protecting?

Maybe I'll discover that I've got some fun and adventure left in me yet!

Either way I hope that between work and a little personal space, I will become a much better mother soon... so here's to our fresh start!

Friday, September 2, 2011

September 2, 2011 ~ Day 267
Neighborhood


You know you live in the right neighborhood when...

  • you take your children to get their "back to school" haircuts, forget your stroller in front of the hair salon (driving blithely away to run other errands) and return FOUR HOURS LATER to find it still sitting *exactly* where you left it in the middle of the sidewalk with all of your belongings still sitting untouched, neatly organized in its pockets and undercarriage. Nice!
  • you bring your four year old to soccer practice and end up sitting next to a fabulous mother of three from France, whose son befriends your child instantly, and who generously allows you to practice the rusty high school French you haven't used in nearly two decades as you swap parenting stories with her. Yay!
  • the dance studio just a few blocks away from your home appreciates your six year old child's efforts enough to offer him sizeable dance scholarship!
  • you leave it up to "Fate" to determine which 1st grade teacher that same child will have at his local elementary school, rather than making requests or writing letters... and discover to your wonderment and delight that he's randomly been selected to learn from the "best teacher in the school" (as per all of the other parents). Wow!
  • hundreds to thousands of children descend upon the streets around your house for major holidays - especially July 4th and Halloween - because your neighborhood is known for having some of the best parades, decorations and candy anywhere in the city!
  • some of the best surfing and swimming beaches in the state are within walking distance of your home
  • you find yourself counting the days until you can meet up with the scores of local mothers at your twice monthly church group, excited to learn and laugh and cry and share and flourish among your supportive new friends
  • suddenly you have many local babysitters eager to care for your children so you can go on dates or get more work done!
  • you feel strong enough to work again, and happily there is plenty of opportunity locally to expand your career when you are ready :-)
  • people comment on how much better you seem and your blood tests begin to show a lot of improvement each month
  • you overhear your husband telling his friends on the telephone how much he loves your new house and neighborhood, and how it's been a great move for your family
  • you genuinely look forward to coming home every day
  • you find yourself walking through the neighborhood dazzled by its beauty... and feeling confident that you'll still be walking the same streets (just as dazzled!) in forty years or so
  • you never feel lonely in your house, even when you are alone
  • you go to sleep with a smile on your face nearly every night and always awaken feeling lucky and happy to be here.