June 29, 2011 ~ Day 201 Happiest Place On Earth?

I am really frustrated right now, and trying to sort out whether or not I have the right to these feelings.

In two weeks my eldest child is going to turn six years old, which to me seems like a pretty big deal - maybe because we've worked so darn hard to get him this far.

I'm excited for him, and also genuinely thrilled that he has turned a lot of corners this year. With every passing day he grows more resilient, confident and outgoing. Today when I picked him up from his summer camp the instructor told me,

"Your son is so sweet. Today he helped one of the girls, Juliana*, clean paint off of her arm when she'd spilled it everywhere. We just love him."

For a while now I have been looking forward to his birthday, and trying to plot and scheme my way to taking him to Disneyland for the very first time for his celebration.

I've done just about everything I could think to do. I've contacted AAA, checked into our credit card points, looked for coupons and online discounts, put the word out with our friends and relatives, and prayed a bunch to be in alignment with the right birthday plan.

At the moment, it is still looking out of reach for our family of five.

My son always says, "That's okay mommy, we don't need to go to Disneyland for my birthday. I'll see it someday..." which just makes me want to take him more. He's so genial, philosophical and understanding about the whole thing.

Tonight I broached the subject with my husband again and we tried to crunch some numbers, none of which looked great. He has some serious concerns about wasting $300 on tickets for a single day at a theme park with children small enough that they might not even remember it in the future, and I know that from a financial standpoint he has reason on his side.

Why, then, am I so discouraged by all of this?

Why exactly do I feel like I need to take my kids to a big fake fantasyland where a mug or mouse-eared hat probably costs $20, and where grown men and women walk around wearing costumes with large plastic heads? Where we wait in line for two hours to take a ride that lasts for two minutes?

Am I nuts?

Where does this deep yearning come from?

Does it come from my own childhood, when my parents took me to Disneyland about once a year and I looked forward to it for the other 364 days?

Does it come from my lifelong exposure to the ongoing Disney marketing campaign which informed me 33+ years ago that Disneyland was the happiest place on Earth... much as I don't actually believe as an adult that downtown Anaheim is truly my dream destination?

Is it because I feel deficient as a parent if I cannot provide my children with the same childhood that I experienced in the 1970s and 80s?

(If so, this really isn't a fair comparison because by the time I was ten years old I was the only child left at home to support financially and my father was sixty... close to retirement... so he'd had a lot more time to save up $ toward family adventures! We are in our mid-thirties with three small kids, and a really tough economy.)

Why do I have this compulsion? Is it something native to my personality or something societal - where I feel like part of my role as a red-blooded American is to pack the family up and take them to experience Disneyland?

Or, is it something deeply personal, ingrained in my personality from years upon years of watching the Disney channel as a little girl?

Just how much am I a product of the marketing that has enveloped me throughout my life?

Is this trip really about my son? Or is it about me?

These are all the thoughts that are racing through my mind right now.

The thing about that cliched "American Dream" which often feels out of reach to us... the really frustrating thing... is that my husband and I both DID all of the things we were told to do along the way. We each took every single step that was supposed to bring us to a joint future that would equal greater success and financial stability than what our own parents had experienced.

We studied hard in school, got into a great college, passed all of our courses, earned our degrees, and devoted ourselves to careers that we are passionate about. We waited until nearly 30 to get engaged, get married, have kids. We've followed our hearts (and the footsteps of our own parents) to keep one parent at home raising our young children - first my husband, now me.

Like most parents we know, we've made huge personal sacrifices to give our children a stable life with healthy food, medical care, excellent education and extra-curricular activities. To make this happen, we both routinely work 12 to 16 hour days.

I feel like given how hard we work we should at least be able to take our kid to Disneyland for his birthday.

It frustrates me that this is even a question.

At least we're not alone. I know that lots of our friends are in the exact same boat ~ perhaps if not in the exact same way ~ in many similarly frustrating ways.

All families have their own struggles and I guess it is pathetic that I am moaning and groaning about not being able to take my kids to a theme park when other people have REAL troubles - like how are they going to pay their kids' medical bills, etc.

Still.

If they're going to market Disneyland to me as the happiest place on the planet, I really think the corporation should set up a scholarship fund (have they???) for all of the extremely deserving kids out there who are forced to watch magical-looking commercials and previews for the theme park... and hear about it from all of their friends... yet know by the age of six that their family cannot afford to take them.

My kid has worked so hard this year and come such a long way, both emotionally and academically. This kind of adventure would mean so much to him. I'm not giving up yet, there are two more weeks left before his 6th birthday and there has GOT to be a way to let him spend a single day in the fantasy park of his dreams.









*Name changed to protect the privacy of this individual.