July 6, 2011 ~ Day 208 Experiment

Yesterday night I wrote about the brainstorming I've been doing lately as a woman, mother and wife about my need to control the behaviors of the people around me... most notably, those of my children.

I wondered aloud whether or not I just needed to let go and accept my three kids for who they are, including their rougher edges.

The Law of Attraction would call it turning my boat back downstream. Going with the flow, as it were.

Today then, I decided to try an experiment. Rather than reacting emotionally to the stressors in our household (at least, the things that stress *me* out) I would simply accept them. I would not try to change them. Just accept them.

I wondered how this would look in practice, and whether it was even possible.

I am a very protective, proactive mother so I knew that my way of "going with the flow" or "accepting" wouldn't equate to letting my kids run wild. It wouldn't change my actual parenting... just the emotions and communication tied to my parenting.

My real goal was to feel and express love and acceptance for my family, even when their behavior violated my own value system.

* * * * *

I got my first opportunity to work on this new strategy within moments of waking today. As I opened my eyes I could hear my three children shrieking hysterically in the bedroom next door. It was pretty obvious from the tenor of their dynamic that they were doing something they believed to be naughty.

Opening their bedroom door, I found the three of them dogpiled on one bed with my two year old daughter attempting to sit on her brother's backs and the boys wrestling. They were flustered and all mildly frustrated, and each of them looked about three minutes? away from exploding or sobbing.

Here was the first part of my experiment:

I took a deep breath.

I mean, a Really deep breath. In and out.
They stared at me.
I looked at them at length, silently but not with anger.

When I was sure I had full control over my response, I spoke.

"I accept the fact that each of you enjoy climbing all over each other and messing around doing silly things together. I accept each of you for who you are. I love you all. As you know we have a family rule about not rough-housing in this kind of way, especially not with your little sister.

So, I'll just say this to you calmly - we have a small house, without a lot of extra space. I don't have three individual bedrooms for each of you to sleep in. If you want to be able to stay together in one bedroom, as you have asked to do -- and if you want to stay in this neighborhood, then you need to respect our rules about roughhousing when you are alone together.

If I cannot depend on you to control your own behavior when you are alone, then we will have to talk about moving to a different neighborhood where we can afford to rent a larger home so that each of you can have your own bedrooms."

I said the whole thing in a very gentle, kind voice. My pace was slow. My delivery was loving.

"But I don't want to move," said our eldest. "I like this neighborhood. I like this house!"

"I don't want to sleep away from my brother and sister," cried the middle brother. "I get scared and lonely without them!"

"Well," I smiled. "The good news is that both of you get to participate in this decision, because it is your choice. If you can manage to sleep successfully in one bedroom without this kind of rough play, then we can stay here indefinitely. You can each make the choice to be here.

What you *can't* do though, is jump and climb all over each other in a dangerous way when your dad and I are sleeping. That is our rule, you need to respect it or we will have to separate you."

My boys looked at each other.

"Okay," they mumbled, moving away from each other without being asked. "We understand. What's for breakfast?"

Exhaling, I smiled again. "I'll get right to work... how about eggs and cereal?"

* * * * * * *

Hmmmmm.... I thought to myself. I wasn't expecting to start the day like that, but it wasn't too bad. We got through it, and nobody shouted or cried. It was a decent start.

As the day progressed, it turned out that I had a lot of opportunity to practice accepting events and responses I did not like.

In fact, I was honestly shocked by how many times I found myself taking a deep breath and saying, "I accept..."

Just a few examples:

• "I accept that you boys compete with each other for my attention and that you each wish that I would believe that you are the better son. I accept that you try to show this by tattling on each other, and telling me about the poor choices that your brother (whichever brother) has made. I understand why you do this and I sincerely love you both. That said, I do not like to listen to tattling or whining, and I do not find competition attractive. So I would like to politely ask both of you to change the subject so that we can talk about something else."
• "I accept that the two of you both feel that it is acceptable to yell at each other loudly in the car while I am driving. I understand that you are frustrated with each other, and that you are trying to get my attention. I accept that you choose to communicate like this, but the truth is, I just don't like it. So, if you can't stop yelling when you talk to each other - can we please have silence?" (Astoundingly, there was immediate silence.)
• "I accept that you are a child who feels comfortable asking me the same question thirty times in a row hoping that you will get a different response if you keep asking me. I realize that you do this because you are smart and determined. I need you to know that, while I accept you and love you, I am not going to change my mind about dessert tonight. You may have dessert only if you finish your dinner, and that's all there is to say."

...and so forth.

I must have taken a deep breath and said, "I accept" or "I accept you" twenty five times today.

Here is the amazing thing though. Despite how many times the kids stepped out of line in a way that would normally have catalyzed a significant reaction, there were almost NO tantrums or screaming today. No fussing. No arguing.

