I wish so much that I could say I was teaching my children how to live more fully than I have done; how to be better people than I am. I want so much more for each of them than I've managed (so far) to discover within myself.I want my children to be excited to fly on airplanes, brave in the face of danger, happy alone in the dark. I want them to be laid back when it comes to life, without too much sensitivity. I want them to develop healthy self-esteem and to take big risks. I want them to take joy in every day and have fun!!!
There is a real difference between teaching something to a person because you know it to be important, and modeling a life lesson through your own actions and example.
This is the crux of why I was an excellent teacher yet I often make a truly mediocre mother.
As a teacher, I could empower my students with my knowledge and ideals ~ then encourage them to build on this foundation in their 'real' lives. "Don't take my word for it," I would tell my students... "Go out and find your own truth. Ask questions. Look harder. Dig deep, and find out what you actually believe in. At the end of the day, your own beliefs are all that really matter - because they will guide your decisions and actions."
It didn't matter to my seventh grade students if I myself would fly on an airplane. They weren't planning on traveling anywhere with me, their Humanities teacher. It mattered only that I encouraged them to trust that traveling the world via *any* mode of transportation is a safe, exciting, worthwhile thing to do... and that seeing other cultures and making friends around the globe could only expand their perspective and change them for the better.
Yet I am scared to fly, and my own small children have already discerned this about me. I try to mitigate the influence of this upon them, by telling them how much fun flying is and how safe airplanes actually are. I admit to them that my fears are irrational and actively tell them not to follow in my footsteps.
I am committed to buying them airplane tickets and letting them travel, but unless I actually get on an airplane and sit next to them ~ putting on a brave face and pretending that I am relaxed ~ my kids will never really feel safe traveling with me... because they are all sensitive enough to know that I am actually terrified.
This is just one example of the many ways in which my ideals do not equate with my personal limitations, setting up an imbalance between what I tell my children to be true and what they learn by watching me every day.
I tell them that the world is a safe place and then lock the car doors when we drive through the downtown area. I tell them to exercise and then sit on the couch reading a book. I know they perceive these discrepancies (they have commented on it) and I hope with all my heart that my own fears or failings will not somehow inspire my three children to be irrationally scared or similarly limited.
As a mother, I can talk until I am blue in the face about what I have learned and what I believe in... but it still won't change the fact that my children are watching my every move and learning from me by example. "Do as I say, and not as I do" does not take you very far as a parent.
I tell my children that it is important to eat healthfully and get enough sleep so that they won't end up with the myriad of health challenges I've faced in the past few years... but they still notice that I am awake after midnight eating potato chips and toast. "Mommy, what time did you go to bed last night?" my son often asks me, and when I tell him the truth he frowns. "But you said it is not healthy to stay up that late, so WHY are you doing it?"
Am I setting them up for a future of late nights and poor diet? Worse, am I setting them up for the subconscious acceptance that it's okay to believe in something but not really live according to your beliefs?
My three children are with me for the better part of every day ~ and I am not the best of myself 24 hours a day. They are eyewitness to most of my stellar moments... like when I find their missing toys, cook them a healthy dinner, read bedtime stories, fold their clean clothes, give them hugs and cuddles and help them with their little projects.
Unfortunately they also see me in all of my worst moments... like when I stress out for hours about having company coming over for dinner and tell them forty times in an afternoon that "Mommy can't play right now because she is (a)cooking, (b)cleaning, (c)too busy, (d)really worried that dinner isn't going to be ready on time." That happened a lot yesterday and I still feel very badly about it.
I think a lot about the lyrics from Harry Chapin's song, "Cat's In The Cradle" about the boy who turns out just like his absentee father:
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you
Will my children end up just like me, despite all of my hopes for them?
My father - rest his much beloved soul - was the most paranoid and worried person I have ever met, with tendencies that a psychologist later told me were borderline OCD. I didn't know anything about OCD as a child but I did know that his overly protective behavior drove me absolutely batty and I swore I would never be like that with my own kids.
Fast forward twenty, thirty years and here I am - a mother who worries way too much. I don't know how this happened. Is it a simple case of genetics? Does my DNA predispose me to worrying about my children 24/7 as my father worried about me? Is it ancestral guilt?
I don't want my own kids to turn out like me. They are so precious and so innocent. I don't want them to worry or live in a state of anxiety. I want them to have the best of life, and it bums me out that already they have learned a lot of things about life by watching me that probably aren't to their benefit.
As we've established in a prior article, my children have (most unfortunately) learned about profanity from my poor example. At various times during their childhood they have also seen me weep, shout, grow frustrated, and respond helplessly to major events like my own hospitalization and subsequent illnesses.
I hope they have also learned some positive things from me... like how to be honest, loyal and compassionate... and how to love people fully with a totally open heart. I hope they have learned from me how to treat all human beings with respect; and how to refrain from judging others.
Yet even typing those words I have to ask myself in all honesty - do I inadvertently teach my children to judge themselves harshly? This would be ironic because I do not ever judge anyone but myself; but I am a pretty merciless judge/critic of my own character and efforts.
One of my best friends often reminds me of the Mahatma Gandhi quote: "Be the change you wish to see in the world".
I guess if I don't want my children to turn out like me I have to try even harder ~ starting right now ~ to let go of the traits that I deplore the most within myself. I need to banish my own fear, let go of my own regrets, toss out my own sorrow and feelings of failure as a mother.
I need to love myself more, and forgive myself more for not being perfect - so that my own children will learn by my example how to love themselves.
If I wish for my children to be peaceful, I need to practice peace.
If I wish for my children to be loving, I need to give love.
If I wish for my children to take life lightly, I need to laugh at my own mistakes.
If I wish for my children to become kind friends and neighbors, I need to show them what that looks like.
Finally and most importantly, if I wish for my children to become good spouses and parents, I need to work even harder to be a devoted and connected wife and mother.
It's a very tall order and the stakes are high. When could be a better time though, to show my children how to LIVE? The whole point of this 365 blog is to leave my three darling kids a lasting message about the meaning of life. Life is happening today, at this very moment, all around us.
If I want my own babies to become the kind of adults that suck the marrow out of life and waste no time or opportunities, I suppose I'd better get busy setting them a powerful example.
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