Tuesday, August 16, 2011
August 16, 2011 ~ Day 249
I really screwed up, and I'm so mad at myself!
Actually, it's a more complex feeling. I'm not just mad. I'm humiliated and frustrated and sad and can't even believe that I made such a dumb mistake.
It doesn't seem like me. It isn't something I would do.
But, I did it.
This Sunday - this past Sunday - was the baby shower for one of the sweetest little bundles of love ever to be coming to this planet.
A little boy is due to dear friends of ours in just a few months.
I am so excited about this baby. We've been psyched about his impending arrival for months.
When I got the invitation to his shower, I cheered out loud - so happy that it would take place on a Sunday!
My personal day. A day when I could come to the shower without any of my own kids... and just enjoy my friend. Her soon-to-be baby. Fun conversations with adults. Delicious food, because she is a great cook.
A fantastic Sunday.
I'd RSVP'd to her friend throwing the party, bought a present and wrapping paper for my kids to decorate... the whole nine yards. Pinned the invitation to my bulletin board.
But I'm sure you've guessed it by now... guessed the sad and true tale of my own lameness.
I forgot! I missed the shower and didn't even realize it until tonight!
* * * * * * *
How could I possibly forget the baby shower for one of my dear friends?
(Someone whose family we look upon like family?)
On top of which, how could I forget a party?
I LOVE PARTIES! I LOVE BABY SHOWERS!!!
How could I space out like this?
I'm the type A one... the list maker... the person who makes my kids' doctors appointments three months in advance. I'm the one who remembers little details like my friends' kids' favorite toys or favorite colors... and if I don't know, I'll ask.
What is happening to me?
* * * * * * *
When we realized this evening, too late, that I'd totally spaced out about the shower, I sat down on the floor next to the refrigerator where my husband was hunting for dinner and put my head in my hands.
"I don't understand," I groaned. "I've never done something like this before... just completely forgotten about an important event I was looking forward to. Who AM I right now? Who have I become? I would NEVER have done this before."
"And you'd really bought a present?" my husband asked.
"Yes." I shook my head and held back tears. "I don't know how this happened."
"Well it's no big deal," he consoled me. "I'm sure she'll understand. You had a really tough week last week."
My friend is such a kind person, she probably *will* understand and forgive me. Still, I'm having a lot of trouble forgiving myself.
It is true that last week sucked for me.
Last week my kid had a serious allergic reaction, I didn't sleep well from worry, my autoimmune issues flared, I came down with asthma when eating all foods with sulfites, and I lost several pounds.
On Sunday, when I should have been feting her sweet baby boy-to-be at the party, I was actually sleeping.
I know that fact shouldn't embarrass me, but it really does. I was taking a long afternoon nap while my husband played with our kids at the beach; I was decompressing.
Feels really silly to say though; I, a 35 year old mother of three, forgot to attend the baby shower of one of my close friends and was instead, sleeping.
This is not a reasonable excuse for spacing out. This is the kind of thing a 16 year old might do.
If I had actually remembered the party and felt too ill to go, I would still have at least called or emailed to explain and say how sorry I was.
* * * * * * *
I screwed up.
It's that plain and simple.
I forgot that it was a special day, and blithely pulled the covers over my head when my family left for their adventures... so happy to be resting for once. I slept all afternoon and didn't get out of bed until nearly 2pm.
* * * * * * *
The whole thing concerns me, and here are my main worries:
(1) My friend will forgive me ~ but (understandably) never quite trust me again to be solid and not flaky;
(2) I am losing my mind and memory like my father did;
(3) I have more on my plate than I can actually handle, and important things are falling through the cracks
(4) I am a lame friend.
I have been fretting about this all night, after having apologized to my friend and her husband the moment we realized that I'd messed up.
My husband thinks I'm going overboard with regret.
"It could happen to anyone," he says - "Let it go. We all do things like this sometimes."
Really? I think to myself. Really?
Because I don't.
At least, I *didn't*.
I didn't ever do flaky things like this before.
Is this a sign of me losing my edge? Or is it a sign that I've grown more relaxed (too relaxed) and less uptight (less organized) in the last few years?
Do people with fancy phones have these problems? My husband's telephone acts like a calendar and beeps whenever he has a meeting coming up... and he doesn't seem to forget things any more.
Do I need a smart phone too, to beep whenever we have an important playdate, doctor's appointment, family dinner or party to attend? Would a smart phone keep me, well... smart?
I could go around in circles like this in my brain all day. Come on, Mama. Get your act together!
For now there is only one simple fact: I missed it.
From here, all I can do is start over and try very hard to show my friend how much I care about her and this new baby... give her the present I've been saving for him...
and use this experience as a motivator to get myself back on track.
Make lists. Use the calendar relentlessly. Channel my inner organization guru.
Be committed. Be there for my friends, always.
They say that 99% of success in life is just showing up. I failed at that pretty spectacularly this time around.
Next time though, I won't let her down.