I can't be the only one out there.
Odds are high that lots of people feel the same impatience with the process of growing and improving; the same impulse to Do It Right and Do It NOW.
For example, I look around our house... this house that I truly love, which is mainly falling apart. Take the bathroom, for instance.
This is not our home - so I do not have the legal right to fix the most glaring flaws I see. A brief scan shows rot in the baseboards, rust on the pipes, cracks in the paint, tears in the blinds.
When I see these things, this is what I want to do:
- Hire a contracter.
- Get estimates for how to clear the bathroom walls of mold and rot.
- Pay to have the entire thing stripped down and then rebuilt with good fresh wood.
- Put a fresh coat of paint on the walls
- Replace the cheap plastic blinds with expensive wooden blinds or cheerful curtains
Then I want to tackle the rest of the house.
I get these IMPULSES, these strong feelings to make things better - to make them beautiful...
...until I remember our bank account ~ and the way in which our voracious needs as a family of five really soak up the entire paycheck of the hardworking man I'm married to.
So I take a deep breath, and remind myself that it isn't always going to be like this.
Someday we will have more money.
Someday we will have our own home.
Someday I will create a beautiful bathroom.
It's the same way with my health.
There are a million things I would like to do right now, steps along the path to healing. I'd like to get checked for heavy metals, which I've read can seriously disrupt adrenal function. There are books I'd like to purchase, naturopaths I'd like to consult, protocols I'd be open to trying.
Here is what stands between me and those goals... $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
So I take another deep breath, and remind myself that it isn't always going to be like this.
Someday we will have more money.
Someday I will find the perfect balance of nutrition, supplementation and medicine to restore me to amazing health.
Someday I will look in the mirror and see the girl I remember from not long ago.
I'm trying to learn now NOT to be frantic with my goals. How to find peace. I'm working on taking things one step at a time; understanding that it doesn't all have to happen today.
* * * * * * *
Perhaps most central to my heart, I really wish that I had more time with my husband. I was looking at photos of us this morning, photos which were taken between the years of 2002 and 2005, before we had any children.
In the pictures you can sense this *vibe*, this almost tangible chemistry. Or maybe I'm the only one who would sense that chemistry between us, since I actually lived it at the time.
Either way, I can see and feel the chemistry between those two free, happy young people that we were not so long ago ~ and I remember SO CLEARLY how it felt. To share those moments, experiences, conversations. The privacy of an actual love affair.
I love that guy, and I can't believe how little we actually see of each other these days. I can't even begin to describe how many times in the last six years we've been *just* about to kiss, or right in the middle of starting a really deep talk... and then one or the other of three (precious) little people has stormed into the room with some URGENT need that MUST BE MET right at that moment.
"Mommy, MY BED IS WET!"
"Mommy, I NEED you to tuck me IN!"
"Mommy, HE HIT ME!"
"Mommy, my tummy HURTS!"
It's actually significant and impressive that - especially since he goes to bed every night not long after our children do - that we've managed to stay as close as we have, given how very rare are our times alone together.
When I look at these old photos of us, this is what I want to do:
- Hire a babysitter.
- Take my my husband away on a surprise vacation, just the two of us
- Go somewhere without anyone crying, fussing, or climbing on our legs
- Watch a sunset or something. Take a long walk.
- Sit together in pristine silence, holding hands
- Later, after the blessed silence, talk about grown up things
This is what I would like to do - and this is what I hope to do in August. If I can pull it off, we will have our first 'romantic' weekend alone together in three years. Childless couples may have a hard time relating to the significance of that statement.
Allow me to say it again - our first time really alone together in THREE YEARS... (if you're not counting the medical trip to see a specialist last Summer, which frankly, I'm not).
I'm just hoping the money and babysitting work out for this upcoming trip.
I want to do this TODAY! Yet, I know that patience and faith will be required to pull it off. So I take a deep breath, and remind myself that it isn't always going to be like this.
Someday we will have more time.
Someday our children will be independent and self-sufficient.
Someday we will find ourselves alone together frequently, and missing those dear little faces. We'll look back fondly on all of the interruptions and sleepless nights.
Someday we will travel, sleep in, have romantic dinners and go see live music again. We'll have plenty of hours for each other, and for everything.
* * * * * * *
Here is what the smaller, meaner me is shouting:
I WANT IT ALL!!! I WANT IT ALL RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Here is what the larger, truer me is whispering:
Slow and steady. Slow and steady wins the race.
* * * * * * *
I know these things are coming. I look back upon the last year and realize just how far we've progressed, and it is truly inspiring. Our children are thriving. They are growing quickly. We love our new home. We love our new neighborhood. Overall I've gotten so much healthier, and put back on a bunch of weight. I'm on a good healing protocol. We're making a little more money. My husband's businesses have been growing and he's working so hard. I love tutoring. We're in a better place.
I just need to make peace with the Slow;
just need to relax into to the Steady.
Just need to hold on... and enjoy the ride.