June 1, 2011 ~ Day 173 That Nagging, Sinking Feeling

Do you ever get the sense that you've done something wrong, but you aren't quite sure what it is? Like maybe you've said too much (or not enough)... but you can't quite put your finger on who you may have been talking to when you overstepped?

Do you ever have the lingering suspicion that you've dropped the ball - but you don't quite know how?

I woke up feeling like that this morning, overwhelmed with a sense that I've screwed up yet not able to pinpoint what I've done. I've been wracking through my brain all morning to try to figure out what the source may be of my discomfort.

Lately I've begun to recognize that when I'm feeling uncomfortable it is because somehow I am out of alignment with my dreams, goals, or self-expectations. I feel out of whack when some part of me knows that I've gone against my personal values, or that I've conducted myself in a way that I am not comfortable with.

The wretched part is the uncertainty about WHAT I've done to bring on the feeling.

Once I eventually discover where my mistake lives, the way to remedy the feeling is typically for me to apologize (if I've wronged a friend, family member or acquaintance in any way) and to try and make amends if there is anything I can actually DO to rectify my bad choice or poor choice of words.

Or, if I've done something that is not possible to fix - the remedy is to work on forgiving myself and resolving to learn from my mistake so that it does not happen again.

I'm still trying to figure out at what point in the last few days I started feeling this sense of failure, as though I had let someone down. Quite possibly it could have been on Monday night when I realized that we'd dipped into our savings again at the end of the month and I was up half the night worrying about how my husband would react.

However, he was actually really great about the whole thing - AND he is super excited about the money that I have begun to earn from my tutoring work. So, the tight budget didn't turn out to be the big problem that I'd worried over.

Could it be the 20 or so emails I've received from my son's school in the last two days asking for a volunteer to man their class booth at next week's carnival? I know I can't volunteer because you aren't allowed to bring additional children and I will have all 3 of mine in tow that day. Not to mention, next Wednesday is my daughter's 2nd birthday.

Even though I have good reasons for not volunteering, I still feel guilty every single time another volunteer request pops up in my email inbox. Finally I wrote to the class mother and just explained our situation... and she responded that she herself would not be able to work that day either and that I shouldn't worry about it.

So, I stopped worrying. And that can't be the root of my discomfort either.

With money and volunteering crossed off the anxiety list then, I've been scanning through the rest of the events of my yesterday.

The morning actually went really well! Especially considering the fact that I was working on almost no sleep! I'd managed to awaken on time, get my kids pressed-dressed-fed and to school on time, and meet with a really dear friend for breakfast. My daughter and I had so much fun! We left feeling very happy and relaxed ~ and even arrived early to pick up my son from preschool. So, scratch the morning. That could not have been the root of this pit in the bottom of my stomach feeling.

My first tutoring visit yesterday afternoon was sort of a "meet and greet" session, coupled with discussion of our future plans. I really liked the student, and of course they had a lovely home and were very kind to me. That said, I did leave the appointment wondering whether or not I had made a decent impression. When she walked me out the mother said, "Why don't we just pay as we go?" - which was fine - but a little different in tone from the great enthusiasm she'd previously evidenced on the telephone when she'd planned to have her daughter meet with me three times per week.

"I wonder if I wasn't what they'd expected?" I thought as I drove away. "Wow, I really hope they weren't disappointed."

It felt a little bit like a first date where you've put your best foot forward and then been dropped off with a smile and the words, "I'll be in touch" - which never really bodes well for the future. In my experience, if the person you're dating is excited about seeing you again they go out of their way to set up another meeting asap so that you won't slip through their fingertips.

That said, sometimes "I'll call you" really means "I'll call you". So, I won't really know how the tutoring session went until I hear back from the family, if I ever do.

Not knowing what I might have said or done inappropriately in our two hour meeting caused the critical voice in my head to get started, and even though I was listening to a Law of Attraction CD in the car as I drove... it was awfully hard to tune out the sound of my own self-criticism and insecurity.

Maybe I shouldn't have shared the story about that English teacher I had in high school...
I think I talked too quickly. Why can't I ever shut up? Why do I talk so much?
Is it possible that I gave too much instruction too soon? Gosh, I wasn't really sure what they were looking for.
Actually, I'm not sure that *they* knew exactly what they were looking for from me!
Hmmmm... that's too bad. I really liked the student and thought I could help her.

And so forth.

Yet, just one hour later I tutored another student who I've been working with for three weeks and his family surprised me with the wonderful news that he had scored 110% (an A+!!!) on the recent vocabulary test I'd helped him to study for. "His confidence is so much improved since he started working with you," his mother confided. "We would like for him to continue meeting with you all throughout the Summer and Fall."

So, that's good news! It sort of works to negate or at least balance out any weirdness that may (or may not) have arisen in my first session of the afternoon.

That first tutoring situation may or may not turn out to be the underlying root of my discomfort. For all I know I could be experiencing residual fear over my health, stress over the house not being clean enough, or simply my chronic sense that I could be a better mother.

In the end, I'm not sure how much it matters to dissect and diagnose the underlying problem.

I think what truly matters from here on out will be positive, proactive, forward motion. Looking back may well be a waste of time and energy, unless there is a clear way to fix potential messes I've made.

Ultimately, it's more practical to simply re-wash the load of laundry you've accidentally forgotten in the washer overnight... than to weep bitter tears over how you foolishly forgot to switch it to the dryer.

