June 18, 2011 ~ Day 190 While Shopping For Chocolate...

Nineteen days ago I wrote a blog post about the sinking feeling I'd had when I left one of my tutoring appointments ~ a sensation that something in the vibe was off... and I might not hear from that particular family again. After more than two weeks passed without hearing from the mother, I resigned myself to the uncomfortable notion that I hadn't been a good match for their needs.

As I described in this blog two days ago, I was then struck with the inspiration to simply ask for honest feedback about my initial visit with their family. "Maybe I'm rusty at this," I considered - "Maybe I wasn't as professional as I could have been." I decided that no matter what the feedback might be, even if the mother's response made me feel MORE disappointed in myself, it would be worth hearing and learning from.

Not wishing to put the mother on the spot with a telephone call which could intrude on the peace of her morning, I dropped her a short email.

I thanked her very sincerely for her time and then asked her for a brief candid review of the session. "I assume," I wrote, "since haven't heard from you in a few weeks, that I was not the right fit for your family. I would be so grateful for your honest opinion about ways in which I might improve as a tutor."

Relieved by the sense that I'd finally shifted the stagnant energy which had hung on me since our meeting on May 31st, I moved on.

Yesterday while tutoring another student in the early evening, I went into my online message center and discovered to my surprise that the mother had written me back promptly and quite effusively. "I'm so sorry!" she'd responded. "Not at all! We both LOVED you. We think you are a great fit for our family!"

She went on to explain how busy it had been in their home around the end of the school year, and that she'd thought she had told me that it would be a few weeks before we would make contact again.

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather - I was so surprised by this turn of events! Eighteen days is a fairly long time for a client to go radio silent, especially a client that you've met with only one time. I'd really convinced myself that it was time to close the chapter on that family, so that I could move forward.

Suddenly, I found myself 'back in the game' so to speak.

* * * * * *


This evening after finishing up tutoring another high school student I headed over to the fancy organic foods store to pick up some special ingredients for a special Father's Day gift my sons and I were planning to bake for my husband - a decadent dark chocolate and raspberry layer cake from the Bon Appetit website. (The recipe photo was jaw droppingly sensual, so chocolate-y and full of raspberry... we just couldn't resist!)

As I was wheeling my grocery cart down the aisle toward the store's bakery section to look for some frosting inspiration, I thought I heard someone call my name. Turning my head slightly toward the left, I glimpsed blond hair and a familiar looking face smiling at me. "Oh wow," I thought. "It's that mother! How funny that I would not hear from her for almost three weeks and then in 24 hours receive an email AND run into her at the grocery store!"

"Hi!" I smiled back. "Great to see you! I was so relieved to hear from you."

Swiftly but smoothly she cut me short. "It's nice to see you too! I'm very sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. We're looking forward to working with you...

I'd like to share one piece of advice with you," she added. "May I?"

"Of course!" I replied, bracing myself. After all, I'd just asked her over email for honest feedback!

"Never assume the negative about yourself in any situation," she smiled. "There is NO-ONE out there that wouldn't LOVE you. You're fantastic."

She then went on to give me a more detailed explanation around the gap in our communication, and we talked pleasantly for a few minutes about travel plans, Father's Day and scheduling for the next appointment.

"Well, I'll let you get going ~ you have a cake to bake!" she twinkled, and then gracefully moved on with her shopping.

"I'm so glad I was wearing a decent, matching outfit," I exhaled - and began to rerun our conversation in my mind. Out of everything she'd said, it was her first phrase that really stuck with me:

Never assume the negative.

"Do I do that?" I wondered silently as I began to continue down the aisle with my cart. "Do I often assume the negative? Or am I just pragmatic, realistic?"

Examples popped into my mind about the many, many past occasions when I'd hoped for the positive only to deal with a harsher, less generous reality:

• Job interviews where I'd been called back for multiple meetings only to have the offer slip through my fingers in the final round,
• Boyfriends I'd tried to give the benefit of the doubt until forced to recognize that if you find silk panties under the driver's seat of their car that aren't yours... it's a pretty strong sign that the outcome of the relationship isn't going to be good,
• Extended family talking smack about my lifestyle choices under their breath ~ yet plenty loud enough for me to hear every word...
• Children falling ill right before major events like weddings, graduations, special parties, vacations... causing us to defer a lot of joys
• Etc.

Over 35 years I've definitely come to a point where I try not to get my hopes up about much. While I don't typically think of myself as a pessimist, I try not to count my chickens until they've hatched. I don't like getting let down, and I'd definitely rather walk away first ~ especially if I sense that I might get hurt.

I suppose that approaching Life with this perspective violates the core principles of the Law of Attraction that I've been trying so hard to learn recently! I'm supposed to bring myself into alignment with all that I most want, until my entire body and spirit actually *feel* the sensations of joy and contentment that would come with achieving all of my heartfelt goals and dreams.

Today's surprise meeting at the grocery store seems like a prime example of Life reinforcing the core spiritual philosophies I've been studying lately, using this mother as a megaphone. "Never assume the negative about yourself," she advised. She might well have added:

Look for the best... and project *that* energy into the world.
Don't let fear of hurt or loss enter the equation at all.
Assume love, assume success -> and success and love will find you!

June 2, 2011 ~ Day 174 Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Yesterday afternoon I found myself yearning for a more positive outlook. I sensed that I had focused my daily blog post on personal weakness and insecurity... and that didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. Even as I was writing, I tried to break through the negativity - but it didn't fully happen.

I'm not a very religious person but I prayed anyway to find peace and enthusiasm - and then I turned to my slowly growing understanding of the Law of Attraction. I shut up about the things that were worrying me and started to focus on balance.

