Thursday, June 2, 2011
June 2, 2011 ~ Day 174
Ask and Ye Shall Receive
Yesterday afternoon I found myself yearning for a more positive outlook. I sensed that I had focused my daily blog post on personal weakness and insecurity... and that didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. Even as I was writing, I tried to break through the negativity - but it didn't fully happen.
I'm not a very religious person but I prayed anyway to find peace and enthusiasm - and then I turned to my slowly growing understanding of the Law of Attraction. I shut up about the things that were worrying me and started to focus on balance.
I made a very specific list in my heart of positive things that I desired at that moment - and foremost among those was to feel a sense of ease and well-being. I made myself remember exactly how it felt to be fully well and energized, on fire with life. I held onto those thoughts for as long as I could, and when my concentration broke I once again scavenged my brain for memories of health and happiness.
I even called my mother.
"Mom," I casually mentioned. "I'd really appreciate it if you could visualize a few things for me. I'm busy visualizing them too, and I'd love it if we could both be keeping the same images in our minds today."
My mother is a pretty remarkable woman, and despite the fact that she'd been working on her website when I called, she didn't miss a beat. "Sure!" she agreed. "Exactly what am I supposed to be visualizing?"
"I would like you to visualize that the perfect path is going to spring up organically for me to feel as energized and fantastic again as I did when I was in my early twenties. I want you to remember me as I was then, so full of hope and excitement, and picture me just like that now."
"Well, that's easy," she laughed. "I already DO picture you like that. I know you are on the way to being that whole again. There is no question in my mind that you are going to have all that joy and spunk back. Honestly," she added, "You're infinitely better already than you were just a year ago. You may not see it, but I do. You're really thriving again."
"Thank you! I'm so glad to hear that! Now tell me what I can visualize for you."
A little while later, things began to happen. Maya*, the nurse from my rheumatologist's office, called to tell me that the doctor had decided to change my antibiotic prescription from azithromycin back to doxycycline, on the strict condition that I take the doxy pills whole this time without opening them up.
"My husband will be so happy," I realized, "He commented so often about the positive difference in my body, mind and spirit while I was on the doxycycline before. Yay!"
Equally importantly, I myself was thrilled by this unexpected news. During the six weeks that I took the doxycycline this Spring I'd felt younger, more vital and healthier than I have in years.
Fairly swiftly, I went into our kitchen and tried to take one of the leftover doxycycline capsules I'd had from that prior prescription. It proved more difficult than I'd hoped... mainly because for all of the 35 years of my life, I have struggled with taking pills of any size or shape. It is less of a physical problem than a mental block. I fear choking, I suppose, and so my gag reflex goes nuts. (This explains why I'd been taking the capsules by opening them up for all those weeks prior.)
I wanted to swallow that doxycycline so badly right then, I must have squelched much of my positive energy and I'm betting anything that I was both gritting my teeth and clenching my jaw. Within a minute of gagging and choking on water, I had to spit the pill out before all of its gelatin coating dissolved.
I tried again with another capsule. Same result. Gagging, spitting. Frustration.
"I NEED TO TAKE THIS PILL...
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF I CAN'T TAKE THIS PILL?"
Feeling my energy going back into a stuck place - a darker place - I stopped the downward surge and reached for the Law of Attraction. "I'm going to sit here and just remember how great I felt on that medicine and how much it changed me for the better. I'm going to FEEL the health pouring into me."
I did this for about ten minutes and then the thought popped into my head that maybe my neighborhood pharmacist would have some suggestions. Heidi* and I have become good friends since we moved here in February and she is the kindest pharmacist I have ever met.
"Why not call?" I decided. "It certainly can't hurt and she may have some answers."
As it turns out, Heidi figured out that she could make up the doxycycline for me in a liquid suspension that would not hurt my throat. "It will cost more," she said, "But it could tide you over until you get good at swallowing the capsules!"
Getting off of the telephone, I felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of me. Totally relaxed, I decided to give the old doxycycline capsule one more try. "What did I do the last time I was able to swallow a pill?" I asked myself.
("You jumped up and down!" came the answer from deep in my memory bank.)
"Really? That's odd. Well, it's worth a try!"
"Hey kids, mommy will be right back." I excused myself to go to our bathroom with a glass of water and a doxycycline capsule and began jumping up and down. "I do feel a little ridiculous," I laughed inside, "But heck, it might work!"
Sure enough, as soon as I'd stopped thinking about swallowing the capsule - consumed with the physical process of jumping - my throat opened up and the capsule went down.
"WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shouted... and danced out of the bathroom. "High fives? High fives everyone!!! Mommy swallowed a medicine pill!!!"
"You did?" my six year old asked, wide-eyed. "I thought you couldn't swallow pills. That's great, Mom!"
My children danced around our living room with me, jumping off of the sofa and singing ~ even though the little ones weren't quite as sure what the commotion was about. My enthusiasm lit them up and soon the mood in our house was really light. In fact, we shared a great evening.
* * * * *
Here is the best news of all. This morning, I awakened feeling like a different person. A calmer, more optimistic, happier and more stable person. This must be the right antibiotic for my particular set of infections because after only two pills I feel pretty incredible. My hands are warm. My feet are warm. My circulation is amazing. I feel so patient!
In short, I feel like the me that I'd been praying for, just 24 hours ago.
My husband and I are really hoping that this time I will be able to stay on doxycycline, for as long as it takes to get my infections and inflammation in check and to feel like the girl that we both remember. (There are a few reasons why this might not happen, related to side-effects of the medicine that my doctor is uncomfortable with. I'm busy visualizing that my path to staying this strong will become clear no matter what steps I need ultimately to take along the journey.)
I don't want to get caught up in more worry, negativity, or fear. There is no room for, "What if I can't stay on the doxy, AGAIN. What will I do then?"
Instead, I've decided to focus on the excellent effects that are swiftly making themselves known throughout my body and spirit. I'm taking the time to really notice and appreciate them.
Here's the first happy effect:
I've just realized that as I typed this daily post, I was smiling the entire time.
*Name changed to protect the privacy of the people in question