January 19, 2011 ~ Day 41Cold Feet

About an hour ago I was sitting in the dreary grey afternoon watching my three children run like crazy around a grass field. For the most part, they looked pretty happy. The oldest one, whom we sometimes affectionately refer to as Mr. Moody, was elated that we were going to the park UNTIL we got to the park and he saw all of the children there. Then he reverted into negativity (Nobody is going to play with me, Nobody likes me, I want to go home) mainly due to shyness. Even he, however, ran around the grass like nuts. Sometimes it just feels good to run.

We've just made a big commitment to move to this new neighborhood, the neighborhood surrounding this aforementioned grass field and playgym. I submitted the rental application this morning and we are set to give them a deposit tomorrow. There are so many solid reasons to make this move, I should be thrilled right now.

Instead, I'm feeling anxious.

Is it the grey weather? Maybe.

I think it's more than that, though. As I looked around that same park, I didn't see a single mother that I thought "Hey, maybe we could be friends". The handful of mommies there were fashionable and well-coiffed, with professionally styled hair-dos, makeup and jewelry. They wore fancy sandals. There I was with my scuffed leather boots, blue jeans and flowered thermal shirt - sweating and thinking, "Where am I? Who ARE these people?" Like a three year old, I was overcome with the "I want to go home" feeling.

Except, this will BE our new home - at least for the next year.

Maybe I should get back to our reasons, then, for moving. I feel the need to justify the move, probably because the telephone just rang while I was with the news that our application was accepted and the house is ours for the taking. I should be thrilled and I was, temporarily, before my husband started to stress about how hard it is to move and the best way to give notice to our current landlords. Now I'm back to feeling blue and anxious.

What are we doing? Why are we doing this?

Here are the reasons:

• My husband really wants to buy a house, but with a family of five living on his single income, it is hard to save money at the end of each month toward a deposit. We rarely have anything left over. This new house will be almost $400 cheaper per month than what we currently pay. For the first time since having children, we will be able to save.


• We thought the schools in our community were the very best in the city until I started to volunteer and teach in them. As I began to talk with other parents and teachers, I quickly realized that test scores are high here due to parents and not thanks to the quality of the schools themselves. I want my kids to get a great education and to have access to the many charter and bilingual schools in the larger city district


• We chose our new neighborhood because it houses the best elementary school in the larger school district. I know this not just by reputation, I have seen it with my own eyes - both as a volunteer and also when touring the school last week. I guess that will sound confusing to anyone reading this blog who doesn't know us personally, or our town. Basically we live in a city just outside of a big city. We are leaving the little city to head back into the big city and its larger district.


• $850,000 in our current town will buy you a falling down tiny house (probably 1000 sq ft or less) with no yard or land to expand on. $850,000 in the new neighborhood will buy you a much bigger house with up to 8,000 sq feet of property. And yes, I know that $850,000 is an ungodly large sum of money no matter how you look at it. Unfortunately, that's the way it goes in our state.


• The kids will be able to keep riding their bikes to school. The new neighborhood has a main street and is strollerable


• We will still be only blocks from the ocean.


• The new neighborhood is more ethnically diverse (believe it or not!) with a high population of Latino and Asian students in addition to Caucasians like us. I'm guessing the African-American population is about the same as it is here... but you never know. When I went on the school tour one of the daddies in my group was a distinguished professional black man who teaches at the local university.


• We'll be able to walk everywhere (just like we can now) - bank, post office, homemade bread shop, bakeries, ice cream parlors, tons of restaurants, the beach. There are three local parks.


• I am very excited that we will be living in close proximity to the major university in our city. I would really like to take more classes there at night through their extension program. I am excited to know that when my children get to the local public high school, they too will be eligible to take classes through that same local university


• My husband and I both lived in this new neighborhood for years when we were first out of college - before we knew each other - and we each loved it at the time. I actually lived in the same house there for five years 1999 - 2004 until my husband whisked me off my feet and half a city away, into the more urban and arty downtown area. Had I not met him, I'm sure I would never have left.


• It is a good time for us to make a move. My son's best friend just moved to Australia weeks ago and he is desperately sad and missing her every day. He is hoping to make a fresh start and meet friends, which has proven difficult to do at his current school. He is hopeful that with a new school will come new opportunities.

There are more reasons, but I think I've justified enough... typing it all out helps to remind me why we are taking the plunge.

Like a kindergartner though, I am still scared that I won't make new friends... that I'll stick out like a sore thumb among French manicures. I've been lonely and isolated in neighborhoods before, and I don't know how long it will take for us to adapt to the new environment. I also have some big fears. Here they are:


BIG FEARS OF AN OPTIMISTIC MIDDLE CLASS CAUCASIAN AMERICAN STAY-AT-HOME MOM WHEN MOVING

• MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN WILL HATE THE NEW NEIGHBORHOOD AND BLAME ME FOR MOVING THEM THERE.


• MY SONS WILL BE OSTRACIZED AT SCHOOL, ESPECIALLY THE SHY ONE. AS AN ADULT HE WILL TAKE TO DRINK TO EASE THE PAIN OF HIS LONELINESS....


• OUR NEW NEIGHBORS WILL SHUN US.


• WE WILL BE TERRIBLY HOMESICK FOR OUR OLD HOUSE AND FRIENDS.


• WE WILL BECOME SAD AND FRUSTRATED, CAUSING THE 5 OF US TO TURN UPON EACH OTHER AND BICKER ENDLESSLY.


• MY CHILDREN WILL SPEAK OF THIS MOVE IN THERAPY SOMEDAY AS THE EXACT POINT AT WHICH THEIR RESPECTIVE LIVES BEGAN THE TREACHEROUS DESCENT INTO INFAMY AND DESOLATION.


• IT WILL ALL BE MY FAULT.

To which, I have an elegantly simple solution:

We can always move back if we don't like it.

Sometimes to win big, you have to risk big. I hope by maintaining genuine enthusiasm and joy about our upcoming change, I will manage to infuse my kids with delight and excitement over life's many surprises and adventures. We've got every reason to be optimistic and to jump right over our fears. My mom always says there are no wrong choices in life, every decision just gives you more information about what you *do* or *don't* want.

The new place is truly wonderful and we are so lucky to have found it. Maybe if we take our shoes off and dance together in our new clover-filled back yard, my feet will begin to thaw.



Photo by bonitajamaica.com