Yesterday morning at 8:30am, our telephone rang unexpectedly.
"Hello?"
"Hello! This is Mrs. Jackson*, the mother of Mikey Jackson* who was one of your (eldest) son's kindergarten classmates. Mikey has been pestering me ever since Summer vacation started to have a playdate with your son. By any chance is he free today?"
"Wow! Hi, Mrs. Jackson. I'm so happy you called. Yes, actually I believe today would work for a playdate."
(My son, in the background: "Mom, who is it? Who is it? Is it Mikey? Is it Mikey's mom?" He began to giggle happily.)
After a few pleasantries and exchanging of street addresses, Mrs. Jackson and I agreed upon a time for our children to get together and agreed that she would come to my home to collect my son in approximately three hours time.
"Well honey," I smiled when I hung up the phone. "You'd better start thinking about what toys you want to bring over to your friend's house to share today."
"YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" my son sang out. He'd turned from a pale shade of bored to rosy and excited. "Mikey's house!!!" Leaning in to confide in me, he added - "Mikey really likes me. He always wants to play with me and be my friend at school."
"That's great, honey! That's how friendship should be."
As he showered and dressed, I prayed silently that he would have a great time and come home happy. We've had too many playdates and birthday parties in years past when my son has left our home elated to be going to play, and returned home a few hours later sullen and sensitive, with hurt feelings.
To give my boy proper credit, on many of these occasions he *wasn't* the source of the tension on a given playdate. A lot of times he went to a friend's house and tried to be nice only to find that the kid had already invited another friend over and the two of them weren't too nice to him... or he arrived at the park excited for a "park playdate" only to find that the friend in question might rudely ignore him for an hour.
Even some of his "best" friends have in the past been a bit unkind to him on playdates, leaving him feeling lonely and cast out.
A lot of things have changed though, since we moved to our new neighborhood in February. My son has really bloomed and come out of his shell. He seems more genuinely at ease and happy. He is more confident, and more assertive about his own desires - rather than sulking in a corner feeling frustrated. "Today will go well," I assured myself.
Mikey's mother picked my son up from our house at around 12:30pm. At 3:30pm I gave her a call and we agreed that I would collect my boy at her home, just a few blocks away from ours, at 4pm.
"How is he doing?" I asked. "I hope he has shown good manners and treated Mikely nicely."
"He's lovely," she replied. "The two of them have been playing all over the house and yard for hours without a single altercation."
"Fantastic!"
Indeed, when I pulled up in our Nissan Pathfinder across the street from the Jackson home I was thrilled to see my son bounding upstairs after his friend laughing hysterically, as they played with some kind of nerf ball machine.
"They've been having a wonderful time," smiled Mikey's mother as she welcomed me into their beautiful house. "I think they may have played with every toy in this house, along with riding bikes and scooters in the back patio."
"Thank you so much for having him over, we look forward to inviting Mikey over to our place as well."
"Oh, it's just great to see how happy they are and how nicely they entertain each other," she smiled.
"C'mon honey, time to go!" I called upstairs.
My son and his buddy raced downstairs and perched themselves on the front steps of the house. As I exchanged a few more pleasantries with Mikey's mother, I couldn't help noticing that Mikey and my son had begun to sing in chorus.
"Wow!" I thought, as I watched my son belting out a song I'd never heard him sing before, in perfect harmony with Mikey. "That must be something they learned in school!"
This kid sitting on the front steps of Mikey's house - this confident, ebullient, joyful, singing kid... this was MY kid!!! The same one that used to hide behind trees and run away from all of us when he was sad.
Just watching it really knocked my socks off.
I thought to other recent playdates with children who have grown frustrated with my son for not playing "their" way, or children who have come to our home with our close adult friends... who didn't end up wanting to interact with my children. I remembered how disappointed my son has been on a variety of occasions when he has put his own best foot forward and been met with rejection.
To see him now, singing happily with his arm flung over the shoulder of one of his good school buddies and the buddy grinning from ear to ear singing too... it actually brought tears to my eyes.
The purpose of this blog has always been to leave my children with a taste of my perspective on the various meanings of life.
Today's post has a meaning so important to me, I want to make it extremely explicit so that my boys and girl cannot miss it.
Do not waste your time or energy on people who don't see the good in you, and who don't value you for who you are.
Instead, lavish your love and energy upon those who treat you well, and who recognize right away that you are special.
I'm not sure why, in life, we are so often drawn toward people who don't feel as strongly for us. Whether friends, family members, or romantic partners... it seems to be a trait of human nature that we often desire things that are just outside of our grasp.
In my 35+ years I have slowly learned that nothing you could ever want should be a battle to get - not a best friend, not a lover. Nothing.
If you have to prove yourself, again and again, to win the interest or affection of someone who piques your interest, they are probably not a good fit for you in the long haul.
I know this goes against what most movies will say... wherein the boy (or girl) meets a crush who doesn't notice him (or her) and they have to go out of their way to curry favor.
My message here is that the movies are wrong, and that true and solid relationships of any kind do not have to come from struggle. That is, struggle on its own does not make friendships or romances more profound... or more lasting!
(Not that you shouldn't be willing to work hard to build a friendship or relationship, and make it stronger... but be wary of those situations that are an uphill climb from the very start.)
Value and appreciate the friend who just wants to sit on a step with you and sing loudly by your side... rather than the friend who snaps at you that you're "not doing it right!!!" and bosses you around.
If my children can learn just this one lesson - just this one simple thing about who to appreciate among their friends and romantic partners... and where to invest their energy and time - they will lead much happier, easier, more-fulfilled lives.
*Names changed to protect the privacy of the people in question
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