Do you ever have the lingering suspicion that you've dropped the ball - but you don't quite know how?
I woke up feeling like that this morning, overwhelmed with a sense that I've screwed up yet not able to pinpoint what I've done. I've been wracking through my brain all morning to try to figure out what the source may be of my discomfort.
Lately I've begun to recognize that when I'm feeling uncomfortable it is because somehow I am out of alignment with my dreams, goals, or self-expectations. I feel out of whack when some part of me knows that I've gone against my personal values, or that I've conducted myself in a way that I am not comfortable with.
The wretched part is the uncertainty about WHAT I've done to bring on the feeling.
Once I eventually discover where my mistake lives, the way to remedy the feeling is typically for me to apologize (if I've wronged a friend, family member or acquaintance in any way) and to try and make amends if there is anything I can actually DO to rectify my bad choice or poor choice of words.
Or, if I've done something that is not possible to fix - the remedy is to work on forgiving myself and resolving to learn from my mistake so that it does not happen again.
I'm still trying to figure out at what point in the last few days I started feeling this sense of failure, as though I had let someone down. Quite possibly it could have been on Monday night when I realized that we'd dipped into our savings again at the end of the month and I was up half the night worrying about how my husband would react.
However, he was actually really great about the whole thing - AND he is super excited about the money that I have begun to earn from my tutoring work. So, the tight budget didn't turn out to be the big problem that I'd worried over.
Could it be the 20 or so emails I've received from my son's school in the last two days asking for a volunteer to man their class booth at next week's carnival? I know I can't volunteer because you aren't allowed to bring additional children and I will have all 3 of mine in tow that day. Not to mention, next Wednesday is my daughter's 2nd birthday.
Even though I have good reasons for not volunteering, I still feel guilty every single time another volunteer request pops up in my email inbox. Finally I wrote to the class mother and just explained our situation... and she responded that she herself would not be able to work that day either and that I shouldn't worry about it.
So, I stopped worrying. And that can't be the root of my discomfort either.
With money and volunteering crossed off the anxiety list then, I've been scanning through the rest of the events of my yesterday.
The morning actually went really well! Especially considering the fact that I was working on almost no sleep! I'd managed to awaken on time, get my kids pressed-dressed-fed and to school on time, and meet with a really dear friend for breakfast. My daughter and I had so much fun! We left feeling very happy and relaxed ~ and even arrived early to pick up my son from preschool. So, scratch the morning. That could not have been the root of this pit in the bottom of my stomach feeling.
My first tutoring visit yesterday afternoon was sort of a "meet and greet" session, coupled with discussion of our future plans. I really liked the student, and of course they had a lovely home and were very kind to me. That said, I did leave the appointment wondering whether or not I had made a decent impression. When she walked me out the mother said, "Why don't we just pay as we go?" - which was fine - but a little different in tone from the great enthusiasm she'd previously evidenced on the telephone when she'd planned to have her daughter meet with me three times per week.
"I wonder if I wasn't what they'd expected?" I thought as I drove away. "Wow, I really hope they weren't disappointed."
It felt a little bit like a first date where you've put your best foot forward and then been dropped off with a smile and the words, "I'll be in touch" - which never really bodes well for the future. In my experience, if the person you're dating is excited about seeing you again they go out of their way to set up another meeting asap so that you won't slip through their fingertips.
That said, sometimes "I'll call you" really means "I'll call you". So, I won't really know how the tutoring session went until I hear back from the family, if I ever do.
Not knowing what I might have said or done inappropriately in our two hour meeting caused the critical voice in my head to get started, and even though I was listening to a Law of Attraction CD in the car as I drove... it was awfully hard to tune out the sound of my own self-criticism and insecurity.
Maybe I shouldn't have shared the story about that English teacher I had in high school...
I think I talked too quickly. Why can't I ever shut up? Why do I talk so much?
Is it possible that I gave too much instruction too soon? Gosh, I wasn't really sure what they were looking for.
Actually, I'm not sure that *they* knew exactly what they were looking for from me!
Hmmmm... that's too bad. I really liked the student and thought I could help her.
And so forth.
Yet, just one hour later I tutored another student who I've been working with for three weeks and his family surprised me with the wonderful news that he had scored 110% (an A+!!!) on the recent vocabulary test I'd helped him to study for. "His confidence is so much improved since he started working with you," his mother confided. "We would like for him to continue meeting with you all throughout the Summer and Fall."
So, that's good news! It sort of works to negate or at least balance out any weirdness that may (or may not) have arisen in my first session of the afternoon.
That first tutoring situation may or may not turn out to be the underlying root of my discomfort. For all I know I could be experiencing residual fear over my health, stress over the house not being clean enough, or simply my chronic sense that I could be a better mother.
In the end, I'm not sure how much it matters to dissect and diagnose the underlying problem.
I think what truly matters from here on out will be positive, proactive, forward motion. Looking back may well be a waste of time and energy, unless there is a clear way to fix potential messes I've made.
Ultimately, it's more practical to simply re-wash the load of laundry you've accidentally forgotten in the washer overnight... than to weep bitter tears over how you foolishly forgot to switch it to the dryer.
Besides, negative self-talk never got a girl anywhere :-) It's time to turn that frown upside down and focus on the things I've done well.
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