My acceptance stopped their arguments cold.

We had only one tantrum all day - when my younger son did not want to take his nap, and even though I said to him "I accept that you do not wish to sleep. However as your mother I can tell that you are very tired, and so I request that you at least get some rest even if you don't actually fall asleep."

That one brought out the big guns - crocodile tears galore.
He did NOT want to sleep *or* rest.

Still ~ in our home ~ an entire day from 6:00am through 9:00pm with only one set of tears is a pretty astounding thing. Almost too good to be true!

* * * * * * *

Here is the more amazing revelation:

I had SO much more energy today, all day long. As a mom, as a wife, as the resident chauffeur driving my kids across town (at least 90 minutes on the road). Even though I wasn't feeling totally well healthwise, I experienced SO much more happiness.

I didn't get tense. I didn't get upset. I didn't get frustrated. I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I didn't shake my head in dismay and wonder what I was doing so wrong as a mother.

Rather, I felt perfectly calm. Even when my son was flailing his arms about like a rabid octopus next to the wine aisle at the grocery store I found myself saying,

"I accept that you are a person who loves to sing and dance, and that you feel the need to dance wildly in the wine aisle. I love these things about you. That said, I would just like to remind you that if you accidentally knock over one of those wine bottles and break it, we will have to pay for everything you break."

The many bumps of our day flowed right over me because I just didn't absorb them. I let them pass right on by.

A few times, I definitely felt a pit of sorrow or negativity well up in me based upon the way someone was responding to me - and I accepted those feelings too. I just took more deep breaths and actively turned away from the negativity. Sooner than I would have imagined, the moments of feeling drained or sad were gone.

What I'm realizing is that I am learning a lot about my family members by accepting them. I'm not taking the time to argue against their positions or force them to see things my way. This means that I'm not rising to join in any arguments, nor am I instigating any.

Having this extra time and space around any given issue, without allowing myself to get emotionally involved in it, has already caused me to begin thinking more deeply about the unique motivations behind the actions of the people I love. I'm not busy attacking or defending so I have time to consider the source.

When our daughter had a massive diaper accident while sleeping tonight and needed a bath and clean pajamas, I noticed that my husband had a lot of advice about how to properly take care of her. Typically this might have made me feel defensive. Instead, I just smiled at him and said,

"I accept that you feel impelled to help me solve this situation by giving me advice. I believe you are doing it out of love, and I accept this part of you. I want you to know that everything is okay, and I am taking good care of our daughter."

Immediately he relaxed, smiled, and said - "Sorry, I know you don't need any advice and she'll be fine. I was just trying to help."

The funny thing is, if I'd have snapped at him rather than accepting him, it might have started some kind of superficial bickering between us. Instead, the moment passed swiftly and soon we were talking about something else.

I've had a long day. It is nearly 11pm as I type this; I woke at 6am.

That said, I feel well-rested and mentally fresh right now because I didn't sink into the emotional quicksand all around me today.

What I'm learning from this experiment so far is that when I don't try to control other people's behaviors or words, we're ALL happier... but the person who is MOST happy is me!

All these years I've been trying to control things that are actually beyond my control, I've been heading upstream (as Abraham and the Hicks would say). I never realized that I was the source of so much of my own unhappiness, just by not accepting people and events for what they really were.

They say that the people who benefit most from the U.S. Peace Corps program are the American citizens who participate as volunteers, the citizens who actually go out into the world to help others in impoverished situations. In the end, the helpers are more changed by the experience than the people whose lives they hope to improve.

I believe from what I have seen today that my experience of letting go of my Type A need to control life, and instead just accepting the people I love for who they are, is going to have a powerful long term affect upon my family.

There was almost no fighting in our home today of any kind, despite the heat and humidity and the fact that neither of my sons ended up napping. This peace between my sons is good for them - it's good for all of us.

Yet ironically the person who will apparently benefit the most from my letting go of control and instead loving unconditionally ~ is Me!

It turns out that when I love others unconditionally, I end MY day feeling peaceful and truly loved. Wow.

July 5, 2011 ~ Day 207 Can I Accept and Love That?

Obviously we've had a big week as a family: a lot of emotion and a handful of positive steps. Saturday's spontaneous Date Night with my eldest son signified a huge breakthrough for us and while things are not perfect, I really have seen a small but significant change for the better in both our relationship AND his relationship with his little brother.

All of this has given me a lot of pause for thought about the importance of unconditional love, and accepting a person for who they are.

I think for the past six years I have come at parenting from the perspective that it is up to me to guide and help mold my children into loving, responsible, respectful little people. I've given them the firm but kind discipline and tried to explain an infinite number of social conventions to them - like why we *do* hug people when they are sad, but *don't* pull down our pants in public.

