When we broke into small groups, each table was asked to speak about four questions.
At our table, the first discussion question was, "What do you hope to accomplish this holiday season?"
The seven ladies at our table looked expectantly at each other, smiling.
No-one made the first move to speak.
Shy by nature, I have trained myself over decades to summon the courage to pipe up at moments when I'd actually rather hide behind a book or flyer.
I learned in graduate school that if you are the first to speak, it breaks the ice and also allows you to speak less later on in the group discussion... having already participated in a visible way.
In a way, it's easier to go first than to add something after everyone else at the table has spoken.
So in my paradoxically bold-yet-shy way, I began to confide yesterday what I really hoped to accomplish with the holidays this year. The words sort of tumbled out.
"I wish," I began, "that I could create the holiday spirit in my own home like my own mother did for me when I was young.
My parents really made the holidays special, especially my mother. She loves giving more than anything... and as a child our house during the month of December was filled with so much love, cosiness and creativity. My mother was always baking, crafting, cooking and giving during the holiday season. I learned to love Christmas thanks to my mother. Our home at the holidays was always calm and peaceful, without any tension.
My home today, thirty years later," I added, "Is a totally different story. It is filled with chaos rather than Christmas carols. Always noisy, rarely tidy. My children have tantrums frequently and fight with each other. I haven't even begun our Christmas shopping yet, let alone any projects. It is nothing the way I remember holidays growing up, nothing close to what I wish holidays would be for my own children. I hope I will be able to create even a quarter of the joy of the season within my own family that my mother created for me."
The other women at my table responded with great kindness.
"I believe," said the mother immediately to my right, "that you are selling yourself short. Just by listening to you I believe that you are probably doing much more than you realize for your children."
"Honestly," said a grandmother sitting across from me, "Your childhood experience doesn't sound very normal. I think you are comparing yourself to something that isn't really typical. The home and family you have now sound a lot more like most families."
"I'll bet," said another mother, "that you probably just remember the good things from your childhood. I'm sure if you asked your mother about those same years, she would tell you that there were plenty of things that weren't perfect - just things a small child wouldn't have known about or noticed."
"You know," mused the woman to my left, "There are probably many things that you do differently and maybe even better than your own mother did them with you. It sounds like you are comparing yourself to her strengths, but instead maybe you should look at your own strengths. There are probably plenty of great things you do with your children that she never did with you."
Our conversation continued forward with other questions and other speakers, but this small exchange reveals a lot about why I love my church mother's group. I am really grateful for the feeling of community and "team" spirit there... the way in which I can arrive burdened and worried that I may be the worst mother in the world, and leave feeling uplifted and called to gratitude.
Since that chat, I've been mulling it over. What they said.
Do I have strengths that my mother didn't have?
What are the things that I do well as a mom, that I'm proud of? What do I bring to the table that works?
Maybe these are questions that every woman asks herself after becoming a mother.
Traditionally it has always been hard for me to identify my strengths, especially as a parent. It is common knowledge among my close family and friends that I am very hard on myself, and frequently struggle against the vague feeling that I am in some way failing.
When my daughter ingested about 90 vitamin B-12 pills, for example... or when she took a massive tumble off the top row of an auditorium of stadium seats last weekend and tumbled not one - but TWO - rows down landing hard on the concrete...
At those moments, which occur far too frequently, I cannot help hating myself a little. I can tell you in all honesty that as I screamed and leapt for my child - yet did not manage to catch her - I experienced the powerful fear that she might have a terrible injury and it was all my fault for not being a better mother.
"If only I'd held onto her more closely, if only I'd never taken her to see this stupid penguin movie at all!"
Even when she manages to pull through and run around cheerily after these kinds of events, it takes me a long time to get over them.
* * *
But I digress.
My challenge is to do what my church mother's group suggested - look for the positive traits in myself and discover the ways in which - albeit differently from my own mother - I too bring special gifts to my kids.
I think this is a useful exercise, and maybe something that *all* mothers should do from time to time... take stock of what they are proud of and what they are doing well.
It took me a long time to come up with a list of things I do that my mother did not do with me... things that I am happy to give my children. (I was lucky enough to have such a great mother that there are very few things she didn't do for me.) Here though, is my list:
What I Bring As A Mother
- Sometimes when music is playing in the grocery store, I spontaneously dance and sing with my kids in the aisles... in a very undignified and highly goofy way. I'm glad I can let loose with my kids and show them the lighter sides of life.
