January 25, 2011 ~ Day 47 Spoiled

Credit: Free photos from acobox.com


Sometimes in life decisions seem clear cut; easy. You make a choice and everything about it feels right.

Other times, things are not so simple. You have to leap over chasms fully aware of the darkness below and the possibility that you might end up falling.

I am so confused right now about the house we are supposed to move to. The neighborhood is right. The schools are right. The proximity to dear friends is right. The price is right. I can list about 30 things that are right about this both in the short and long term.

It's just the house.

I'm having a problem with the house.

And I think the problem is, I'm spoiled.

My house problem is the kind of problem you would only find a middle class stay-at-home mother whining about. There are plenty of countries where five families might share a single house of this size and still feel so grateful to have a roof over their heads.

Despite my awareness of the baggage (entitlement) I bring to the issue of the house, I'm still grappling with my own discomfort. We're about to make this huge jump and I have to negotiate the problems that I foresee before we get there, so that I can fix them and make things function for my family.

Or, if I can't fix them... then I need to be perceptive enough to let go of the house before we actually make the move.

Here are the problems as I foresee them, having spent about an hour inside of the house this afternoon:

• All three of my children will have to share a fairly small bedroom, which is flush with the ground outside and so a bit damp and cold. It is located on the shady side of the house. I am worried that they will be very crowded and chilled in there.


• The bathroom has a very old school low-to-ground heater that I fear could easily burn my daughter and will take vigilance to keep her away from it.


• The uber-palacial house next door features a large swimming pool with a loud motor (filter?) that runs all day and is annoyingly located about 10 feet from the master bedroom of our house. So much for peace and quiet. My husband went by their house this afternoon to ask if it runs all night as well. Apparently they do turn it off at night.


• There is a huge shady (old) tree in the back yard that has so much foliage hanging down, it has created a dark wooded kingdom below where there are certainly a wide variety of insects and I am guessing also rats, mice and possibly (although perhaps not likely) snakes. Possums for certain though. It will definitely need to be cleared out.


• There are about five gazillion black or brown widow eggs located all along the eves of the downstairs level of the house (which is storage for the owner). Which is especially a problem for me when you add it to this next one:


• All of the screens on the windows of the house are broken, falling out of the windows, leaving large gaps for insects to come into the house.


• My allergies weren't great there this afternoon :-( and I do have a very strong allergy to both dust, mold and grass. A modern condo without a yard would probably be a better fit for someone with my allergies.

and yes, I know that widow spiders are EVERYWHERE in this city because we've had them at our last 3 homes. So that really can't be a deterrent in moving...

I am worried that there will never be a moment of peace for me living in this new house. It is so small, I can hear my children talking in the back yard from the front door. If I am always anxious about them getting hurt or bitten in the back yard that takes away the best part of the entire home, because the yard itself is vast and definitely the most attractive feature of the home.

But then I have to ask myself, does it really matter where we live if we are in the right community? As long as we have walls and a roof, and a heater that basically works? Does it really matter where we live if we are actively saving money toward a new home of our own? If we know this is only temporary, can't we just work it out, no matter what the problem is?

Which brings me back to my original confession, which is that I am so spoiled.

Can I just confess that I love living in our current beautiful house with its stainless steel appliances and its gleaming wood floors? That I love the quiet whirr of its forced air heating and the elegance of its recessed lights? That I adore having an actual dining room to eat in with company? And an actual toy room where I can send my kids to frolic while I peacefully cook dinner?

I'm 35 years old and I like living well. I like things that are clean and easy to maintain, without mold or dust. I've gotten used to the easy life and it's hard to go backward, even when we're going backward in order to ultimately move forward.

Part of me also thinks that maybe we should make this move *because* I don't think I'll be fully happy there, just to see if it turns out to be a lovely surprise. We've certainly made moves in the past that I thought would be amazing but they turned out to be a real challenge. Maybe it's time to take the bull by the horns and do something I'm not that excited about, in order to see how great it might actually be.

My husband and I have discussed it all at length. In his heart he just wants to buy a home, so whatever we can do to get ourselves closer to that goal is what he wants to do. From that standpoint, moving is definitely the right thing - we stand to save a lot of money each month by moving. That said, he is so busy with work right now the entire move is up to me... including making the actual decision of when and where to go.

I talked all of this over with my mother tonight and she said that before I go to sleep I should try to visualize my family at the new house and set the intention that when I awaken in the morning, I will know the answer to this question.