In all of this time though, it never did occur to me to just accept the negative behaviors in my children. I mean, *can you* as a responsible parent just accept acts of violence? Theft? Lies?

Can you? Should you?

This is so tricky because the intuitive answer in my gut is a booming NO!!!! but then I wonder if perhaps I am wrong. Is the key to raising good human beings just to love them unconditionally, even when they evidence a terrible behavior? Is it to accept that some children are more rough than others, and some will be more kind than others, and some will be more manipulative than others?

Is it time to accept that I don't control my own children, and they may well grow up to become adults who make decisions that I don't agree with and wouldn't approve of?

Is it time to give them the freedom to find out on their own how others will respond to their less positive behaviors?

I mean, isn't that the way we learn in real life? Once we are adults? Should I just accept my kids for who they are, and then allow life to teach them in its own school of hard knocks that poor behaviors have natural consequences?

In real life, I don't try to change my friends or their actions. If a person shows insulting or violent behavior toward me or my family, I simply stop spending time with them. I choose to share my time with people who are compassionate and warm-hearted. People that have integrity.

Is 'violence doesn't pay' one of those lessons that my children are just going to have to learn the hard way?

In "real life" outside of our family, if my son ever punched another person's kid in the face, there would be major repercussions at school, with the other child's family, and among all of his friendships with the other children. He would learn pretty darn fast that nobody likes a bully. Peer pressure alone would provide a very powerful incentive to control his anger.

Is it my job to teach him this lesson? I've always thought so.
But is it? Can he actually learn that lesson from me?
Or does he need to learn it the hard way, like the rest of us did?

Do we actually learn things from our parents? Or, do we learn by watching their example?

When I really think about the example I've been setting for the past six years, what kind of message have I been sending my son through my actions and words? Have my actions said,

"I will love you no matter what, no matter what boundary you run up against,"

or, have they said something more akin to,

"My love for you is conditional - I will lavish you with love and attention if you are gentle and well behaved but when you act impulsively or violently, I will demonstrate frustration and emotional distance."

Has my love for him then been used as a carrot? An incentive for good behavior?

And if indeed I *have* been using love like that, is it any wonder that my son doesn't always try to win my love? That he doesn't always make the right choice in an attempt to win the carrot dangling in front of him on the stick?

In a way, I totally respect him for refusing to act like my dancing monkey. I'm glad that he has the strength of personality not to change or shape himself merely to win someone else's approval. I don't want him to grow up to become a pleaser, willing to change himself to meet the expectations of others.

I also think it's likely that perhaps he acts out on purpose, just to see if I will still love him even when he doesn't meet my expectations. Time and time again, I've grown so mad at him for hitting. The message this consistent anger or disappointment probably sends is that my love is artificial... untrustworthy. It tells him that I am a fair-weather friend.

So how does one do it then?

• How does one parent their children using only unconditional love?
• How does one manage to feel and convey a profound love right for their child at a moment when he or she has attacked another one of their children, right in plain view?
• How does a parent manage to protect and assure the 'victim' child, while still extending pure love and acceptance to the 'bully'?

When my eldest son was two years old and his brother was a baby, the elder brother often tried to hit and bite the baby.

"If he wants to hit, let him hit something - just not the baby," counseled his preschool teacher when we came to her in despair. "If he wants to bite, let him bite something - just not the baby."

We followed her advice... bought him a bounce up inflatable punching bag to hit... gave him a sterile cloth soaked in ice water to bite.

Four years later, these behaviors are still present ~ despite the best of our efforts. Yet, I can't help but think that maybe his preschool teacher was onto something important.

She didn't teach us how to extinguish his behavior. She simply gave us an alternate outlet for the inappropriate actions, and encouraged us to both protect the baby brother and continue loving our more aggressive son.

Isn't that a healthier and more realistic strategy than the one I've been parenting with all of this time?

My son loves to hit... isn't it time for me to simply embrace that fact? There are many positive outlets for hitting... T-ball and drumming kits to name just the first two to pop into my head. Maybe instead of fighting against the things that make him unique, it's high time I just accepted them and tried to find a way to make his proclivities work for the rest of the family.

I don't have a great, inspiring, WOW! ending to this post. Clearly I don't have many answers to all of the questions I've raised. I do think I am finally asking the right questions though.

In the end, maybe the best way for me to teach my son how to act with love is to work harder on myself and model my own improved behaviors. Show him how I am able to keep my temper under control. How I can refrain from getting frustrated with him when he makes bad choices. Show him what tolerance and grace under pressure look like. Show him the way I give love, even when others give me pain or sorrow.

All this time, I've been trying to raise *him* - but maybe in the end, it's me that needs to learn the hard lessons; me that needs to live in better harmony with my own beliefs about fairness, justice, turning the other cheek and unconditional love.