In June it will be two years since my father’s death from a protracted (excruciating) bout with Alzheimer’s disease. I cannot believe the time has passed so swiftly, yet I am grateful for every additional day that I can put between myself and the sea of pain we had to navigate at the time.
As I’ve written previously, one of the best parts of going through the past two years has been witnessing the transformation of my mother from devastated widow to thriving and vibrant woman. She has returned in every way to being the best of herself and now appears decades younger than she did in 2009.
Today she confided in me that she plans to get in really great shape for the trip she is taking with a close friend to Spain in May 2011, so that she will be at the top of her game along the journey.
“Mom, you already look amazing,” I interjected - but she quickly responded,
“This is just something I am excited to do for myself”.
I’m a little slow on the uptake, but it struck me a few hours after our conversation (while washing the dinner dishes) that my mother *may* actually be getting ready to date again... a brave and quite terrific thing that we (her five children) have all encouraged her to do. Just because dad died doesn’t mean that she would diminish in any way the memory of their 34 year marriage by going on dates with other gentleman callers and perhaps even finding a new love in the golden years of her life.
I can’t guarantee that my dad would have “wanted” this for her - seeing as he coveted her attention fairly jealously during his life... but I do think that my mom deserves all of the happiness in the world. Even if dad wouldn’t have wanted it, the rest of us want it for her.
Whether or not my mom ever decides to date again, it is rapidly becoming clear that the ground has shifted beneath our feet. Things change, sometimes drastically, and we have to be open to changing with them or we run the risk of getting stuck in a rut or missing out on great new opportunities.
Time soldiers on.
I can scarcely believe it but two full decades have nearly passed since I lost a close high school friend to ovarian cancer and leukemia. Nearly twenty years! I can still hear the sound of her voice and laughter in my head, still see how beautiful and vibrant and full of life she was up until the very end of her struggle. How is it possible that the length of my life has doubled since her passing? I wasn’t ready to lose her when I did; and she certainly wasn’t ready to give up on life at age 15. Neither of us were given a choice in the matter.
When my friend passed away, some small part of me felt really guilty for continuing to live and thrive while she missed out on everything - growing up, dating, going to college, fulfilling her career dreams, getting married or having a family of her own. I felt ashamed for having so many opportunities that she did not; “Why her, and not me?” I wondered.
I thought often of a phrase from the W.H. Auden poem “Funeral Blues” honoring his own dead friend - “Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, / Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods; / For nothing now can ever come to any good.”
Yet despite the profound depth of my grief, time continued to move forward and pull me further away from her. To cope with the seeming callousness of time to her loss, I dedicated myself to living the rest of my life as fully as possible in honor of her memory. "I want to suck the marrow out of life," I told my mother, "See the world and do ALL of the things that she never had the chance to do".
Time proved to be an ally in that endeavor. Over the years I have been able to fulfill almost all of my childhood dreams... and I have never taken life for granted for a moment. I find it hard to believe that any human being has ever been more grateful for each new day than I am. My first thought upon waking every morning is literally, "I'm still here! Thank you for giving me another chance."
It turns out most of the cliches about the passage of time are based in truth. I've now been through a variety of painful and humbling life experiences for which the only real cure was the passage of time including breakups, poor career choices, health challenges, private sorrows. By putting one foot in front of the other, a single step at a time, I have walked through many bad days and found my way to the good ones.
Here are some quotes about the passage of time which are both true and comforting:
“Time nor tide wait for no man”
“Time marches inexorably on”
“Time heals all wounds”
“Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles”
“Time is the great physician”
“Time is the longest distance between two places”
“If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves”
“Don’t waste time living in the past or the future... embrace the present for it is a gift.”
"Time is the currency of love"
and my favorite
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it.”
None of us know how long we've been given in this existence, what the span of our lives will be. For that reason it is critical not to waste time, but rather to embrace it as the most valuable gift of all.
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