My husband just asked as we were getting off of the telephone if I could cook some rice to go along with the dinner I had already prepared, in a certain way that he really likes with a hint of saffron and some sea salt and other spices.
"I know you can't eat rice," he remembered, "But would you mind making it for me? I really love it like that."
After a long day with the kids, I'm fading fast right now. If I were a drinker, this would be my time of day for a glass of wine for sure. There have been any number of tantrums and meltdowns this afternoon - thankfully none of them by me... hahaha!
When he asked me for that one tiny favor some part of me did rise up in rebellion against doing just ONE more thing in a long, long line of things I've been asked to do today - most of which were not very satisfying or joyous.
Some part of me longed to say, "If you want rice, you know how to boil water honey!" ~ having nothing whatsoever to do with his request, which was sweet and totally fair... but more as my own rebellion from a life of constant, unending service.
Then I had a moment to take a deep breath and think about what he was asking - such a small, insignificant thing to ask, and how much pleasure it would bring to him to receive that small blessing of rice.
"Of course, I'd love to make it for you," I responded, then hung up the telephone and went to get out a pot to boil water.
As I've been puttering around the kitchen since then, I've been thinking about something my mother taught me by example a long time ago.
When it doesn't feel right, simply say "No" as graciously as you can. But if you're going to give, give generously and without resentment.
My mother is amazing at this, and probably the most generous person I have ever met. She gives constantly - not just to me and my siblings, but to everyone she knows. For Mom, giving is more than simply an act of love - it is something that brings her tremendous happiness.
That said, there are still many times when Mom says no. She is far from a pushover and over the years she has grown comfortable letting people know, kindly, when the favor they've asked pushes beyond her personal limits.
She's even good at saying no to me! Which is impressive, considering that I am her youngest child and the 'baby' of the family.
If Mom has agreed to do something though, she dives into whatever it is with gusto and a great attitude. There is no such thing as resentment for her. I watch her with great pride and a little amazement. She is such an energetic, kind woman. There is no such thing as a guilt trip with her, ever.
When my mother comes to our house to drop off groceries or a sweater one of the kids left at her house, she inevitably worms her way into the kitchen and tackles all the stacks of dirty dishes in our sink. It blows my mind to see her throw on an apron and grab a sponge, wading through the muck of someone else's crusty plates - just to be kind.
With three kids underfoot, as much as I'd love to stave her off and even though I feel guilty about accepting, we're NOT complaining. Any little bit of extra help is so deeply appreciated.
Over the years there have been a few times when I've needed to borrow money from my mother and pay her back. This happened recently when we moved and I needed to pay double the school deposit and double the tuition for the same month of my son's preschool, since he was switching schools mid-year. With moving expenses, this looked like it might spell the end of preschool for a while... and I was very worried.
Without being asked, my mother offered to front us the money and said we could pay her back when my husband received his paycheck. So thoughtful!
I paid her back three weeks later and again expressed our incredible gratitude for her temporary loan, which I know does not come easily on her fixed retirement income. Not one time in the entire situation from start to finish did my mother ever, for a second, make me feel guilty or badly for having to borrow money from her. She gave to us generously, entirely without resentment.
I hope to become more like my mother! It is incredible to watch someone fully and generously let go of all personal expectations and frustrations which could so easily arise from situations where she's been asked to give something that *might* feel like too much. I pray that someday I too will be able to let go as instantly and profoundly as Mom does, completely unconcerned about whether or not anyone appreciates whatever kind thing I've done or reciprocates the kindness.
I'm still working on learning how to do this. Some days come more easily than others. Quite honestly, it's a 'fake it 'til you make it' type situation in my case.
For now, the best thing I've found to do in the moment, right when I'm being asked (or impelled) to give something, is to take a deep breath. Ask myself whether I'm truly comfortable with the request. Sometimes, it means forgiving myself for needing to say, "I'm sorry - I can't do that tonight," when my children ask for a third or fourth bedtime story... or admitting that I'm too tired at night to wash and fold another load of laundry.
Yet it also means responding, "Sure, I'd be glad to make you a different dinner honey," if my husband has a special craving and I honestly *don't* mind cooking something special just for him. Then, once I've committed to the gift - relaxing into the preparation process with an open heart and no expectation of further gratitude... no inner resentment building, just true pleasure in giving a gift to someone precious to me, as though the idea had been mine in the first place.
After all... gifts of love that spring from a genuine impulse (given willingly without expectations or strings attached) can only bless everyone.
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