July 21, 2011 ~ Day 223 Was it Destiny?

A long time ago I saw a movie called "Sliding Doors" that tracks a woman in two different versions of her life... one in which she discovers that her lover is cheating on her, and one in which she does not.

For many reasons I really enjoyed this film, not least of which that I find the actor John Hannah to have a very sweet quality and I was rooting for Gwyneth Paltrow's character to end up with him.

One of the most interesting twists of the film for me (Alert! Spoilers ahead!) was the way in which certain major events in the woman's life (including pregnancy and a car accident) occurred in both versions... e.g. they were Fated.

I like to spin this idea of predestination around in my mind and ponder whether certain things are simply meant to be for us, while others are changeable.

For example, was the Leaning Tower of Pisa destined to lean? Or could they simply have built it somewhere else where it would have stood upright?

This line of thinking came to mind tonight as I was feeling frustrated about an irritating spinal disc injury I've had now for about six years since I took an impromptu yoga class at a work retreat and my friend who was teaching it accidentally pushed a little too hard on my back.

Thanks to my lifelong tight hamstrings and position at that moment, not to mention the general disarray and looseness of my muscles after giving birth to a baby six weeks earlier, the pressure ofmy friend's hand pressing down strongly managed to actually herniate my spinal disc.

After six years and two more babies, I would say that I'm *very* lucky that the pain, tingling and numbness haven't gotten worse. There are now two discs involved though, and in all it is pretty darn frustrating. After all, I'm only 35 - not 95.

Many, many times (especially while doing physical therapy exercises) I have wondered what would have happened if I had just NOT attempted her impromptu class on the concrete patio that day. What if I had walked down to the beach instead? What if I'd opted to stay indoors and read a book? What if I'd gone home to see my baby?

Would I still have chronic back pain today?

This is the 64 million dollar question, and I think the answer may be that no-one can know what 'might' have been... but there is nothing to guarantee that I *wouldn't* still be here. Maybe I'd have exactly the same injuries ~ received in a different way, or perhaps something ELSE would have managed to occur that would be equally frustrating or disabling.

Some really weird examples of this exist in real life ~ cases when life is stranger than fiction. For example, when people end up getting in the same kind of accident twice.

It's rare, but I've definitely read about people who get into near-fatal bike accidents, recover, and then die in other bike accidents years later. I've read about people who get into more than one plane crash. What are the odds on that? Surviving a first crash only to die in another one? Or even more unimaginable, surviving two crashes? This actually happens to people.

Are some things just predestined?

I'm not peddling a philosophy of life here, I don't even know what I believe about all of this. Mostly I just observe things about the way the world works, and then I think about them late at night when my family is sleeping peacefully.

I wonder if I was destined to be a mother, a wife.

Would I have ended up with three kids, no matter what? Clearly, they couldn't have been these exact three kids with *any* husband... these are three really unique, special amalgams of my actual husband and myself.

So the question becomes, was I destined to become a mother to any three children? Or was I destined to have THESE exact three children?

Was I fated to become a wife? Or was I fated to be a wife to THIS (adorable) man?

I'm so happy with how it all worked out. I wouldn't trade my life for any other hypothetical life in which I was smarter, healthier, more successful, younger or wealthier... not if it meant missing out on these four precious souls; these beautiful children and their Daddy.

Whether or not they were destined for me, I surely CHOOSE them every single day.

Happily, I suppose that it goes both ways! If these four people were destined for me... I must have been meant for them too. What a total blessing, to know that my existence may have a deeper purpose, one that will help propel them along their way.

I'm overwhelmed by how lovely it is that I've been given an opportunity to play such a unique, integral, positive role in these four interwoven lives. What a gift! I don't know how I got so lucky...

Perhaps it was simply written in our stars.