I made a very specific list in my heart of positive things that I desired at that moment - and foremost among those was to feel a sense of ease and well-being. I made myself remember exactly how it felt to be fully well and energized, on fire with life. I held onto those thoughts for as long as I could, and when my concentration broke I once again scavenged my brain for memories of health and happiness.

I even called my mother.

"Mom," I casually mentioned. "I'd really appreciate it if you could visualize a few things for me. I'm busy visualizing them too, and I'd love it if we could both be keeping the same images in our minds today."

My mother is a pretty remarkable woman, and despite the fact that she'd been working on her website when I called, she didn't miss a beat. "Sure!" she agreed. "Exactly what am I supposed to be visualizing?"

"I would like you to visualize that the perfect path is going to spring up organically for me to feel as energized and fantastic again as I did when I was in my early twenties. I want you to remember me as I was then, so full of hope and excitement, and picture me just like that now."

"Well, that's easy," she laughed. "I already DO picture you like that. I know you are on the way to being that whole again. There is no question in my mind that you are going to have all that joy and spunk back. Honestly," she added, "You're infinitely better already than you were just a year ago. You may not see it, but I do. You're really thriving again."

"Thank you! I'm so glad to hear that! Now tell me what I can visualize for you."

A little while later, things began to happen. Maya*, the nurse from my rheumatologist's office, called to tell me that the doctor had decided to change my antibiotic prescription from azithromycin back to doxycycline, on the strict condition that I take the doxy pills whole this time without opening them up.

"My husband will be so happy," I realized, "He commented so often about the positive difference in my body, mind and spirit while I was on the doxycycline before. Yay!"

Equally importantly, I myself was thrilled by this unexpected news. During the six weeks that I took the doxycycline this Spring I'd felt younger, more vital and healthier than I have in years.

Fairly swiftly, I went into our kitchen and tried to take one of the leftover doxycycline capsules I'd had from that prior prescription. It proved more difficult than I'd hoped... mainly because for all of the 35 years of my life, I have struggled with taking pills of any size or shape. It is less of a physical problem than a mental block. I fear choking, I suppose, and so my gag reflex goes nuts. (This explains why I'd been taking the capsules by opening them up for all those weeks prior.)

I wanted to swallow that doxycycline so badly right then, I must have squelched much of my positive energy and I'm betting anything that I was both gritting my teeth and clenching my jaw. Within a minute of gagging and choking on water, I had to spit the pill out before all of its gelatin coating dissolved.

I tried again with another capsule. Same result. Gagging, spitting. Frustration.

"I NEED TO TAKE THIS PILL...
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF I CAN'T TAKE THIS PILL?"

Feeling my energy going back into a stuck place - a darker place - I stopped the downward surge and reached for the Law of Attraction. "I'm going to sit here and just remember how great I felt on that medicine and how much it changed me for the better. I'm going to FEEL the health pouring into me."

I did this for about ten minutes and then the thought popped into my head that maybe my neighborhood pharmacist would have some suggestions. Heidi* and I have become good friends since we moved here in February and she is the kindest pharmacist I have ever met.

"Why not call?" I decided. "It certainly can't hurt and she may have some answers."

As it turns out, Heidi figured out that she could make up the doxycycline for me in a liquid suspension that would not hurt my throat. "It will cost more," she said, "But it could tide you over until you get good at swallowing the capsules!"

"FANTASTIC!!!"

Getting off of the telephone, I felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of me. Totally relaxed, I decided to give the old doxycycline capsule one more try. "What did I do the last time I was able to swallow a pill?" I asked myself.

("You jumped up and down!" came the answer from deep in my memory bank.)

"Really? That's odd. Well, it's worth a try!"

"Hey kids, mommy will be right back." I excused myself to go to our bathroom with a glass of water and a doxycycline capsule and began jumping up and down. "I do feel a little ridiculous," I laughed inside, "But heck, it might work!"

Sure enough, as soon as I'd stopped thinking about swallowing the capsule - consumed with the physical process of jumping - my throat opened up and the capsule went down.

"WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shouted... and danced out of the bathroom. "High fives? High fives everyone!!! Mommy swallowed a medicine pill!!!"

"You did?" my six year old asked, wide-eyed. "I thought you couldn't swallow pills. That's great, Mom!"

My children danced around our living room with me, jumping off of the sofa and singing ~ even though the little ones weren't quite as sure what the commotion was about. My enthusiasm lit them up and soon the mood in our house was really light. In fact, we shared a great evening.

* * * * *

Here is the best news of all. This morning, I awakened feeling like a different person. A calmer, more optimistic, happier and more stable person. This must be the right antibiotic for my particular set of infections because after only two pills I feel pretty incredible. My hands are warm. My feet are warm. My circulation is amazing. I feel so patient!

In short, I feel like the me that I'd been praying for, just 24 hours ago.

My husband and I are really hoping that this time I will be able to stay on doxycycline, for as long as it takes to get my infections and inflammation in check and to feel like the girl that we both remember. (There are a few reasons why this might not happen, related to side-effects of the medicine that my doctor is uncomfortable with. I'm busy visualizing that my path to staying this strong will become clear no matter what steps I need ultimately to take along the journey.)

I don't want to get caught up in more worry, negativity, or fear. There is no room for, "What if I can't stay on the doxy, AGAIN. What will I do then?"

Instead, I've decided to focus on the excellent effects that are swiftly making themselves known throughout my body and spirit. I'm taking the time to really notice and appreciate them.

Here's the first happy effect:

I've just realized that as I typed this daily post, I was smiling the entire time.








*Name changed to protect the privacy of the people in question