I really hope she is right. I feel so much pressure to make the correct decision here, a choice that will bless my family and also our neighbors and friends. When I used to have a career I loved collaborating with other people to make a shared decision, because it seemed like collectively we had a broader perspective and made sensible choices. Going it alone is liberating, I guess, but also really scary and pressured. What if I make the wrong move? Literally?

It is late at night now so for the time being I have to turn this over to a higher power and let go. I pray for guidance, I pray for grace. I'm grateful to have the opportunities that we do... I'm grateful for the blessings and miracles we are surrounded with every day. I'm grateful for my children and husband... and if you're reading this, whomever you may be, I am sincerely grateful for you too.

January 20, 2011 ~ Day 42 Downsizing

It's time for a garage sale.

The house that we are leaving offers over 2200 square feet of living space. It is the nicest home either my husband or I have ever lived in since leaving our respective parents after high school. With French doors leading onto the patio, a lovely bright dining room, backyard patio and two car garage we have enjoyed more space than we actually had furniture to fill. It truly exceeded all of our expectations. Built in 1988, the home is dry (not damp or moldy), clean and modern with an incredible six burner stainless steel stove and all stainless steel kitchen appliances.

Today we put our deposit down on a sweet 1951 home that probably hasn't had much real maintenance since 1970. The bones of the building and garage are amazing - if we were buying the house, we would feel so lucky! It represents a treasure trove of opportunity. As renters though, we will experience the intractable reality of its old school gas heaters (I'll have to watch like a hawk so the kids don't get burnt...), an enclosed kitchen area (no more chatting with friends from the kitchen when we have guests to dinner), and the awful pink bathroom tile. Pink is actually a generous term. I would actually liken it more to pomegranate. Or puce.

The new house is just over half the size of the one we are leaving. I believe Zillow.com lists its square footage around 1410. Not shabby but a far cry from 2200. We'll have to get rid of 800 sq feet worth of toys and belongings just to fit.

Does this make me at all anxious? I'd be lying if I said it didn't. The sum of our experience as a family of five living in a teeny home comes from seven days spent living in a two room beach cottage while on vacation. We had a great time, but the children barely slept when they were all sharing the same room. On the first evening of that trip our daughter had a bad stomach ache and kept the entire family up with her crying until 4am, as there was no place in the house to escape the sound. This will be tricky.

We are already scheming about how we can make it all work out, since my husband will need to use one of the three bedrooms as his home office. We're thinking our oldest boy can sleep in the office room at night, and the little ones can share the second bedroom with all of their LEGOs and dolls. Sayonara, toy room!

So the house is a little dodgy, yet in many ways a wonderful move. Perfect neighborhood, perfect street, absolutely incredible enormous back yard. Hello soccer games, bike riding and gardening at home!!!

The best news though, is that we managed to get our younger son signed up for the top rated Montessori preschool in the area (the same school with a waiting list of 13 kids for a single spot next Fall) beginning in two weeks. I took him there to check it out today, and as soon as he saw the large grassy field, play gym, swing set, and row of bright red tricycles, he was sold.

"I think you are really going to love it here honey," I said as we walked toward the front door.

"Mama," he replied with an ear-to-ear smile, "I think I already DO love it."

(My heart melted into a puddle on the spot. Have I mentioned how much I adore that child?)

The teachers and classrooms could not have been nicer, and my boy already knows the Montessori method very well from having attended Montessori school since August - and from having watched his brother attend for the two years prior. He fit right into the room and began quietly working with the wooden puzzles and looking through the magnifying glass. He was very shy with the other kids but warmed up quickly, participating in their circle time and even chatting up two girls on the playground at recess: "Mommy, they asked me if I wanted to bake a cake with them in the sandbox!"

"Wow honey, that's your favorite sandbox game! How cool that they love to bake cakes just like you do!"

"I like this school!"

My favorite part of the school interview today revolved around a taller blond boy with (adorable) big ears, freckles and a winning, mischievous smile... who continued to try to impress the class with fart noises and raspberry/zerbert sounds. He ambled over to the table where I sat filling out forms and introduced himself.

"Hi! I'm three years old! But my birthday is in April. April third. I am going to be four. I am a big boy. I went to see Mickey. (He pauses.) I didn't see Mickey though. I was too shy."

"It is very nice to meet you. This is my son. He is three years old too, just like you."

"When is his birthday? Is his birthday in April?"

"His birthday is in June. Then he will turn four."

"I am almost four." (He is dancing and almost shouting.) "I am very shy." (He then makes a large raspberry sound with his lips, giggles hysterically, and points at another boy pulling a woolen hat over his own eyes.) "That is Damian*. He likes to get in trouble. He is a bad boy. He hits the teachers."

