I surprised myself by bursting into tears this evening in the kitchen after our kids had gone to bed. After a brief and snotty bawling session I wiped off my face with a paper towel and felt like a whole new woman. Calm, renewed, and ready to keep on going.
The tears may have been a release of all the pent-up emotion I had from this past week full of worry and stress. Perhaps while we were actually going through all of the chaos and intensity I just couldn't allow myself to let down and sob. Now that we've rounded the corner and everything seems to be getting better, my guard went down and I had a good cleansing cry.
What can I say. Maybe it's a chick thing.
It's actually been a pretty wonderful weekend - certainly no cause for tears.
First - one of my best friends in the world who I've been so close to for almost 30 years, she's just like a sister, came into town with her darling family and I've been lucky enough to see her twice in two days.
Second - a band that I absolutely love (and its members who are such truly good people) came into town for a reunion show and my mother graciously hosted our family for the night so that "grandma" could watch our kids while my husband and I went to the show. It was his first time seeing this band live, a band that had been truly important to me not just as musical inspiration but also as a tribe of inspiring, brilliant and warm-hearted people who made a major impact on my life 10 years ago. I was so happy to share the experience of their music one more time, now with my husband.
It was a great show!
On top of which, I finally got a nap this afternoon and re-joined the land of sane and rested people who do not have toddlers that scream bloody murder in the middle of the night.
So in actuality, I don't have anything to complain about.
I do have a little jealousy problem though, or perhaps its an admiration issue. I admire my best friend and her children so much - and I'm jealous of how darling they are and how seamless her parenting is. I wish I could be more like that!
My friend is the mother of two of the most precious little sweetheart daughters you could possibly imagine. I mean, they are some of the sweetest children I have ever met. Genuinely. Her eldest is sunny, cheerful, smart, thoughtful, beautiful and pretty much everything you could ever hope for a child to be. The little one has only just turned one but seems to be shaping up just like her big sister.
We got our five children together for a playdate yesterday and I was a little mortified by the way mine stood out. Even though I adore my kids!
My daughter, who has been really cranky on the antibiotics she is taking for her pneumonia, was in rare form. Throwing milk on the floor, demanding bananas, sneaking into rooms of my friend's house that she had been told to stay out of... grabbing for toys, throwing tantrums.
Actually, she may be a pretty typical two-year-old... but when compared with two perfectly angelic little girls playing near her, my daughter came across in a pretty fussy way. I'm not blind, I saw it - everyone saw it. My friend had to explain to her mother that my daughter has just turned two... as a way of apologizing for all of my little girl's antics.
Agg!!!
My boys, who were on their absolute best behavior for our playdate, still also came off as a bit wild in the face of total sweetness in their gentle companions.
I know that comparisons are ridiculous and you just can't compare your children to other people's kids - because they're all going to have their unique attributes and strengths, and then other areas where they struggle.
I have to wonder though whether the issue is nature or nurture. Is it something in the way we are parenting these three children that they are so full of fire and life?
Is there something I could be doing differently that would have my daughter be less adorably cheeky, and more adorably adorable?
Yet, even if there were something I could do to take away her cheekiness and strength... I'm not sure that I would really want to.
I really love my children. I love them just the way they are. I know they are not the easiest children in the world, and I can see for myself that a lot of my friends have easier children... sweet kids that are more mild-mannered and peaceful.
My kids are a handful and that's a fact. We all know it, they are a rough-and-tumble rowdy kind of bunch that giggle and yell and dance and jump and fight with each other and mouth off to me frequently. Trying to tame them is like trying to sedate a barrel of monkeys. The only way to do it would be to medicate them away from their own vibrant, vital personalities. I would never do that.
From what our mothers tell us, my husband and I realize that there is a REASON why our children are so full of beans... apparently, they get it directly from us.
I was never a violent child but I had strong, passionate emotions - tempestuous emotions. I think this can be seen in my children. My husband was so loud as a child that his father (a doctor) joked about removing his vocal chords. He also loved a good debate (still does!) and thrived on exercise and athletics. So the fact that our children are loud, emotional and full of energy seems to have roots in the obvious.
The saving grace in this is that maybe they will get some of our best characteristics too - our love of music, learning, life and friends. Our joy in nature, and our optimism. I would love it if they could experience some of the blessings we've derived from our personalities... maybe our open minds, warm and loving hearts, or the capacity for loyalty and integrity that he and I both possess.
So... in the end, despite my twinge of jealousy (and admiration) for the wonderful job my friend and her husband are doing with their beautiful and precious daughters; I look at our own unique, inventive, creative and enthusiastic children and know that I would not trade them for anything.
They are my rough diamonds, my cherubs with a twinkle in their eyes. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they fill my heart with true love. They make me the mother and woman I am today.
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