There are some days as a mother when I find myself having to pretend that I'm a lot happier or more put together than I actually am. I think of these as the "Fake it 'til you make it" days - and today was one of them.
I woke exhausted this morning, feeling like I'd slept for less than an hour. Yet knowing that this was a work day (writing content) and that I had three hungry children waiting for their full morning routine, I forced myself to get out of bed anyway. I found myself singing to the kids in the bathtub even though I didn't remotely have a song in my heart. I talked with them cheerily about their teachers and school, their hopes for the day ahead, the coming weekend.
Yet while I went through the motions of our normal morning with them, I felt completely distant and unplugged... as though I was watching the interactions on television. I smiled at my children and thought to myself, "I love you, I really do... so why don't I *feel* love right now? Why don't I *feel* anything?"
The answer is pretty simple: Exhaustion. Possibly mixed with side-effects from the antibiotic I am currently taking. But more than anything, exhaustion.
On days like today, I have to actively remind myself to notice the beauty of the weather - the beauty of my children - the beauty of the world around us. If I don't force myself to see it, I might waste an entire day in vague blindness. I don't want to miss a second of my life. It sucks though to feel so remove emotionally from the content of the day.
I took my children to the park this afternoon after picking my son up from school and watched them play for an hour on the playgyms and swings... playing with them in the sandbox and helping them with the monkey bars. They were elated - laughing and running, spreading their arms wide in the air. They made fire truck noises on the large wooden fire truck and created large muddy 'sand pies' for me to eat in the play house.
My son and daughter were fully connected at that moment - completely plugged into their lives. There was no part of either of them that wasn't engaged in appreciating the day around them ~ in all of its messy, sandy, sweaty glory.
Yet there I was, three feet away from them - feeling as though I might as well have been watching a home movie. I felt a Universe away from my sweet babies.
I thought back to a summer ten years ago when I used to frequent that same park with my creative writing classes. I would bring groups of students every day from our classroom space to the park where they could eat lunch together and run around, getting their energy out, before we headed back the classroom to do more writing.
How vividly I recall watching young mothers at the park with their small children in those days, back when I was twenty-five years old and still hoping that someday I would find a true love of my own... have a family of my own.
I remember watching those women with awe and envy, wondering how one actually went from 'single schoolteacher' to 'married mother' ~ as though this was some vast leap through a space-time continuum with a trajectory unknowable to those on the outside.
Little did I imagine (although I hoped! How I hoped!) that ten years later I would be back at this same park with my own small children, watching them run and frolic together while I stood in the warm sunshine with my arms folded at my waist.
How is it possible, I wonder, that I can have everything I ever wanted and yet feel so far away from it? How is it possible that I have to force myself to focus on those beautiful little beings, not to take my eyes off of them for a second... and to fight strongly against the strong primal urge to lay down and take a nap?
I want to be PART of my life, and on the days when I am well rested and happy it is so EASY to connect with my children. So easy to 'plug in' to their vast energy and enthusiasm.
I never imagined that motherhood would be this tiring, or that there would be so many days when in order to truly pay attention to my own kids, I would have to dig so deep inside myself to find that extra bit of patience... that extra thread of sympathy.
Despite all of this, it seems so important to push on and keep on pretending to feel things until I actually feel them. My children DO deserve a mother that is really listening to them; they DO deserve a mother who smiles at them and watches them carefully while they play. They DO deserve to have someone loving them 100% - on good days and bad days. They need a mother who WILL take time to read through their stories, laugh at their jokes, hug them when they're having a bad day ~ no matter how my own day is going.
Whether today's temporary apathy stems from exhaustion, stress or a medication side-effect, my kids deserve parents that are 100% all the time. Well, maybe 99.9% would do.
I'm probably not the only mother who has to paste a smile on her face at times and dig in her heels to make the day a success - when all she really want to do is check into a hotel and sleep for a week.
In the end though, I'm glad I was able to at least make a real effort today. The great thing about faking it until you make it... is that at some point if you try hard enough, you DO make it. I had to fake happiness and energy today for a few hours, but tomorrow after a good night of sleep I may actually FEEL real joy and connectedness when I'm taking care of my kids.
Can't wait!
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