"Oh wow, well that is not a nice thing to do. My son does not hit." And it's true! My son doesn't hit. Instead he throws the mother of all holy tantrums when he has been hit.

The boy began to hop up and down on one foot and make more raspberry sounds. He was laughing so hard, it was very difficult to keep a straight face. One of his teachers intervened and quietly redirected him... but as he left, he sang out "BYYYEEEEEEEEE!" and gave us a hearty salute.

My boy looked up at me and grinned. "Mama, that boy is funny."

"Buddy, I think you're going to make a lot of friends here."

So, that was the best part of the entire day. Knowing that both of my boys are excited and contented with our upcoming move, and that they will each enter outstanding schools in the neighborhood right away with other friendly children... it really helps the small older house in the best of all locations to seem extraordinary and livable. After all, what is a home beyond a warm shelter that supports us in a healthy lifestyle and our family relationships? The house need not be large to provide access to a really great quality of life.

We may be downsizing, but we're not downgrading.




*Name changed to protect identity of the child in question.

January 14, 2011 ~ Day 36 Eager S.A.H.M. seeks H (house!)

I can't stop checking Craigslist.

It's bordering on an obsession, as I scan for new homes listed. Even though logically I understand that a new home has probably *not* been listed for rent or sale since I ate lunch about twenty minutes ago, I find myself impatiently checking out the listings yet again.

We've recently decided to make a big move, or at least to be open to making a big move. My husband feels strongly that now is the time to get into the housing market if we can figure out how to make it happen - but the catch is, we can't afford to do it in the community where we currently live. Even a teardown here runs up to a million dollars or more.

Given the inside view I've now had of our neighborhood schools though, backed up by conversations with lots of local residents and even my younger child's preschool teachers, we feel comfortable going forward with a move to a different community. All public schools are suffering gravely right now from the ongoing California budget cuts, but the two neighborhoods we are looking at have enough parent support to essentially make up the fiscal difference. Moving away may even be moving UP as far as education for our children is concerned.

This week I attended three elementary school orientations and there was one school that stood out ~ head and shoulders above the rest. In fact, it was so clear that I telephoned my husband immediately and told him, "Honey, I don't think we have to look any more. This is it."

Even with an outstanding public school in the neighborhood, the move will not be simple. We either have to find the right home for sale or the perfect rental, a decision that will hopefully support our family and keep us thriving for many years to come. Whether it is a rental or our own place, we know we'll be sacrificing about 1000 square feet of living space for the privilege of moving into this new community. The houses there are simply smaller, more like cottages.

On top of that, I learned at the park today that preschools in that neighborhood have waiting lists that are years-long. Years. Apparently I should have considered putting younger son on the waiting list for preschool before he was conceived, rather than calling yesterday for a spontaneous admission. All of this is very different than what I am accustomed to - in our relatively laid-back community you simply apply in January for a spot in the Fall, and usually by March you've been accepted.

I'm also looking around at our house thinking that this is the perfect time to de-clutter everything. I'm already imagining how to sell all of our baby furniture, give away half of the kids clothes to Amvets or the Good Will, and store all of my teaching supplies since I'm not likely to be using them soon at this rate.

My heart is racing and I feel both excited and anxious, like I'm about to run a race.

More deeply, I feel a worry common to all parents. Are we making the right choice? Is this the right neighborhood? Will our children thrive? Will we regret this move when we look back some day? Will this be the best decision of our lives, or perhaps the worst?

It is very hard to leave our present home and community where we have put down deep roots and fallen in love with the lifestyle. I have a handful of incredibly close friends in this neighborhood, people I would do anything for that I am convinced would also do anything for me. I don't want to leave them!

If you haven't figured it out by now (Day 36) I am a traditionalist - a creature of habit - a packrat. I have trouble getting rid of even the least savory of my sons' art projects from preschool because the mere fact of their existence has meaning to me. It is always very hard for me to say goodbye and make changes, unless I have been truly unhappy. I am not truly unhappy here, in fact I have mostly loved living here. It just doesn't appear to be in the cards for us to remain in this community long term. We're rapidly approaching a "No guts, No glory" moment.

These are the opportunities when it is most essential to trust in a plan that is bigger than us, bigger than our family unit or even our dreams. Time to pray that we will be guided into the right home in the right place for the right price, with an adequate preschool option and plenty of things to be optimistic about. I'm also praying that whatever move will bless our family will also bless those around us.

No matter what happens though, I take comfort in knowing that wherever we end up and however it looks, we'll still have each other. I remind the kids that home is wherever the five of us are together in one place. In the end, being together is the only thing which truly matters.