October 14, 2011 ~ Day 309 Pivoting, Pivotal

I've missed a lot of days with this blog lately.

Happily I've come to a place emotionally, after working on this project for nearly a year, where I can truly accept that.

It isn't perfect and I'll be working wrapping up the missing posts for a few months after we hit December 10, 2011.

In a way, I'm secretly happy about that. It would be rather abrupt to stop writing altogether... especially after a year full of sharing quiet confidences in the wee hours of the night.

Today I had a really special moment with my smaller son's preschool teacher. I'd raced by her to grab him on the playground, with only 20 minutes remaining to get across town to pick up his elder brother from the 1st grade. We were running late as usual.

She stopped me though, and I could tell by the warm and effusive smile that whatever she needed to tell me was positive.

"I was going to send a note home this afternoon," she said, "So I'm really glad to see you. Your son is doing so well! He's really begun to thrive in class. He has mastered a number of skills recently (she then gave me a list) and he has also finally started talking a lot to the other students and to the other teacher and me."

"Yay!" I cheered. "He's warming up! It sounds like he finally feels comfortable here. I'm thrilled."

Indeed, just last night our little boy had pitched an enormous fit when his daddy suggested that he might want to stay home with me today. Enormous crocodile tears rolled down his cheeks (which had turned bright red from caterwauling).

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is SHARING DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Wow, hon-" my husband had turned to me. "I think he really likes his school."

* * *

It's great when these parental gambles we take actually pan out. There have been so many times over the past four months when our son actually didn't want to go to school. He even got injured thanks to his ardent desire NOT to go to school.

We kept sending him back though, with a smile every morning and a hug from Mommy and a fully stocked lunchbox. Now - wonderfully - our faith in the school has paid off and it brought tears to my eyes today when, as I was signing him out of school for the day, a little boy yelled at me

"He's MY FRIEND!" pointing at my son. "HE'S MY FRIEND!"

"That's great! Who are you?"

"I'm Remmy... HE" (gesturing emphatically in our direction) "is MY friend."

My son grinned from ear to ear.

At that moment, I could tell that what his preschool teacher had confided was 100% right on. Our boy has really turned a corner.

* * *

If anyone asked me right now for a sixty second window on our lives right now, I'd have to say in all honesty that I'd had no idea just how positive this move to our new home would end up being for us.

I feel so lucky, blessed, relaxed and focused.

So many good things have come into our lives with this move. New friends, new supports for our family (Moms group at the church, play therapist)... tutoring work for me... amazing schools for our kids. Exercise, sports teams, financial solvency, new philosophies of being, renewed health and time to devote to both the marriage and the children.

Things are solid; Real.

When I look back to where we were a year ago, it really feels like a different family living a totally different life. As a now healthy-motivated-optimistic woman on the go, I have trouble remembering the sickly, depressed woman I used to be very clearly; but I do remember that things weren't going well. (I'm good at blocking out bad memories... love focusing on the good ones!)

Not like we've suddenly become perfect...

It's just that, somehow this lifestyle and community are really healthy for us. We are each supported here in our dreams, needs, desires and even flaws. We've found an equilibrium in daily life that had been sorely lacking.

Last October I didn't know that it was even possible for us to be this happy; this contented as both individuals and a collective.

I hope when our kids read this blog someday in years to come they will recognize then that it IS possible to make major changes in a life, family and marriage in order to "re-boot" and have a fresh start. Even when you are 36 and 37 years old, with three small children in tow. (Even when your health is on the line.)

This year we learned that with faith and dedication, anything is possible.

When all is said and done I believe we will look back on this as a pivotal year of transition that set the stage for our bright, beautiful future.

September 12, 2011 ~ Day 277 It Could've Been Worse

Well...

It could've been worse.

Sure, the house was a mess when our landlord stopped by today.

Yes, my cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink when showing him the back yard cluttered with my kid's toys and dirt "castles" among other delights - like string cheese wrappers and a discarded diaper. (Ugh!)

And yes, he did ask me to keep the lawn better watered.

(I had to explain to him how high our water bill is, when we water it enough to keep it green. That was embarrassing.)

But it could've been worse.

My children could have been home raising holy hell. Instead, one was napping and two at school. So I had the opportunity to focus squarely on my conversation with the man - rather than dealing with a crazy tantrum.

That by itself is a huge positive!

Last weekend I did rake, mow and sweep the yard. So while browner than desired, at least it wasn't overgrown and trashy.

Deep down, I really wish we owned our own home.

But then I remember just how lucky we are to rent this house, this special home.

I remember how lucky we are to live in this neighborhood - this wonderful, lovely, friendly neighborhood.

I remember how happy we've been since we arrived here - and I know that will remain true no matter where we live in this community.

So, despite some my obvious failings as a housekeeper, I just need to be thankful for what we Do have.

We are very lucky.

* * * * *



It could've been worse.

Today I found my two year old daughter in the bathroom, having scampered away from where I was cooking in the kitchen. She had been gone for all of a minute, so I went in to see what was happening.

To my horror, she had pried open a cabinet, located a cardboard box (which happened to contain a lab test kit) and was busy playing with the kit pieces. One of them was a vial, a plastic vial. On the cover was a skull and crossbones, with the words "Poison".

My heart stopped, and my mind began to race.

My daughter looked normal. Cheery. She was laughing.

"Honey did you drink this? Did you drink something?"

"No." She smiled widely, daring me to believe her.

I noticed that the lid of the vial was still screwed on. I am sure my two year old daughter can manage to unscrew any lid... but really, would she have the dexterity to take it off, drink the contents of a vial and then RE-screw it tightly? Doubtful.

I thought about who to call. The pediatrician? Poison control? 9-1-1?

Finally I realized that the right first choice would be the company who made that lab test kit... to discover what, if anything, had been inside that vial.

What a blessing!

They answered on the first ring. The woman at the front put me right through to the microbiologist. I explained the situation, very rapidly.

He asked which test it was, and what color the lid was on the vial.

"Clear," I answered.

"You don't have to worry," he responded kindly. "We send out those vials empty, with no liquid. Your daughter is fine."

"Thank you so much, I am so grateful for your help."

Getting off of the telephone, I gave my daughter a long hug and then tried to explain to her why we don't play with bottles in the bathroom.

I then looked through every cupboard in her arm's reach - and even a few beyond her reach - to make sure that she can't get ahold of ANYTHING dangerous. She is clearly making very poor choices, two year old style, about what to monkey with.

I want her to live through the age of two!

So while the incident undoubtedly added a gray hair or two to my head, I think it's clear -

It could've been much worse.

We were blessed, and now we are warned.

* * * * *


When I look back over all of the events of the last few months, I realize that as stressful as they seemed all of them could have been much worse.

• My son's fingers are healing very well, with no further allergic reactions to his medicine.
• Our budget crunch led me to begin tutoring again, work I absolutely love.
• The recent Southern California blackout gave me information about ways in which we need to better prepare for disasters, without having to experience/survive a true disaster.
• Even my own health problems have led me to a greater understanding of how to eat, exercise and live more fully.

Every single bleak moment has led to something better, a richer understanding of the world, and enhanced gratitude for what we DO have.

So, while I really hope that our skies stay clear for a little while, my faith is growing that even in the soggiest weather there is always a rowboat waiting in the storm to carry our family through the storm toward shelter and beauty.