October 16, 2011 ~ Day 311 Why Coparents Are Worth Their Weight In GOLD

My husband returned home tonight after three days away, and I've gotta admit it was awfully nice to see the guy.

I love our kids vastly, and we mainly had a great weekend together, but every single time my husband leaves I find myself in awe of single mothers. Single parents, actually - because I'm sure there are a ton of single dads out there doing their best to raise kids on their own too!

Here are some of the things I noticed that you can't do when your parenting partner is out of town (or if you simply don't have one):

• Use the bathroom in private, or even with the door closed... because you need to be able to keep an eye on your smallest child while listening to make sure that the older children are not (a) beating each other up; (b) stealing dessert from the refrigerator; or (c) endangering themselves in other creative, inappropriate ways.
• Sleep. Because with three small children, someone is always up. Until that someone wakes their sister or brother up. At which point, everyone is up.
• Talk on the telephone. At all. Even for two minutes. (Not even if the President of the United States were on the other end of the line. The kids would STILL start singing and screaming two feet away. Just BECAUSE.)
• Decompress. When you're the only parent around, you're always "on"... Twenty four hours a day, the buck stops with you, which means you can't let your guard down. The second you do, some child will inevitably grow hysterical. It's better to stand ready at all times than to be blindsided by some of the amazing stuff kids can throw at you out of nowhere...
• Be in two places at once. Case in point, this weekend I had two sons with soccer practice at 4pm. Practices located 20 minutes apart. Thank goodness for the generosity of another team mom who graciously volunteered to take my younger son to his practice. I know my children *think* I can be in two places at once, but sorry kids - they haven't figured out a way to clone mommy yet.
• Share precious, spontaneous parenting moments. On Friday my two year old daughter confided in me that she (a) has a boyfriend and (b) loves her brothers because they are funny and nice. She was giggling adorably when she told me how much fun she has with her brothers, and how excited she was for them to come home from school for the day. I wished so much I'd had someone there listening with me to her babbling away, someone I could've turned to and said "Did you hear that? Is it just me or is she not absolutely DARLING???" But no-one was there.

There are a lot of military families in our town and some of my dearest friends have their husbands on deployment right now. Which means they are tending to their large, beautiful families alone.

Due to the nature of war itself and our country's difficult economic circumstances, these friends have no idea when their husbands will definitely be coming home... or how long they'll be able to stay before additional deployments.

I wonder if this is even more challenging than parenting entirely by oneself. When you're always waiting for someone to return, each moment has the potential to be beautiful (filled with memories, hope and love) or excruciating. You never know exactly what to expect. You can't just move forward.

The kids in these families are are always waiting too. Waiting for the other parent to return; waiting to hug them; waiting to have two parents again; Waiting for a reunion that they worry never actually come.

When I compare my paltry stints of single parenthood to these friends, I have to laugh at myself really hard.

Watching military families adapt with such grace and courage to lengthy separations gives a whiner like me quite a reality check. My three days of parenting alone doesn't really stack up to weeks, months, years or even a lifetime of single parenting.

That admitted, I'm extremely glad to have my husband back in town :-)

January 15, 2011 ~ Day 37It takes Two

Today is "Daddy's Day" with our kids, also known as "Mommy's Break". Once a week my husband and I each take about six hours for ourselves as personal time in which to recoup, hang out with our friends and catch up on the little things like drinking a cup of coffee while reading the paper (my husband) or catching the latest chick flick at the theater (me).

We came upon this strategy years ago as a way not to feel stifled in our roles as parents and providers. A way not to lose ourselves, and better still, a way for each of us to spend quality time every week with our children.

I awoke this morning to shrieking - mostly happy - as our three children tore around the house playing games and chasing each other. "Mommmmmeeeeee!" they whined as they piled on top of me. "We're HUNGRY!!!" It took me a second to remember that today was Daddy's Day. Groaning and yawning, I wondered where my husband was and what he was doing.