- I have done a lot of volunteering in my kids' classrooms already, and plan to do a lot more. This is something I did not experience as a child.
- My husband and I take our kids out into nature to go hiking, biking and playing. I didn't get much time in nature as a kid, other than my own back yard or the beach. I'm glad that we take our kids to the mountains. I'm glad my boys have already camped with their dad in the back yard by the ages of 6 and 4.
- In our house, the 5 second rule is valid and ~ much to my mother's dismay ~ we often let our children eat food they have accidentally dropped on the floor at our house. My husband and I share the belief that modern society is over-sanitized, contributing to the growing number of autoimmune problems including allergies and asthma that children face today. We believe a little dirt is good for you. I grew up in a home that was pretty much always sparkling clean... and just look at where my immune system is today. Hmmmmm.
- My children have siblings close in age! Growing up, I would have killed for a brother or sister close to my own age. I tried to pretend that the ten years between my nearest sibling and me was not very long... but in the end, there is a huge difference between 10 and 20, or 16 and 26. My childhood was very lonely a lot of the time and I had so much jealousy toward my friends with brothers and sisters near our age. They always seemed so close, even when they were fighting. I always loved my four much-older siblings but I really wished I had someone to hang out with at home with my folks.
- I talk with my kids in a very honest, profound way about our family life. We've already had the "talk" about how babies are made (we got as far as the boy has a seed and the girl has an egg, and together the seed and the egg make a baby)... something I didn't learn about until the age of 10 or 11. We've also talked through the glitches that arise now and then in our family relationships, and even discussed at length our personal strengths, fears and deeper beliefs with our kids (using child appropriate words). I value that we are a family that talks about things, as I grew up in a home where serious talking was done behind closed doors.
- My sons play soccer, something I would have loved to have done as a little girl. It's awesome. I have been so proud and impressed... so happy for them as they learn teamwork, confidence and determination. It is important to me to give my children the experiences I missed out on as a kid: team sports, youth group, families that hang out together and kids that grow up together.
- We are a family that openly embraces gay marriage, setting a tone that tells our children when they grow up they can marry anyone they truly love (of either gender) who treats them well. The first wedding my sons attended in their young lives was that of my brother and his husband. It was a beautiful day, a stunning wedding, and the perfect first experience of "marriage" for our kids to see. I value that my children are growing up in a household where no matter what their ultimate orientation, they will feel loved and appreciated for who they are.
- Every day I give my children the example of a woman who is brave and capable enough to take care of things by herself. Whether I'm out cutting down tree branches, killing widow spiders, plunging the toilet or washing the car, I'm a confident and proactive woman without the patience to wait around until a man can take care of things for me. My father was way over-protective of my mother and in the house where I grew up, she was not allowed to drive after dark by herself. I chose to marry a man who - for better and worse - sees me as his equal (capable of doing everything he can and more) which pushes me to grow stronger every day. His question, "Why can't *you* do it?" over 10 years has caused me to realize that happily, I CAN.
- I've taught our kids about saving money from a young age. I bought all of them piggy banks and every time they do a chore for me they are obliged to bank their money to save for something special that they really covet. My eldest son has now finally earned enough money to buy himself the remote control car he has wanted for about four months. Even his baby sister gets excited about earning pennies for her "piggy piggy". I wish my folks had been economically savvy to teach me about saving when I was a little kid. If I had understood debt and finances better, I might have spent the $125,000.00 from my college education on buying a little house at the age of 18... which would, ten years later, have been worth many times the investment. I think I could have gotten a great education at a state school and ended up a lot more financially solvent. Instead, I accrued a ton of debt and will now be paying off my degrees until I'm 65 or so.
- My husband and I give our kids a carefree, creative, relaxed growing environment. When I was a kid my dad used to shake his head in dismay at the mess in my bedroom... as compared to the rest of their pristine house. "How will you ever have a gentleman caller when you get older if you live like this! You're going to have to learn how to keep things cleaner." Ironically (but also happily) I fell in love with a man who tolerate mess very well and is arguably as messy as I am... although in different ways. Our home is very rarely clean, even though I devote many, many hours to cleaning and laundry during the week. Our children are thus comfortable in chaos and not uptight about keeping things perfect. This is probably a good thing in the long run.
* * *
Diving into this holiday season, it's nice to remember that though I won't ever be my own amazing mother ~ I'm still a devoted and sincere mother. I love my kids just as vastly as my own parents loved me.
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