Besides, negative self-talk never got a girl anywhere :-) It's time to turn that frown upside down and focus on the things I've done well.

February 23, 2011 ~ Day 76 Ten For Every One

This isn't a good moment for me. I'm sitting alone in my bedroom, supposedly getting "a break" from the kids for a few minutes while my husband reads them a bedtime story but the walls of our new house are paper thin and I can hear every word in stereo:

"Where the orange thingy is, that is where the comet hit the Earth, daddy."

"Oh, you think so? I don't know about that..."

"One more page and then it's bedtime?"

"No, it's bedtime now. Do you have your drink?"

"I don't know where it is!!!"

A considerable amount of whining is bleeding through the wall and all I can do is look around and feel a momentary angst noticing all of the boxes which must still be unpacked, the bins of clothing that must be put away or washed and folded; essentially, the mess.

I am feeling really frustrated with myself for not being able to hold things together better. Ten years ago I felt so confident and capable, able to multitask with the best of them and juggle my career, life, home and health... even the fun of dating and having a full social calendar.

I don't really know what has happened! Somehow I had three children in five years and everything fell apart. I seem now to be able to take care of only one major thing each day while putting them through their daily paces. Between making breakfast, packing lunches, bathing and dressing three kids... and then taking them to two separate schools, I awaken at 6:30 but don't have a moment to breathe before 9:15. Then I have three hours to take care of my one major task before beginning the afternoon cycle of school pickups, afterschool snacks, homework, playtime, cooking dinner, doing laundry, bathing all three of them again and dealing with the bedtime routine.

I'm so sorry for whining, I can hear it in my tone and it makes me feel quite ashamed. I am not actually complaining about the work load - I adore my job, I adore my children. I am actually just frustrated with myself for not being more capable, more organized, more... ideal.

Today was a writing day. I write content for my husband's company to pay for my son's preschool and thanks to our recent move I am really behind this month in my work, I have to complete all of it in the next three days. So during my three hour morning window I wrote content with an ardent focus, ignoring the dirty dishes in the sink and all of the boxes left to unpack. I wrote content while my younger children played in the back yard after preschool and then again when my eldest was napping after kindergarten. I wrote content with kids screaming at my feet, pulling on my hair and needing multiple diaper changes.

The result is that I researched and wrote four articles today but now my house is a disaster area and it is 9pm. If a friend dropped by our home unannounced right now I would be beyond mortified by the mess.

Every day seems to have a theme to fill the handful of hours I have to accomplish anything and I haven't found a day yet since we moved whose theme is "Putting ME Back Into Balance". Tomorrow will be a rainy Saturday trapped in the house unless we brave the thunderstorm so the theme will likely be KIDS, GRUMPY KIDS. On Sunday and Monday I once again need to be writing content for my husband. Tuesday will bring cleaning day, wherein we have a housecleaner come and she and I work side by side from 9 until 2 cleaning this house. (And yes, it does take two adults five hours at a minimum to mitigate the havoc my children are capable of wreaking in a week.)

So facing all of this down and feeling as incompetent as I do, it's time to invoke my sister's sterling rule: Ten For Every One.

I don't know if my sister made this up or if she got it from somewhere else but essentially the idea is that for every one negative thought you catch yourself having you need to come up with ten positive thoughts. The point is not just to be a Pollyanna. The point is actually to retrain your brain not to jump for the negative.

It's clear that I've already hit my one negative for the night... in all honesty, I've probably got two hundred positive things to think of to balance out the negative and frustrated thoughts I've had this evening. I'm going to cut myself a break on that though, at least for now.

Instead I am going to lay out the one main negative and then come up with ten positives, just like my sister recommends. At the least, it will be a step in the right direction.

NEGATIVE: I feel like a failure, again.

POSITIVES:

1. We have a warm safe house to sleep in tonight.
2. My son has earned a "good work" card from his teacher every day since he started the new school last week.
3. My daughter has taught herself how to sing and is now singing and dancing along to the theme music from Caillou.
4. My mother and I had a great bonding experience last night.
5. I've been getting more and better quality sleep since we moved to the new house.
6. MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! My dear friend has been declared cancer-free and can now heal from surgery and move on with her life!!! This is the really crucial one.
7. My husband rode his bike to work and back today and was not struck by a vehicle (one of my worst fears). He had fun.
8. I'm more than halfway to my goal of completing all of my writing work for the month.
9. My younger son and I met the mother of one of his preschool classmates (and her son) today at kindergarten pickup today, a nice lady with two boys who moved here recently from Cleveland. She seemed friendly and like a really good mother.
10. As alone as I feel, I know I have so many dear friends I could turn to who would be there for me in a pinch. I am blessed by my friendships.

So there you have it - my Ten vs. my One. I have to admit that writing all of that out really did help to put things in perspective a little bit better, especially when it got to the part about my dear friend's healing. That really matters so much more than anything else... a thousand times as much.

I am still feeling exhausted and grumpy, let down by my day and most of all let down by myself. Yet, I think I have located my motivation to make things better? So I will head off now to fold some laundry, tidy this bedroom and remind myself that tomorrow is another day - completely fresh with no mistakes and no failures yet.

Even in this temporary blue funk I do realize that there is really nothing better or more hopeful than the gift of a brand new, clean day where anything is possible.