Padding down the stairs after the kids, who raced right around me, I arrived in the kitchen to find my husband hunched over his computer checking out bike jerseys. "Good morning!" he said, "I'm using that gift certificate I told you about."

Freshly out of bed and not quite awake yet, my instinct was to feel frustrated. "Um, the kids are hungry. Have you thought about breakfast?"

It was a silly question though, because my husband is a great dad. "I've got pancakes going. Batter is all ready. They'll be done in two minutes." Sure enough, just a handful of minutes and one tantrum later my children were all feasting on their dad's homemade wheat pancakes filled with mangos and strawberries. "Daddy made us pancakes!" they sang. "We want MORE SYRUP!"

Their dad, who was back on the computer looking at his biking stuff, smiled and passed the bottle over. I restrained myself from commenting. After all, he would be the one dealing with any sugar-low meltdowns later in the day. It really wasn't my place to interject.

The great thing about co-parenting is that you get two totally disparate human beings bringing their different world views and life experiences to the table, working together to enrich the lives of growing children that you both adore.

My husband and I are extraordinarily different in the ways that we interact with our children, our tolerance level for risk and ideas about safety, even our ideas about what is fun.

The wonderful thing about these differences is that the winners from the ongoing dialogue are almost always our children. They benefit from riding their own bikes to the park with daddy and they benefit from painting and drawing with their mommy. They learn soccer skills and how to "shake it off" from daddy and they learn how to make pie crust and custard filling from mommy.

In the end, each of us give our children a unique perspective on the world that the other one could not offer... thus broadening their horizons and giving them the clear understanding that there isn't just one way to look at any situation. There are lots of right answers, and there are also a lot of ways for people from different backgrounds to work together successfully.

A few days ago my son asked me when we would next be going to KIDLAND, the child-friendly theme park in our county. We hold annual passes there so he knows that the option is always available, especially on weekends or holidays.

This is Martin Luther King Jr weekend - a three day holiday - and I felt that the theme park was likely to be way too crowded with out of town visitors and local families on vacation from school, especially since we've been enjoying really terrific weather. "I'm not sure this is the right time," I told him, "I think we should wait until a weekday so that we can have the run of the park."

This answer reflects my personality - I shy from crowds and typically prefer the quiet companionship of just a few friends at a time, rather than large groups.

However when our children finished eating their pancakes this morning their Daddy asked, "Who feels like going to KIDLAND today?" We had not discussed this idea, but I'm fairly confident that our eldest son had raised the topic with him yesterday evening before bedtime.

"What about the crowds?" I asked. "Three kids is a lot for either of us to handle at once, are you sure you want to deal with that kind of chaos while you have all three of them on your own?"

"Sure, why not?" my husband replied. "It will be fun!"

This answer reflects my husband's personality. He adores being social in large groups. A former touring musician, he adapted quickly to performing on stage in front of crowds. Living according to his personal credo, "The more, the merrier", my guy may actually thrive off of the energy of being in the midst of a swarm of tourists.

"Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Our children sang, and rushed to get their shoes on.

I experienced one real twinge of jealousy. "I wish I could be the fun parent," I sighed.

"You are fun," he said, "Just in a different way."

My children are so lucky to have a dad that lets them run around screaming like banshees, cooks homemade pancakes with extra syrup and takes them spontaneously to theme parks to play. He is a tremendous, terrific father and I count my blessings every day to have chosen a life mate that thinks playing with his kids ~ and making the time to do so ~ is fantastic and worthwhile.

I think they are also lucky to have a parent like me, who will (as usual) devote several hours of my own personal time to doing their laundry, sorting out the grocery list, paying bills, filling out their preschool and first grade applications and planning a birthday dinner for their grandmother this evening.

Our children need both of us, they learn from both of us, they thrive thanks to both of us.

Together we form a yin and yang of parenting, giving the three people we each love most a necessary balance... and always looking for ways to meet in the middle.