Tuesday, September 13, 2011

September 13, 2011 ~ Day 278
What I Want

There's what I want

...and then there's what I notice happening all around me.

I guess the trick is to stay focused, positive, and optimistic about achieving what I want

...and ignore what I notice happening all around me.

I WANT to be 100% healed and healthy.

I got back test results today that indicate I've got a long path ahead before that happens.

I was SO READY to be done with lyme disease. To move on... ignoring the inconvenience of my allergies, thyroid quirks and arthritis.

Maybe it sounds silly, but I'd sort of convinced myself that despite some recent bumps in the road I am doing really well.

* * * * *

After all,

I'm happy!

(Except when I'm crazy exhausted...)

I'm energetic!

(Except when I start to fall asleep driving.)

I'm busy!

(24 hours a day.)

In most ways I feel a world better than I did one year ago.

So, in a burst of confidence I asked my lyme literate MD to run a test on me called the CD57. This test measures a subset of natural killer cell function. Apparently these particular cells (in the subset) are suppressed only by longstanding lyme disease, which causes them to fall very low. Luckily, with treatment the CD57 can rise to healthy levels again. It can be fixed.

A normal range is 60 - 360.
Anything above 200 is considered very healthy.

I feel pretty healthy, especially on the days when I take my antibiotics. I've been on antibiotics for over six months now. This explains why I asked my doctor to run the CD57 test and told my mother,

"I'm going to get a 200. I know it!"

And I told my husband,

"I'm going to get a 200. I know it!"

Then I walked and danced around full of sass for the entire week after having my blood drawn. I was so confident that the test was going to fall into the ideal range, because basically I feel okay.

"I'd bet anything it's going to come back normal. I can't wait!"

Well, today I got the results back:


"300 you mean?"

No. 30.

Which means that, um, I was wrong.
I do have active lyme disease, even after 6 months on doxycycline.

In fact, this may mean that I need to take a lot more antibiotics... adding in such things as amoxicillin and metronidazole.

(I could be a doctor, no? I speak their language now.)

Which brings me back to my original point ~

There's what I want

...and then there's what I notice happening all around me.

I guess the trick is to stay focused, positive, and optimistic about achieving what I want

...and ignore what is happening all around me.

* * * * *

What I WANT is to expand my tutoring work, think about my children, better myself as a mother, take yoga classes, cook, exercise, expand my brain, help my husband to save up for a house and plan fun trips ~ both for our family, and for he and I alone.

What I WANT is to laugh happily and gratefully, joyful in the knowledge that I am truly well.

What I WANT is to focus more on helping others than myself, solve things for friends and strangers alike. Be there for others. Make the world a better place.

What I WANT is to see more live music, discover new music that I love, and generally have a music-filled life again... just as we did 7 years ago. I would like to share my joy in music with our children.

What I WANT is to find easy answers, straightforward paths, and courage in myself to do whatever it takes to heal and live well.

And while we're at it... as long as I'm being fully honest,

What I WANT is to gain back the weight I've lost so that I look vibrant, not wan. I would love for my husband to see the same girl he fell in love with when he looks at me now, almost a decade later.

* * * * *

So there you have it.

That is what I want.

(I will treat the lyme disease... but I'm not going to waste time thinking about it any longer. Those little bugs don't deserve the energy. They've sucked enough out of me already.)

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