My husband and I just spent our evening watching "Nowhere Boy", a biopic about John Lennon's early years. I've been a fan of The Beatles for as long as I can remember but never knew anything before tonight about his traumatic childhood and complicated relationships with both mother and aunt.
Abandoned as a child by his parents, John was saved from foster care and raised by his aunt and uncle. He enjoyed a brief reconciliation with his mother before her tragic and untimely death when he was just 17. Horribly enough, a car struck her down as she was returning home from visiting the house where he lived.
John Lennon had one of those childhoods that you would think his publicist had invented, it was so full of drama and loss. The absence (and presence) of his mother throughout those early years made a profound impact upon him, infusing much of his poetry and music with pain and personal truth. He also forged a significant bond with bandmate Paul McCartney who lost his own mother at an early age... the two boys shared a profound void.
Now that the movie has wrapped up I'm left a bit bleary-eyed and sad, hoping mightily that my own small sons never find themselves in a similar situation. I suppose one could argue that the loss of his mother may have spurred John Lennon to express himself in LARGE and PROFOUND ways that he might never have done, had he enjoyed a quiet suburban childhood far removed from pain. Still, I'm guessing that the man himself would have gladly traded most (if not all) of his global notoriety for more time spent with his mother while she was alive.
What is it about mothers and sons? (For that matter, there's a really special relationship between fathers and daughters too!) My sons, especially the younger one, look out for me and treat me with such affection in a way that I can't recall anyone else doing - ever - not even my father or brothers. They paint me picture after picture, ask me how to spell the words in the love notes that they pen to me in huge and unshapely block letters (MOMMEE I LOV YUU), wrap themselves around my legs, tell me I am beautiful or that I look like a princess. They demand that only I pick out their clothes, read them stories, tuck them in. My older boy has just learned how to text (hmmmmm.... thanks, daddy) and he now sends me texts that say "Momee I miss you I love you come back" when I am running errands on my personal time. They know all of my flaws better than anyone yet they beg me all of the time to be with them, "Don't leave us to go to Mima's house, we want you to be HERE mommy".
It is almost like God is making up for all of the wasted hours I spent waiting around from age 14 to 26 for various blokes to get it together; for the two men I truly loved during the decade before I met my husband... for every other guy who made promises for fun.
THIS is my positive karma... the reaping of all of the warmth and tenderness I had poured into the Universe. I am now awash in a sea of boy love, much stronger and more pure than anything I ever experienced before becoming a mother. It is obviously not a romantic love but something so much MORE. I am they; they are me. My blood flows through their veins, they emerged into the world from the deepest recesses of my body. We understand each other. In some way, we will always be one.
Right now, my sons and I have the same agenda. They want me to adore and take care of them all of the time - which is easy to commit to. I DO adore them and want to take care of them all of the time.
I know the day will inevitably come when my sons are ready to break away from this phase... when I am no longer the beloved mommy that they want to grow up and marry. At some point I will likely become the butt of their teenaged jokes, their ridiculous graying mother who worries too much and loves them too hard. I know that is coming down the line, I am steeling myself for the time when my sweetest sweethearts need to pull away from me and form sentimental attachments to kids their own age.
Letting go will be the healthy thing for all of us -- I'm just grateful that it isn't anywhere near time for me to relinquish my claim upon their precious hearts yet. Right now at the ages of 3 and 5, my darlings still need and want a mother.
I pray every day (every hour) that I will stick around long enough to see my sons through their childhood and adolescence, hopefully into adulthood. I visualize myself attending their high school and college graduations, meeting their significant others, taking such pride in their unique accomplishments. I will be so elated if I can dance at their weddings, even hold and cuddle their own children.
I don't know yet who my sons will turn out to be, but it doesn't really matter to me. As their mother I reserve the right to find them perfect under all circumstances.
And when someday my boys have at last flown away from our nest and gone forth boldly to greet the wide world, I will thank my lucky stars every day that I have been not doubly but triply blessed. Thank Heaven, another priceless treasure thrives within the core of my heart and our lives ~ a daughter.
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