Happily I've come to a place emotionally, after working on this project for nearly a year, where I can truly accept that.
It isn't perfect and I'll be working wrapping up the missing posts for a few months after we hit December 10, 2011.
In a way, I'm secretly happy about that. It would be rather abrupt to stop writing altogether... especially after a year full of sharing quiet confidences in the wee hours of the night.
Today I had a really special moment with my smaller son's preschool teacher. I'd raced by her to grab him on the playground, with only 20 minutes remaining to get across town to pick up his elder brother from the 1st grade. We were running late as usual.
She stopped me though, and I could tell by the warm and effusive smile that whatever she needed to tell me was positive.
"I was going to send a note home this afternoon," she said, "So I'm really glad to see you. Your son is doing so well! He's really begun to thrive in class. He has mastered a number of skills recently (she then gave me a list) and he has also finally started talking a lot to the other students and to the other teacher and me."
"Yay!" I cheered. "He's warming up! It sounds like he finally feels comfortable here. I'm thrilled."
Indeed, just last night our little boy had pitched an enormous fit when his daddy suggested that he might want to stay home with me today. Enormous crocodile tears rolled down his cheeks (which had turned bright red from caterwauling).
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is SHARING DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wow, hon-" my husband had turned to me. "I think he really likes his school."
* * *
It's great when these parental gambles we take actually pan out. There have been so many times over the past four months when our son actually didn't want to go to school. He even got injured thanks to his ardent desire NOT to go to school.
We kept sending him back though, with a smile every morning and a hug from Mommy and a fully stocked lunchbox. Now - wonderfully - our faith in the school has paid off and it brought tears to my eyes today when, as I was signing him out of school for the day, a little boy yelled at me
"He's MY FRIEND!" pointing at my son. "HE'S MY FRIEND!"
"That's great! Who are you?"
"I'm Remmy... HE" (gesturing emphatically in our direction) "is MY friend."
My son grinned from ear to ear.
At that moment, I could tell that what his preschool teacher had confided was 100% right on. Our boy has really turned a corner.
* * *
If anyone asked me right now for a sixty second window on our lives right now, I'd have to say in all honesty that I'd had no idea just how positive this move to our new home would end up being for us.
I feel so lucky, blessed, relaxed and focused.
So many good things have come into our lives with this move. New friends, new supports for our family (Moms group at the church, play therapist)... tutoring work for me... amazing schools for our kids. Exercise, sports teams, financial solvency, new philosophies of being, renewed health and time to devote to both the marriage and the children.
Things are solid; Real.
When I look back to where we were a year ago, it really feels like a different family living a totally different life. As a now healthy-motivated-optimistic woman on the go, I have trouble remembering the sickly, depressed woman I used to be very clearly; but I do remember that things weren't going well. (I'm good at blocking out bad memories... love focusing on the good ones!)
Not like we've suddenly become perfect...
It's just that, somehow this lifestyle and community are really healthy for us. We are each supported here in our dreams, needs, desires and even flaws. We've found an equilibrium in daily life that had been sorely lacking.
Last October I didn't know that it was even possible for us to be this happy; this contented as both individuals and a collective.
I hope when our kids read this blog someday in years to come they will recognize then that it IS possible to make major changes in a life, family and marriage in order to "re-boot" and have a fresh start. Even when you are 36 and 37 years old, with three small children in tow. (Even when your health is on the line.)
This year we learned that with faith and dedication, anything is possible.
When all is said and done I believe we will look back on this as a pivotal year of transition that set the stage for our bright, beautiful future.
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