When my dad moved into assisted living in 2008, as his Alzheimer's disease was getting progressively worse, we met a host of other residents and their families. One elderly woman in particular had a great sweetness about herself, and would wander into his room as though looking for something she had lost. Bettina's smile was radiant and it was easy to see that she had been an absolute beauty in her day.
It didn't take long to meet her husband Bill... a man of medium build and great kindness. Even though he was in his seventies and not in the best of health himself, Bill was incredibly dedicated about visiting his wife. Rain or shine, whether he felt well or poorly, Bill came to Bettina and he would hold her hand and take her on walks. We became accustomed to seeing the two of them heading out and then returning from lengthy strolls. Often they would eat dinner together in the small Alzheimer's dining room. I believe that he came to her every single day, at least it certainly seemed that way.
In the year that passed before my father finally moved to a different nursing home (where he died soon after) I saw such gentle sweetness in the relationships of the elderly men and women who had managed -- one or both of them -- to end up in assisted living. The dedication, devotion and faithfulness of these people who were experiencing the very worst that life and health have to offer ~ it was heartbreaking and beautiful. I watched as elderly men tended to their fading wives, and it truly changed my views about true love. True love, as it turned out, is holding your aging lover's hand every single day even when they may not always remember your name or even recognize the children you've had together. I learned a lot about love just by watching my own mother nurse my father with tenderness, grief and devotion.
Today as I was flipping through the local paper, I was surprised to come across an obituary for Bettina's husband Bill. This shocked me as I had just noticed the two of them walking near my son's soccer game less than a month ago. And now, he is gone. Who will come to visit Bettina now? Who will hold her hand and hug her, and love her with the eyes of one who met and adored her when she was in her prime? Reading about his death, tears began to slide furiously down my cheeks.
I want to devote today's column to telling the story of Bill and Bettina's romance in my own words as it was relayed to me through our local newspaper, because I think their marriage embodies the truest kind of love. Not the first flush of passion-lust-obsession that often overtakes us in the beginning of an affair... but Real, True Love.
Bill met Bettina in Germany when he was stationed with the US Army at the Rhein Main Air Base. They fell in love, married and spent their honeymoon in postwar Paris. During the next few decades they moved all over the world together, as he was posted to various positions in locations ranging from Korea to Germany to Kansas! Bill concluded his military career serving as a Nike Base and Radar Systems specialist in the Vietnam War. He retired after spending 23 years in the Army with Bettina at his side raising their three children.
For nearly twenty years after his retirement they lived a fulfilling life together in southern California. They spent time with their grandchildren for whom Bill crafted his own wooden toys. Their lives together were full of activities and even athletics. He was known for his excellence with home improvement projects, telling amazing stories from his life and teaching his grandchildren how to do many things including fish.
In the mid-1990s, Bill was diagnosed with chronic lymphocystic leukemia. His obituary states that it may have come from his exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam. Still, despite his health challenges he held on and continued to be an admirable husband, father and grandfather. Then, in 2004, Bettina was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and they moved here to our town to be near their daughter. Three years later, Bettina would move into the same assisted living facility where my own father moved in 2008. Apparently at some point after my father moved away in 2009 Bill actually chose to enter the same assisted living facility as a resident, to be closer to his wife.
Bill died last week on December 8. In a twist that likely seems ironic only to me, he died on what would have been my parents' 36th wedding anniversary. I know this is only a coincidence but it still took my breath away.
When I think of true love, I will forever think of Bill and Bettina ~ and of course, of my own mom and dad. True love is devoting yourself to the same person for a lifetime (in their case this meant nearly six decades!) through war and peace, geographic separation, moving throughout multiple countries, experiencing birth and childrearing together, surviving the shock of retirement and even weathering debilitating diseases that rob your partner of their own identity or shared memories of the life you built together. And, in the case of this remarkable couple, doing it all with kindness and a smile. Despite (or perhaps thanks to) everything, Bill and Bettina were still walking by the ocean holding hands nearly sixty years after their first date.
May we all be lucky enough to know a love like this... and even more, to have it within us to give love like this.
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