Within the last year two people I greatly respect have recommended that I read a book by Gavin de Becker called "Protecting The Gift", which shares valuable information with parents about how to best keep their children and adolescents safe from predators and dangerous situations.
I took their advice and did read through the book, which I found to be both extremely worrisome and also very helpful. One of the main kernels of wisdom that stuck with me from his philosophy was the importance of teaching your children how to listen to and follow their intuition. De Becker explains in great detail how important it is for children to pay attention to signals that the adults around them may send about being trustworthy. He also gives concrete advice for parents about how even small children can protect themselves in moments of vulnerability (e.g. ask a woman for help, rather than waiting to find a police officer).
Since reading the book I've had several talks with my sons about intuition, and how to know whether they are getting a good or bad feeling from a person or event. I don't really think they have understood or internalized the message yet, but at least we've initiated the conversation and over the years we can return to it. I don't want to make my children fearful of the world around them, but I do think that they are savvy enough to have figured out by themselves that some people are nice and others are not... and that they each have the inner capacity to tell the difference.
Tonight I encountered a situation that forced me to access my own intuition very rapidly and left me shaken, wondering if I had responded in the correct way. I've been reflecting for the past hour on what happened and sending up prayers that if I misunderstood or made the wrong choice, some divine force will send assistance or aid where it is needed.
My mother and I had just enjoyed a truly fantastic Girls Night Out wherein we dressed up, met for dinner downtown and then took a shuttle over to see a really darling musical that I am quite sure will make it to Broadway. The entire evening was quite magical and we had such a great time! When the shuttle dropped us back off in front of the restaurant where we'd each parked, we were in high spirits.
Being that my mother is over 70 years old ~ despite her zest, enthusiasm and good health ~ I tend to be very protective of her. I insisted upon walking her to her car, and we were delighted to see that we had parked directly across the street from each other. With a quick hug goodnight, we parted company and I stood and watched my mother cross the street and get into her car. Once she was safely in her seat with the door locked, I sat in my truck with the lights on, listening to music on the radio and waiting for her to put on her seatbelt and start her engine.
Even though the street was well lit, it was also a bit too quiet and I wanted to make sure that my mother got off safely toward home. My deceased father would certainly have asked me to do as much.
Suddenly, as I sat waiting for her, in a blur of white a woman with streaming hair came running up to the passenger side of my truck and began pounding on the window. Strangely, she was on the street side of my vehicle right in the middle of traffic. In the moments that ensued my mind cycled through a complex calculation about what was happening but my gut spoke quickly and loudly. "GET AWAY!" my gut said, "THIS IS VERY WEIRD."
Rapidly I assessed her wild-eyed look and her outfit (a white billowing scarf, short white shorts and white heeled boots) and reflected split-second on the irony that she was dressed a little bit like a hooker but in the color of an angel.
I do not know if it was intelligent or completely lame, but I decided to pull away. I could not easily roll down the passenger side window to ask her what she wanted or why she was hitting my car because I was driving a truck with manual windows. I would have had to turn off the car, unbuckle my seatbelt, lean over and manually roll down the window just to see whether she was friend or foe. Whatever she wanted, it looked like it would add a significant amount of drama to the evening.
So laid my hand on my car horn and honked it loudly to get my mother's attention, signaled to the woman that I was going to pull away, and my mother and I left the area. I followed my mother's car until she was safely headed home and then I split off toward the freeway leading to my own house.
Did I overreact? Could the woman have needed help? Was I cold-hearted and overly suspicious rather than acting generously as a good Samaritan? Or was she a hooker with a nearby pimp and poor intentions...
All I know is, I followed my intuition and rightly or wrongly it told me not to get involved.
I believe that if I was a man I would probably have made a different choice. My husband is never intimidated by odd situations and I think he would probably have asked her what she wanted. However in my 35 years of being a female I have seen and heard of a lot of weird and even monstrous things that have happened to women, especially women alone at night. When I was younger I acted less cautiously but after having close friends victimized physically and sexually, I grew to be more conservative.
I am also a mother to three small children and my allegiance is to them above all. Whatever this woman was into or up to, my children needed a mother to come home safe and sound tonight so that I could be here in the morning to bathe, feed and dress them. My gut instinct will always, always be to do whatever is in their best interest at all times.
Do I sound defensive? I am definitely feeling guilty. There is still an off chance that the wild-eyed woman wasn't a hooker or on crystal meth, and that she actually needed my help. I worried all the way home that I had made the wrong choice ~ that God had sent me an opportunity to do good and I had acted out of fear rather than love.
When I got back to my house, I called my mother to make sure that she had gotten home okay and talk about what had happened. I did not think she had seen the woman at all.
"Thank you so much," my mother said, "I had such a wonderful evening."
"Me too, it was great! I am a little freaked out about the end of the night though, did you see that woman? She came up and was banging on the side of my car!"
"I did see her in the street but I didn't realize she was actually hitting your car."
"It was really weird, mom! I didn't know what to do. I feel really badly. Do you think I should call the police and tell them that a woman in distress may need their help?"
"No, I don't think that is necessary. Honestly, there were restaurants on all four of those corners that were still open for business. If she really needed help she could have gone into any of them. She seemed a little off to me."
"I feel so guilty, like I let her down."
"I don't think at 11pm at night on a dark street downtown you need to be getting involved in anything like that. I think you did the right thing. I think your intuition was right."
"Ok, thanks."
Despite my mother's reassurance though, I am still feeling really uncomfortable.
The unfortunate thing is that I will never really know if my intuition *was* right and I protected myself or my mother from harm, or if my gut instinct was totally callous and perhaps that lady was simply in desperate need of assistance. What if her husband was having a heart attack and she just needed a cell phone? What if she was trying to get away from an abusive boyfriend? What if?
I hate that we live in a society where the motto "Better safe than sorry" is often accurate. I wish I could teach my children to meet everyone in the world with an open and trusting heart, and assure them that their innocence, goodwill and generosity would be returned in full. I hate knowing that someday my daughter will perhaps need to run to her car late at night with her keys in her fist and her heart pounding, to protect herself from lurking and unforeseen danger.
Tonight I will pray to God on behalf of that woman (may she be safe, may she be well, may she be at peace) ~ for myself (may I learn to hear the voice of my own intuition more clearly, may I grow more comfortable with trusting my gut instinct) ~ and for my children (may they be protected, may they be loved, may they develop their own keen inner sense of right and wrong).
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