I want it.
I want it RIGHT NOW!
Readers may sagely assume this is my two year old daughter talking.
Actually, it's me.
Yes, I'm a 35 year old woman having a tantrum... or, as I prefer to reframe it... I'm just speaking very insistently with life.
* * *
Today was my first day in three months without three children to juggle, nurture, discipline and love. I had seven full hours caring for only one child. Can you even imagine?
Seven hours!
I'd racked up so many plans, such a long TO DO list.
(I've been dreaming about this day for weeks!)
Here are some of the things I hoped to accomplish in my seven hours "off":
Spend special time with my daughter
Clean our house until it sparkles
Garden in the back yard
Finish up all of the stacks of laundry sitting near the washer
Organize all drawers, clean refrigerator
Finish yesterday's grocery shopping
Get bloodwork drawn for my next doctor visit
Write today's blog
Research the cost of fixing (ridiculous, self-inflicted) damage to cars
Register for new session of church Mothers group
Prepare meal for adored friend recovering from surgery
Get ready to tutor tonight
and, MOST OF ALL ~
I wanted to put together a detailed spreadsheet of local principals, librarians and other contacts to send letters of introduction and business cards for my tutoring work.
I also needed to make two very important calls with reference to the tutoring business at a time when I had no children underfoot to shriek or use my body as a human jungle gym while I tried to talk.
If there had been any extra time I was also hoping to sift through my closet and put together a bag for Goodwill, organize the family budget and maybe even do my nails.
(There, I said it.
To everyone who believes that stay at home mothers sit around and do their nails all day, you now have proof!
The 16th item on my To Do list was indeed "Manicure".)
* * *
Here though, is what I actually accomplished today:
First day of school:
- got kids ready, chauffeured to school, took photos, posted photos on Facebook
Errands:
- picked up prescription (forgot wallet at home, returned home, found wallet, went back to pay for prescription)
- spent 90 minutes at Quest Diagnostics with restless two year old, waiting in line for a 2 minute blood draw... trying all the while to convince her that houses in magazines were actually castles and that Blake Lively is a real princess
Parenting:
- devoted quality time to said two year old, to make up for the 90 min at lab
- cooked lunch for, played with, changed diapers of, bathed, read to and sang songs
Productive Work:
- hahahaaha
- no actually, I did prepare for tutoring this evening
- worked on this blog
* * *
The thing is... (and this is the thing)
I need more hours. I have all of those other things on the list that must get done, many of them are really important. Crucial even.
I want time to get my business off the ground. I want it! I want it RIGHT NOW!
I want time to make the house beautiful and have dinner cooked and waiting for my husband just like June Cleaver... at least once in a while. He would be so surprised, so happy.
I want it! I want it RIGHT NOW!
I want to save enough money to help my husband buy a house. Save enough to travel with the kids in Europe like we've promised and planned.
I want it! I want it RIGHT NOW!
* * *
Ahem... yes. My tantrum.
(The tantrum itself, peppered with "RIGHT NOWs", "I WANTs" and a few choice curse words muttered in my head, was actually quite worthy of a two year old... although my own daughter is unreasonably talented in this arena and could probably have pulled the whole thing off with far more flair and sophistication.)
* * *
In any event,
the problem with wanting something RIGHT NOW
(especially when you are a mother juggling three little kids)
is that RIGHT NOW is rarely going to happen. The reality is, everybody else wants something right now that usually takes priority over *your* right now.
My calendar is slammed with appointments for the kids, housecleaning, cooking, chauffeuring, errands, laundering, helping with homework, tutoring and hopefully catching sight of my husband here and there in passing before we are both completely exhausted.
In fact, I've done some careful, meticulous calculations and figured out that the earliest I'm going to be able to focus on my own business and TO DO list will probably be Friday morning. Three days from now. (Unless something else comes up... like a sick kid... in which case, the entire calendar gets scrapped.)
So, yeah. Self, I'll see you and tend to your needs on Friday morning.
Friday morning?
But what happened to my big plans? My months of dreaming about everything I would get done just as soon as I had the chance?
Waaaaaaahh :-(
* * *
Then, just when I was starting to feel really frustrated, I heard my daughter knocking on her door to tell me that she'd finished napping.
"Mama! I poo-poo! Mama! I play! Mama! I wan out!!!" She pretended to cry, but then gave herself away by giggling hysterically before starting the fake cry again.
In a flash, she'd snapped me back into the reality of my present moment. Time to go change a diaper, give a smile, sing a song, make a snack, and focus on the real life happening all around me.
* * *
"You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
(You just might find)
You get what you Need!"
Tantrum over, I drew consolation from Mick Jagger and my daughter's dazzling smile... which I'm truly, truly blessed to have in my life Right Now.
No comments:
Post a Comment