May 26, 2011 ~ Day 167 It's All Happening!

I'm not a particularly new-agey person (or maybe I am?) but I have to say that since I started reading that Law of Attraction book and actively focusing my thoughts on the kind of life I want for our family, rather than the one we've been living for the past few years... a lot of magical things have been coming together in a synergistic way.

Anyone not familiar with the Jerry and Esther Hicks and Abraham works may wonder what I am talking about. Heck, I myself would have wondered about it just two months ago before my amazing Pilates therapist turned me onto these books and the theory of focusing your thoughts to create the kind of world you'd like to live in.

Here is a very simple explanation of the theory:

Whatever you devote your mental and emotional energy to will become your reality ~ positive OR negative.

For example...

If you spend all of your time thinking about being sick, even if you're just wishing to get well, then your reality will reflect your focus on the absence of health... and cause you to continue manifesting poor health.

Alternatively, if you focus your thoughts and emotions on vibrant health and live as though you ARE perfectly healthy - your reality will become healthy... even if only because by developing a positive and relaxed mindset you've allowed your immune system to bounce back and and thus follow its own innate wisdom to heal the rest of your body.

Take it or leave it, buy into it or don't... all I know is, working with the Law of Attraction has been surprisingly powerful for me.

I hadn't realized just how many worried or negative thoughts I was taking with me throughout my days... how many times every afternoon between the hours of 4pm and 7pm I would criticize myself as a mother or feel badly about my contributions to our family unit.

How often in a single day did I think to myself, "What is WRONG with me? Why am I so bad at this?" while trying to mother my small children and mediate between them.

Countless, countless times.

Since I read the Hicks/Abraham book I've begun to watch myself more vigilantly to make sure I stop talking to myself that way. I'm working hard to put my attention on the things I actually want more of... not the things I want less of. "I LOVE being a mother," I remind myself. "I LOVE these children. I am so lucky to be here with them." A little glow actually fills my heart each time as I think this... and promptly I realize how strongly I do feel this way.

The funny thing is ~ and it may be a coincidence ~ my children haven't been fighting as much lately. Our afternoons have been a lot better.

Here is another example:

After years of wondering when and how to return to work while still putting my three children first, I recently determined to offer private tutoring again. This felt like a great way to apply my own professional skill set and contribute something positive to children and families in need.

Since I embarked on this path a few weeks ago, I've begun to work with clients and found myself driving home EVERY TIME thinking about how fulfilling the work was and how much I enjoyed helping another human being connect to their own confidence and intelligence. "I really love tutoring," I've realized, "I look forward to doing a lot more of it." One-to-one teaching seems to fit this phase of my life and career really well.

I've been so focused on the joy of doing this kind of work that I really expected my telephone to begin to ring with potential clients... and amazingly, it's starting to happen! A dear friend of mine in our new neighborhood sent out such a beautiful email today on my behalf to all of her mommy friends, and within an hour I'd gained another new client for the Summer. I'm thrilled!

All of this may well be coincidence, and I'm not trying to sell anyone on the Law of Attraction. I'm no expert in working with it ~ more of a novice with a hopeful heart. For me this has been a process of constantly redirecting my thought energy from the negative toward the positive... and really watching how I speak to my children, my husband and myself.

"We can't afford that!" has evolved into "When we can afford that, it will be wonderful!" and I find that by turning around the phrase I have a totally different emotional response internally. Rather than cringing with a feeling of despair and frustration about our limited means, I am actually smiling in anticipation of happy days ahead.

"Do you know what you are wanting?" Esther Hicks asks her audience... "Really?" Then she laughs, because in reality most of us may not be aware of what we are sending out there.

These days I'm trying to know what I'm wanting... which means I'm getting to know myself pretty intimately. I'm asking myself hard questions about who I REALLY am and what I REALLY want.

I think that it is possible that after my father died in 2009, I yearned deep down to have someone (or a series of people) taking care of me. Losing Dad made me feel lonely and vulnerable - not to mention completely exhausted from the stress and strain of the many years of his illness. In my deepest heart I wanted to let someone else tend to me... perhaps my husband.

Could this be why I attracted in so many physicians over the course of two years? So many strange situations that required me to seek medical care? Did I, deep down, yearn for wise male authority figures who could make the world feel safe for me, in the way that my father hand done for 33 years?

I'm not saying that the lyme disease and co-infections weren't important to follow up on, or that any part of my illness was psycho-somatic. Definitely not.

However my doctor believes that I've carried that bacteria in my system since my late teens or early twenties... possibly as many as 17 years. Only when my immune system went temporarily down due to stress and sorrow at the age of 33 did those chronic infections start to wreak havoc.

Were my cells responding to an unspoken desire on my part to be taken care of by wise older men who reminded me of my dad? And if so, wouldn't this make perfect sense?

After all, I was hospitalized and being tended to by two distinguished male perinatologists during the week when my father passed away. I watched him dying via computer screen. I said goodbye over a cell phone. Wouldn't it make sense that subconsciously I transferred my feeling of 'safety' from my father to those doctors who were still there in physical form to speak with me... to comfort me, and to save my unborn daughter's life?

WELL ~

If this was the case, I now have News for my body. I no longer need anyone else to take care of me. I'm 35 years old and finally feel strong and motivated and excited to live again. Inside I feel confident and capable; independent and quite happy to take care of myself AND my children. I am no longer reclusive, vulnerable or weak ~ in fact, I have a sense of personal power that I haven't felt in years.

Perhaps thanks to this resurgence of the real me, I've got a sensational intuition that wonderful changes are now afoot on all levels.

I don't know what our exact path will be moving forward, but wherever our desires and dreams are leading, I'm feeling more certain than I have in years that there is beauty and opportunity all around our family of five. I'm so grateful... and SO excited!!!