This isn't a good moment for me. I'm sitting alone in my bedroom, supposedly getting "a break" from the kids for a few minutes while my husband reads them a bedtime story but the walls of our new house are paper thin and I can hear every word in stereo:
"Where the orange thingy is, that is where the comet hit the Earth, daddy."
"Oh, you think so? I don't know about that..."
"One more page and then it's bedtime?"
"No, it's bedtime now. Do you have your drink?"
"I don't know where it is!!!"
A considerable amount of whining is bleeding through the wall and all I can do is look around and feel a momentary angst noticing all of the boxes which must still be unpacked, the bins of clothing that must be put away or washed and folded; essentially, the mess.
I am feeling really frustrated with myself for not being able to hold things together better. Ten years ago I felt so confident and capable, able to multitask with the best of them and juggle my career, life, home and health... even the fun of dating and having a full social calendar.
I don't really know what has happened! Somehow I had three children in five years and everything fell apart. I seem now to be able to take care of only one major thing each day while putting them through their daily paces. Between making breakfast, packing lunches, bathing and dressing three kids... and then taking them to two separate schools, I awaken at 6:30 but don't have a moment to breathe before 9:15. Then I have three hours to take care of my one major task before beginning the afternoon cycle of school pickups, afterschool snacks, homework, playtime, cooking dinner, doing laundry, bathing all three of them again and dealing with the bedtime routine.
I'm so sorry for whining, I can hear it in my tone and it makes me feel quite ashamed. I am not actually complaining about the work load - I adore my job, I adore my children. I am actually just frustrated with myself for not being more capable, more organized, more... ideal.
Today was a writing day. I write content for my husband's company to pay for my son's preschool and thanks to our recent move I am really behind this month in my work, I have to complete all of it in the next three days. So during my three hour morning window I wrote content with an ardent focus, ignoring the dirty dishes in the sink and all of the boxes left to unpack. I wrote content while my younger children played in the back yard after preschool and then again when my eldest was napping after kindergarten. I wrote content with kids screaming at my feet, pulling on my hair and needing multiple diaper changes.
The result is that I researched and wrote four articles today but now my house is a disaster area and it is 9pm. If a friend dropped by our home unannounced right now I would be beyond mortified by the mess.
Every day seems to have a theme to fill the handful of hours I have to accomplish anything and I haven't found a day yet since we moved whose theme is "Putting ME Back Into Balance". Tomorrow will be a rainy Saturday trapped in the house unless we brave the thunderstorm so the theme will likely be KIDS, GRUMPY KIDS. On Sunday and Monday I once again need to be writing content for my husband. Tuesday will bring cleaning day, wherein we have a housecleaner come and she and I work side by side from 9 until 2 cleaning this house. (And yes, it does take two adults five hours at a minimum to mitigate the havoc my children are capable of wreaking in a week.)
So facing all of this down and feeling as incompetent as I do, it's time to invoke my sister's sterling rule: Ten For Every One.
I don't know if my sister made this up or if she got it from somewhere else but essentially the idea is that for every one negative thought you catch yourself having you need to come up with ten positive thoughts. The point is not just to be a Pollyanna. The point is actually to retrain your brain not to jump for the negative.
It's clear that I've already hit my one negative for the night... in all honesty, I've probably got two hundred positive things to think of to balance out the negative and frustrated thoughts I've had this evening. I'm going to cut myself a break on that though, at least for now.
Instead I am going to lay out the one main negative and then come up with ten positives, just like my sister recommends. At the least, it will be a step in the right direction.
NEGATIVE: I feel like a failure, again.
POSITIVES:
1. We have a warm safe house to sleep in tonight.
2. My son has earned a "good work" card from his teacher every day since he started the new school last week.
3. My daughter has taught herself how to sing and is now singing and dancing along to the theme music from Caillou.
4. My mother and I had a great bonding experience last night.
5. I've been getting more and better quality sleep since we moved to the new house.
6. MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! My dear friend has been declared cancer-free and can now heal from surgery and move on with her life!!! This is the really crucial one.
7. My husband rode his bike to work and back today and was not struck by a vehicle (one of my worst fears). He had fun.
8. I'm more than halfway to my goal of completing all of my writing work for the month.
9. My younger son and I met the mother of one of his preschool classmates (and her son) today at kindergarten pickup today, a nice lady with two boys who moved here recently from Cleveland. She seemed friendly and like a really good mother.
10. As alone as I feel, I know I have so many dear friends I could turn to who would be there for me in a pinch. I am blessed by my friendships.
So there you have it - my Ten vs. my One. I have to admit that writing all of that out really did help to put things in perspective a little bit better, especially when it got to the part about my dear friend's healing. That really matters so much more than anything else... a thousand times as much.
I am still feeling exhausted and grumpy, let down by my day and most of all let down by myself. Yet, I think I have located my motivation to make things better? So I will head off now to fold some laundry, tidy this bedroom and remind myself that tomorrow is another day - completely fresh with no mistakes and no failures yet.
Even in this temporary blue funk I do realize that there is really nothing better or more hopeful than the gift of a brand new, clean day where anything is possible.
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